Ask A Dude: Help! What Do I Do About My Suicidal BF?

By The Dude

Hey Dude,

I’ve been dating a guy for about a year now, he is 27 years old and I’m 24. We haven’t had any arguments because we’ve generally been very open and honest with each other. We’ve done the whole meet the family and discussion of the future talks… However, my problem is that recently he hasn’t been speaking to me (it’s been almost a month!).

It started with us having plans for New Years Eve, but when those fell through he decided to hang out with his friend rather than make new plans (he didn’t even invite me). I was upset over this that night (night before NYE) and he decided he needed some time away instead of discussing the issue. I thought giving him some space would be a good idea because originally we were only seeing each other on weekends (for about 3 months).

When a week had past and I had not heard from him, I grew worried. I found out that I could not contact him – he would ignore my texts, calls and emails. When I called him on a private number, he hung up on me. This went on for about two weeks on odd days before I decided to wait for him to contact me. He ended up saying that he felt that he could not offer me anything and that he ‘didn’t know me’.

The last message he sent was about picking up his things from my apartment – I didn’t even know if we’ve broken up! When I ask him about it, he ignores my messages.

I know he has a history of severe depression, including many suicide attempts. We’ve broken up once previously which lasted a week, but he was admitted into the hospital. He has been seeing a psychologist, yet refuses to take any of their advice. He’s said he loved me and I love him. I don’t want to give up on this relationship, but I don’t know what to do.

Thank you so much in advance,

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

I can’t thank you enough for writing in. It sounds like your boy’s in real trouble and he’s not accepting the help he’s being offered, from you or his therapist, at least. This is the most difficult place to be put in and one of the most dangerous.

A lot of people suffer from depression. Some are as severe as his, and some have been so depressed they’ve hurt themselves and tried to go a step further.

What’s happening to him is nothing you can control. Your love isn’t going to be his cure. Your affection isn’t going to be what heals his pain. The person who can most help him is himself and that’s if he believes he can be helped, which it sounds like he’s battling with.

There are people who don’t want to be saved. And until they can do, you can only weather the storm, love them, be there for them however you can, but you have to be careful that you don’t get dragged so far down the rabbit hole that you can’t climb back.

It’s terribly easier than people admit to fall into someone else’s abyss. We feel like we can’t abandon the ones we care about. We especially can’t when we think that if we do, they’ll possibly use that as their scapegoat to make an attempt to leave this world. But even if they do, you’re not to blame. How he treats himself is a psycho-emotional and potentially chemical issue.

You have to figure out where the line is for yourself: Where’s the point where YOU need a break? Where’s the point where you have to re-accept that what you’re involved with isn’t something you can fix, and you can’t let guilt or love or a combination trap you in something that could lead you to irreparable harm. I’m not suggesting he’ll get violent with you, I’m concerned that you’ll blame yourself for one or more of his attempts, or at a certain point, a “successful” attempt (one of the oddest phrases in the English language, I sh*t you not).

Some people don’t want to be here and we can’t always figure out why. Some people are in constant pain and don’t believe they deserve to or don’t have the strength, at least for a time, to try to heal. That doesn’t make them less deserving of love. What it doesn’t do is make you feel like you’ve got a lot of choice in the situation, or control. But you DO have choices.

You can assert with him what kind of treatment you do and don’t deserve from him. You can decide you need a break from him and use the time to focus on yourself rather than on his all-consuming issues. There’s a point you mustn’t let yourself reach and it sounds like you’re approaching it.

His pain doesn’t take anything away from the fact that you have needs, you deserve to be treated with respect and with affection. If he’s unwilling and incapable you may need to take some space. We always want to think that there’s some combination we can find to unlock the disease and heal them, but it’s not about US healing THEM in the first place. And sometimes, you have to respect someone’s wishes and continue to leave them be to fight with their “demons” as they chose to fight them.

Stay safe. Keep a hard eye on your own needs and how they are met and how they are not being met. Right now, it doesn’t sound like he’s capable even remotely of meeting you anywhere near halfway. Is that something you deserve? Is that something you can accept? Is that something you should accept? These are questions you’ll ask yourself day in and out. And they’re questions you’ll have to keep asking yourself as long as you’re with him. You don’t give up on people, but you shouldn’t give into them either.

There’s only so much you can take and only so much you should take. You have to decide where that tipping point is and if you reach it, you may have to make the bravest decision of your life: to let him go or to sacrifice yourself, perhaps nobly and perhaps pointlessly.

You’re strong enough to do what you need to do for you.

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]