The most difficult week of my life has passed. Am I being melodramatic? Only slightly. However, I’m proud to say I haven’t relapsed and got it on with myself or any phallic objects! Yayy! My success thus far has encouraged me to rule out sex altogether. You read that right: I will be totally celibate for these 30 days. Not just masturbation, NO SEX with anyone, especially myself. Why? What is wrong with me? Have the built up hormones made me crazy? Likely! I’ll take you on a day by day account of what has happened so far in Week 1 of the challenge.
Day 1: As soon as the clock struck midnight, I was taunted by my friends about the challenge. “Haha, April! Your personal Hell starts NOW!” …Thanks, guys. Just the reminder of the challenge made me hypersensitive for the rest of the night. I was suddenly aware of the 8 handsome bearded gentleman in the bar surrounding us. The whiskey I was drinking began to warm me up in places I was planning on keeping cool… Sleep could not come soon enough. Later in the day, I noticed a handsome older gentleman standing directly in front of me on the bus. I was eye level with his penis and could think of nothing else. My best friend Jenny came over and hid Dr. Lovegood (and a few his friends) and has refused to tell me where they reside until the challenge is over. Aren’t best friends great? Virtually everything in the first day made me think of sex: Jennifer Lawrence on the cover of Glamour, attractive randoms on the street, a French restaurant reminded me of a hot Parisian I made out with once… Even this sign:
Day 2: I had committed to working 15 hours this day, which amazingly helped to keep my mind off of sex. Also, I witnessed a young woman have a seizure early on in the day. She was luckily okay, and it put my trivial challenge into perspective which squelched my sexual desire for the day.
Day 3: I opened my laptop in the morning, which made me think of masturbating… I slowly backed away from the computer and went on an hour run around the park. Did the run help? Well, habitually when I get home from a good workout, I like to reward myself with a quick stroke sesh. I opted for a cold shower instead. SO from now on when I get home from a good workout, to avoid getting happy with my hands, I head directly for the shower.
Day 4: Someone advised I try yoga to relax. I’ve done it a few times and couldn’t remember any erotically charged yoga sessions, so I tried it out. Unfortunately, many of the yoga positions reminded me of sexual ones which just frustrated me. Luckily, by the end of the hour I was really relaxed and had no urge to touch myself. UNTIL I watched a particularly funny episode of Portlandia… One of the characters wanted to a try a vibrating ring in bed, and just the sound of the vibration got me excited. I immediately changed the channel.
Day 5: I threw out my Victoria’s Secret catalogues and took out my frustration at the gym. I have increased my thirty minute workouts to full hour sweat fests. This change was necessary. Luckily, there weren’t many challenges at work this day, and I was completely fine until I noticed just how much I wanted to rub my friend Tim’s beard. I REALLY like facial stubble and his was a particularly sexy length this evening. He offered to let me scratch it, but knowing my limits I had to refuse and walk away in order to compose myself. Surrounding myself with attractive men is really going to work against me this month.
Day 6: This day was full of temptation. Apparently there was a hot guy convention at my gym, because it was packed with yummy man morsels. I made a grocery list in my head instead of thinking about their biceps. I went to a show which would have been fine if good music didn’t turn me on (it does). More temptation came later when I had to ride on a particularly sexy friend’s lap in a packed van. At least I will have tons of material in the spank bank when the challenge is over.
Day 7: Too many errands to think about sex. Yay!
Tons of people have offered some valuable advice this past week and recommended many activities to help me ease some of the tension that has been brewing in my nether regions.
“Go skydiving. It’s the closest you’ll get to an orgasm without sex.”
“Fight some people. That’ll help ease the tension.”
“Take up some hobbies- Make a new recipe every day. Learn to knit. Learn a new language.”
“Go to a shooting range. That would be hot.”
“Just hide. Go into a cave and hide. That’s the only way you’ll make it.”
An interesting component of the challenge is that I’ve recieved an influx of male attention. Several guy pals have messaged me about the article, generally followed by a request to hang out in the near future. Apparently my celibate vag is a hot commodity now… Awesome.