Like a Virgin [Diary of the Undateable]

I have a bone to pick with you, CollegeCandy. Why didn’t you guys tell me how horrifying OB/GYN appointments are? [Ed. Note: We’re sorry, Khalea!]

Though I’ve visited a gynecologist before, it was mostly routine stuff – weigh ins, urinating in a cup, a breast exam and lots of chatting with really sweet nurse practitioners. This time, however, was completely different. I hadn’t been to the doctor in a while, so I didn’t expect a huge difference. I should’ve known that things would get u-g-l-y (with no alibi, natch).

Everything was basically the same until the doc asked me to open up wide…not my mouth, though. Further South. She then proceeded to prod and prick places where I’d never let anyone see, ever.

“Haven’t you done this before?” she asked.

So just FYI, I’m a virgin. The only action that goes on down there is my Kegel exercises!

I guess that the pangs of growing older include awkward doctor visits, boring surveys and general assumptions about my sexual history. I don’t know whether to be offended or indifferent when people automatically assume that I’m not a virgin. It’s definitely happened more than once. At work, my boss asked if I was signed up for the company’s birth control reminder alerts and other forms of awareness for sexually active people. I didn’t bother mentioning that having a baby was a non-issue for me, unless it was Immaculate Conception.

I’m really not ashamed of my virginity – I’ve actually made it my goal to wait until marriage. But it seems like everyone else in the world has an issue with it. I chatted with a male friend who said that guys don’t like messing with virgins. “They’re clingy as hell!” he said. I’ve heard several men say that they don’t have the time or the patience to “teach” a virgin, either. I’ve heard the same thing from my girls, too!

It’s kind of interesting that the social status of virgins has changedwithin our generation. Premarital sex is strictly prohibited in Islamic communities. Catholic women who remain virgins have a “higher status” within their communities. The Greek goddess Athena was a virgin, too! But in my circle, I’m considered a late bloomer.

Maybe one day I’ll find someone who’s handsome, smart, funny, charming, patient and willing to wait…and teach. But until then, I guess it’s just me and Mary.

Do you have any friends who are virgins? Is it something they chose or something they feel “stuck” with? Why does virginity get such a bad rap? Let’s discuss in the comments below!

When she’s not watching for Blue Ivy sightings or doing some serious Facebook creeping, Khalea moonlights as a print journalism major at the REAL HU, Howard University. Follow her on Twitter at @letsbeKHAlear, or feel free to Twatch. Whatever works for you.

[Lead image via CREATISTA/Shutterstock]



  1. mel says:

    i am 21 and virgin and yea… i have some crazy doctors visits stories

  2. Aria says:

    I am 21 and am also a virgin and totally proud of it. That is a special gift i get to give my husband on our wedding nigth :)

  3. Danielle says:

    I am 22 and I just lost my virginity this year. For me waiting wasn't so much a choice as it was simply that I had not found a guy I trusted yet (and I have still never been in a real relationship). I totally felt your pain of those assumptions and questions as to why I was a virgin, like there must be something wrong with me.

    Honestly I still feel like a virgin since I was one for so long. And so I still HATE the way society treats virgins now-a-days.

    As for guys not being willing to teach…the guy I lost it too actually enjoyed being able to teach me stuff. I think guys are more open and patient after college. And FYI I know a few guys that are waiting for marriage so, don't worry, they are out there!

  4. name says:

    i 21 and also waiting for marrage

  5. Leah says:

    I am 21 and a virgin, very proud of it too. Waiting till i'm married, there should be no shame or judgement in that.

  6. plum says:

    I don't like the term "virgin" for this very reason – I feel like it's so easy to allow it to carry negative connotations, and it can become a burden. I haven't had any kind of sex yet, and that is what it is: I didn't "choose" it and I'm not "stuck" with it – at least that's how I feel. It's honestly no big deal to me, and if anyone I'm ever with in the future makes a big deal of it, then I don't really think I need them. I don't think anyone should make a big deal about it.

  7. Jas says:

    I'm 19 and a proud virgin!

    A lot of people are shocked that I'm a virgin I know this because when I tell people I get the "What?Oh my god! But your so pretty/beautiful…why?" I got that a lot in high school and this first year of college. I never realized that being pretty or beautiful meant you couldn't be a virgin.

    I will say I'm not waiting for marriage but just waiting for the right "man" (not boy) that I can trust and who deserves it!

  8. lauren says:

    21 and a virgin and proud of it

  9. Yup says:

    A lot of 21 year old virgins, i'm 20 (almost 21) and I find this very comforting. Also have my first OB/GYN appt in a few weeks would have stayed with the pediatrician but I realized it was getting awkward when the parents in the waiting room started asking me where my child was. But there will be absolutely no southward prying i'm telling the doc that upfront.

  10. Karen says:

    I lost my virginity at 21, and I wasn't waiting for anything besides a man that I liked and trusted enough to do that with. I didn't really get any comments about it, since a bunch of my friends were also still virgins, and also, like me, weren't waiting for marriage in particular. I made a lot of those assumptions about myself, though, which made me really insecure about it until I was 19 or 20.

    I had my first pap smear (I'm assuming that's what happened at your appointment) before I lost my virginity, and it was a little awkward, but not terrible. I was comfortable enough with my body at that point that I wasn't really embarrassed.

  11. guest says:

    Solidarity! Should post more on this topic! We need to change the idea that being a late virgin is uncommon and socially unacceptable

  12. Martina says:

    I am 22 years old and a virgin too. I'm not waiting for marriage, but I'm not willing to have sex with someone I don't love and I don't feel 100% comfortable with.
    A couple of sexually active friends have told me that I'm wasting my youth and that I should just have fun. This frustrates me a lot. I don't judge them for having sex, why do they feel entitled to lecture me about what I want to do with my life?

  13. Hallie says:

    I am 20 year old female and a virgin (I have not given nor received oral sex, I have not had vaginal sex or anal). I am glad that this article was published as I can relate to the author. The negative connotations associated with virginity are irritating. I just have not met a guy that I want to have sex with yet. I am also hesitant to put myself at risk for STIs and pregnancy. Condoms cannot always prevent everything! Most of my friends/colleagues are not virgins and I feel left out and embarrassed. I fear that if I meet a guy that I really like he will be turned off by my virginity. Society has a strange habit with glamorizing sex and slut-shaming at the same time. This is a quote from the film the Breakfast club, "it's a double-edged sword: you are a slut if you do it, but you're a prude if you don't."

    1. DeBoh says:

      The only reason a guy would be turned off by it is if he wanted to have sex with you and you didnt want to have sex with him. Then Yes it would be an issue

  14. Mimi says:

    I'm a virgin and when I told my friends in college first they were surprised but then one of my guy friends said I'm worth more. They don't really care because I'm still me. One of my friends is trying to get me laid lol. I agree with Jas I'm not waiting to marriage just the right guy.

  15. jacqueline says:

    being a virgin is a personal choice. i think we can all agree that there is way too much pressure to loose it regardless who the guy is. sad but true! but anyways power to us virgins!!!!

  16. ferrona says:

    Hallelujah! This is so good to know there are others out there who are 21 and virgin, not by choice or luck but just bc… I do have realized that being a minority in a sense ppl make a lot of assumptions. And they feel the need to lecture or “help” out. I don’t understand. I am perfectly dateable, being single/virgin is not a disease that needs to be cured. Some guys are out there that think dating a virgin means you’d be “teaching” them stuff is plain immature. We are in a social media age, I am pretty darn sure everyone by now knows tips and tricks of how a sexual experience may occur. I jus say have fun and do you, if you’re ready then go for it!

    1. Danielle says:

      I think, as a virgin, I knew more about sex than a lot of my friends that were actually having it! (A girl I know thought she could get pregnant from a guy fingering her so she preferred to have sex so he could use a condom! Seriously!) So I agree with you. And sex definitely doesn't imply maturity and virginity doesn't imply immaturity or even purity necessarily.

    2. DeBoh says:

      I'm going to have to disagree. Yes you can read about sex and how to have great sex in magazines and websites like this one. But as a male who has been having sex for Ten years now (I'm 26) I know for a fact I am way better at it than I was at 15. That's just the truth. I really can't think of one activity on the earth that people don't get better at with practice. I mean how could you not. I do disagree with the I don't have time to teach someone?!?!? That sounds crazy to me you have to teach every partner what your into and more importantly what your NOT into whether or not their a virgin

  17. mgobluegrl93 says:

    I'm almost 19 and I'm a virgin! GO US!!!! I'm totally with you on this–I'm waiting for marriage, too! I just feel like it's so hard nowadays because, as you said, people automatically assume that I’m not a virgin. I really don't understand why people have sex like it's no big deal. Cuz I feel like it is! You're giving yourself to someone else, and if it's just a casual hookup, then something's not right. Maybe it's the way society makes us feel pressured to have sex–how many times have we seen the late-night hookup ads on tv or the condom ads prominently displayed? Here's to us, virgins til marriage!

  18. Kay says:

    Hey try this. I am a virgin at 19, but had gone to the obgyn b/c i needed medication for cramps. 1) they asumed I was not a virgin…2) he tried to do a pap and couldn't! It turned out I had a skin condition that would've mad sex almost impossible(without more pain than hell itself). So at 18 I had to have SURGURY on a part of my body I hadn't shared to remove the excess skin so they could do a pap and that one day I could actually have sex someday…. And you thought a pap was scary.

  19. Kailee says:

    I'm almost 23 and still a virgin (at least penetration-wise), by choice, not for lack of opportunities, and I'm okay with it. The stereotypes are ridiculous, but I don't let them get to me. And, sure, it might be a turn-off for some guys, but those clearly aren't the right guys for you. Plus, there's a whole lot of other fun to be had without having actual sex :)

  20. Samantha says:

    It seems im d oldest here cos I just clocked 27, im a virgin, im proud of it and waiting for marriage. My friends stil marvel cos im very pretty, physically wel endowed with a lot of admirers. For me its a choice cos sex is bonding which should be special and i intend losing my virginity to a man who understands this not one who sees and treats it as a hobby.

  21. […] decision about my virginity is ironclad. I do not want to give it up to someone who isn’t my husband, point blank. I’m […]

  22. […] decision about my virginity is ironclad. I do not want to give it up to someone who isn’t my husband, point blank. I’m […]

  23. Elle says:

    I'm a 28 year old virgin, not necessarily by choice, but due to lack of opportunity. I've definitely heard guys worry about "clingyness" and it's really frustrating trying to date and worry about when/if you are going to have the "I'm a virgin" conversation.

  24. Steph says:

    I'm 19, a sophomore in college and still a virgin, so are a bunch of my friends. I'm not waiting for marriage just waiting for someone I like and trust and feel comfortable with! I hate the stereotypes and assumptions people make about virgins.

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