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I want to save my virginity until I’m married. But I’ve heard that there are people out there who don’t mesh well in the bedroom. Is it a possibility that on my wedding night I’ll find out that I’ve pledged my life to someone who will never be able to satisfy me, and I’ll never be able to satisfy him? Surely you can tell someone’s… Ahem… “Style” just by heavy make-out sessions and by talking about sexual fantasies and such? How much of a bet would I be taking just hoping that I will enjoy having sex with my future husband for the rest of my life?
Seal is Unbroken
Dear Seal is Unbroken,
I think the bet you’re talking about taking is one that everyone who commits themselves to a partner has to take. And it’s a pretty big bet.
Sex isn’t the only component in the glue that holds a relationship together, but it’s an important ingredient nonetheless. Sexual chemistry is a must for a successful, long-term relationship. It is. Period. Pretend it isn’t, at some point, it’s going to bite you in the…well, pick the part of the body you think it’d hurt worse. But here’s the beauty about sexual chemistry, and something that should make you feel better about your situation– it can be brewed!
True, there’s a basic level of sexual chemistry that you’ll need to have. It sounds like you’ve got a bit of that already. What makes sex great, and makes it better in the long-run, is that you learn each others’ likes and dislikes. The more intimate you become, the further you can explore each others’ fantasies, and the more permission you will get to push the boundaries even further. That’s what makes great sexual chemistry: PRACTICE! Lots and lots of sex. Lots of trying new things. Lots of telling each other what you like, when you like it, how you like it, WHERE you like it. That’s all part of how a relationship grows–two people creating their own private sexual vocabulary. That’s a crucial step in deepening the connection you two have.
Will the sex always be perfect? No. There are going to be nights when you’ll be in the mood, but he won’t and vice versa. There will be some nights where you have the mindset of “You do me, I do you, and then we’ll go to sleep, because I’m freaking tired.” And those nights are okay, too. Not only that, but the frequency at which you’re going to have sex is going to go in cycles, because your lives together are going to be more than just about what you do under the covers.
Yes, sexual chemistry’s important. Yes, it can be mutually learned (to an extent). There are books, workshops, classes, and an entire industry devoted to helping couples continue to develop their sex lives. But on the basic level, the kind of “sneak previews” you’re talking about are a good indication that you two will be sexually compatible, and that with the kind of work that all couples put into it, you can have a very fulfilling sex life for years…now a very fulfilling marriage, that’s another question.
Don’t forget the safety goggles,