This Post Grad Life: Have I Ever Been In Love?
I have a confession to make. (I really end up making a lot of those on here, don’t I?)
I’ve been in a lot of relationships. Those of every kind. Relationships that end dramatically. Relationships where he was too obsessed. Relationships where I was too obsessed. Relationships that were bittersweet and suddenly went horribly sour. Relationships where the chemistry was boiling over like macaroni bubbles on a hot burner. Relationships where the chemistry was equal to my chemistry with a wool blanket or a lampshade. Ok, fine. I’m procrastinating my confession.
I don’t think I’ve ever been in love.
I’m 24-years-old and I don’t think I’ve ever been in love.
Sure, I’ve had that high school romance where I didn’t think life would go on if we let things go. When we broke up and I was 16, I remember falling to my knees and crying. It was that dramatic. I want to pass that up as innocent love, the kind that you swiftly get over with time and look back at it like a small blip on your life radar.
I’ve also had that quick college relationship where things were a little more passionate than my previous relationship. I knew a more about my emotions and how to handle myself. My heart had been around the block once already and was a little more guarded than before. Even so, when it ended, I was so heartbroken that I curled up into a hollow dent in my couch and laid there for days. I felt so sorry for myself for SO long. And then with a snap of my emotional wand, I felt 100% again.
That’s why I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. Aren’t you supposed to NEVER get over true love? I mean, I don’t expect myself to mope around like a homeless person for years on end. I just expect that small burning flicker of love to remain for the ones I’ve been with. But it’s not there. I’ve completely put every splash of water on my relationships and let them burn out eventually. True love isn’t suppose to do that in my mind.
And now, I feel like I’m missing out on something. That unconditional, do-anything-for-you, diehard love. I’m sitting here at my kitchen table with the sincere belief that I haven’t found that with someone yet. So what does it mean?
Well, I don’t have a precise answer, only a vague idea. But for some reason, I’m okay with this fact. To risk sounding cheesy and ridiculous, love is very fragile. And that deep-felt love shouldn’t be given freely and can’t be found with everyone.
I make a lot of mistakes. I speed relationships up too soon. I put the breaks on them too late (etc., etc., etc.). But with true love, I have no choice — and it’s the most authentic feeling in the entire world — and you just kinda have to give yourself up to it.
So I’ll be patient. I have that deep love for my family and friends right now. And until I find a man deserving enough for a slice of my non-practical emotion…I’ll revel in what I do have.
Have you ever been in love? How did you know it was real love, and not just temporary lust/infatuation? Am I totally hopeless?
[Lead image via Manuel Fernandes/Shutterstock]