Ask A Dude: Are We Going To Have Great Sex?

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

I want to save my virginity until I’m married. But I’ve heard that there are people out there who don’t mesh well in the bedroom. Is it a possibility that on my wedding night I’ll find out that I’ve pledged my life to someone who will never be able to satisfy me, and I’ll never be able to satisfy him? Surely you can tell someone’s… Ahem… “Style” just by heavy make-out sessions and by talking about sexual fantasies and such? How much of a bet would I be taking just hoping that I will enjoy having sex with my future husband for the rest of my life?

Thanks Dude,

Seal is Unbroken

Dear Seal is Unbroken,

I think the bet you’re talking about taking is one that everyone who commits themselves to a partner has to take. And it’s a pretty big bet.

Sex isn’t the only component in the glue that holds a relationship together, but it’s an important ingredient nonetheless. Sexual chemistry is a must for a successful, long-term relationship. It is. Period. Pretend it isn’t, at some point, it’s going to bite you in the…well, pick the part of the body you think it’d hurt worse. But here’s the beauty about sexual chemistry, and something that should make you feel better about your situation– it can be brewed!

True, there’s a basic level of sexual chemistry that you’ll need to have. It sounds like you’ve got a bit of that already. What makes sex great, and makes it better in the long-run, is that you learn each others’ likes and dislikes. The more intimate you become, the further you can explore each others’ fantasies, and the more permission you will get to push the boundaries even further. That’s what makes great sexual chemistry: PRACTICE! Lots and lots of sex. Lots of trying new things. Lots of telling each other what you like, when you like it, how you like it, WHERE you like it. That’s all part of how a relationship grows–two people creating their own private sexual vocabulary. That’s a crucial step in deepening the connection you two have.

Will the sex always be perfect? No. There are going to be nights when you’ll be in the mood, but he won’t and vice versa. There will be some nights where you have the mindset of “You do me, I do you, and then we’ll go to sleep, because I’m freaking tired.” And those nights are okay, too. Not only that, but the frequency at which you’re going to have sex is going to go in cycles, because your lives together are going to be more than just about what you do under the covers.

Yes, sexual chemistry’s important. Yes, it can be mutually learned (to an extent). There are books, workshops, classes, and an entire industry devoted to helping couples continue to develop their sex lives. But on the basic level, the kind of “sneak previews” you’re talking about are a good indication that you two will be sexually compatible, and that with the kind of work that all couples put into it, you can have a very fulfilling sex life for years…now a very fulfilling marriage, that’s another question.

Don’t forget the safety goggles,

The Dude



    1. Cate says:

      I kind of disagree. Sexual chemistry can't be brewed! It's there, or it's really, really not there. And, I wouldn't rely on pre-sex feelings. You can feel attracted to someone until the actual event happens, and things can change. I think it would be a huge mistake to marry someone (committing to them for life) without knowing them sexually.

    2. annagergen says:

      Cate- maybe it would be a mistake for you, personally, but for myself and the rest of the population who decides to abstain until marriage, it is the right choice. Just as The Dude said, there are many factors that influence a couple's relationship, and likewise, there are many factors that influence a person's decision whether or not to share her sexuality. Whether or not the chemistry is there is usually irrelevant when making the personal decision of abstinence. I ask that you not judge others' decisions regarding their sexuality.

      Oh, no, I've made a classic blunder- disagreeing with somebody over the internet:)

    3. Cate- maybe it would be a mistake for you, personally,

    4. AlbinaRendon says:

      I kind of disagree. Sexual chemistry can't be brewed! It's there, or it's really, really not there. And, I wouldn't rely on pre-sex feelings.

    5. FoxinRoxie says:

      I've noticed that I'm not sexually attracted to ANYONE (as in I don't feel an urge to "do" them) unless we've been dating for a while. It makes total sense to me how that would develop over time with the progression of emotional intimacy. I heard at my exbfs church a while back that sex is like an iceberg. There's that peak at the top–the pleasure–then all the emotional bonding and chemistry underneath the water.

      1. The Dude says:

        I dare say yes and no to this FoxinRoxie. If someone's interested in another person primarily for sex and something fun, I don't know if there's a whole lot of emotional bonding underneath there. On the other hand, if the sex is treated as something more then it's going to mean something more. It's a question of what a person needs, what a person is getting, and how a person values sex.

      2. Just Thought says:

        Just a thought, and nothing else, but have you heard of demisexuality? A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

    6. ShainaCasper says:

      I kind of disagree. Sexual chemistry can't be brewed! It's there, or it's really, really not there. And, I wouldn't rely on pre-sex fee

      1. The Dude says:

        I can't completely agree with you on this. You can have the spark of sexual chemistry, you can have passion, you can have intense attraction, but sex can get better. Usually the first time isn't the best time, it's the 10th or 20th, if you're both paying attention to each other's likes and dislikes. So in that sense of sex getting better the more you do it with someone you're willing to put in the time with, you can "brew" chemistry together.

    7. The Dude says:

      You ABSOLUTELY should get a sense of someone sexually before you commit to them. It's common sense. I'm not saying you have to round all the bases, god I hate baseball, well, except when my team's in the playoffs-digressing-but you can't expect the spark of passion to be there. Most happy and healthy long-term relationships involve passion, involve staying physically attracted to your partner, and involve working at keeping up the intimacy between you, of which sex is DEFINITELY a component of. You have to know if it could work physically before you can commit, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to have SEX before you commit. Doesn't mean you shouldn't if you don't want to and can practice it safely either.

    8. This band knows how to groove and made everyone at SXSW fall in love. And how could you not with an accent like that?

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