How To Not Be The Crazy Girlfriend

Yeah, I said it. The ‘C’ word that girls hate most: Crazy. And guess what ladies, we’ve all got a little bit of it. I don’t mean serial killer, collect people’s teeth crazy. Just that crazy we’re called when reason gives way to emotion and impulse. Those moments when we react without getting to the bottom of how we’re feeling, without really getting to the source of our frustration, and it all comes out as a disconcerted mess that makes us look more than a little foolish. Funny how that C word leads to that B word. Maybe I’m the only one?

I’ll level with you. I consider myself a confident and reasonable woman. I believe self reflection is important and a crucial part of growing into a mature individual, and that self awareness is a human responsibility. I try to judge situations fairly, and I’m generally pretty hard on myself. And you know what? I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was really making some progress away from those emotional impulses that dominated my teenage years. I was even so bold to figuratively pat myself on the back a few months ago thinking, “Man, Jenny, you’ve really come a long way. Good for you. That silly seventeen year old version of yourself? Long gone.” I think figurative pats on the back are just begging for trouble. I’m pretty sure the universe gave me a look that said, “Oh, that’s cute. Real cute.” Because avoiding situations that provoke the crazy isn’t the same thing as maturing beyond the crazy. If only I didn’t have to learn lessons the hard way. But I do, and I’ll explain.

I dated a guy very seriously in college. Thought he was the one and that we would grow old and happy together. Surprise, surprise, we went through a really ugly and painful break up. Womp, womp, we all have a similar story. I was crushed, and experienced the hardest 6 months of my life–during which I was an unrecognizable version of myself. And it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because after 6 months of hell, and another 6 months of recovering from that hell, I emerged a much stronger ‘me’ than the girl who first entered the relationship. I finally got a point where I could look back and see how unreasonable I had been, not only in the relationship, but during the break up. No, it wasn’t all my fault. He was unreasonable, too, but at least I was able to see my shortcomings. It’s been three years since that break up, and I vowed to move far beyond that silly girl with unbearable control issues and severe sensitivity. Ever look back and think, “Why in the world did I ever get upset about that?” Yeah, I did that a lot. But I really have made progress, dammit!

Progress be what it may, sometimes that crazy rears its head in an ugly way. Or maybe it rears its head, and we choose to react in an ugly way. What I’m saying is that my crazy recently reared its head in an ugly way, and I reacted in an uglier way. For whatever reason I was feeling a bit insecure (hey, I said I was confident, not perfect!), I was on my period, and my brilliant plan to counter those things was tequila. Talk about recipe for disaster. Sometimes I’m the dumbest smart person I know. There may be no way to ever rid yourself completely of insecurities that make you uncomfortable in a situation. And ‘perfect’ is boring anyway. Am I right? You can, however, learn to control your reactions to those insecurities. Here are my “learned the hard way” tips for avoiding that crazy girl in us all!



  1. Amarie says:

    Thanks for this! This has happened to me more than a few times bc I’m the type that tells you if something is bothering me! lol. And of course my boyfriend will pull out the ‘C’ word, I loathe for a few hours and then I feel sorry bc it wasn’t a big deal at all. I have been doing MUCH better lately :) and this post made me feel like I’m not the only crazy! Haha.

    1. Jenny University of Texas says:

      Don't worry girl! I think it's safe to say there are plenty of 'crazies' in the world! Thanks for the kind words. They're much appreciated!! xx

  2. […] • How not to be the crazy girlfriend. (CollegeCandy) […]

  3. Eff it. If they don't want you, crazy & all, find someone who does.

  4. Jaimee L. says:

    While I can see some very valid points to this article, I take issue with the label "crazy". I suspect that you anticipated this response and I am in no way trying to undermine the point of your article. My only question is, why, when a female becomes emotional, confrontational, or frustrated, is she deemed "crazy"? These are normal human responses, women and men alike will face times of intense emotions. In this article, you state that your "crazy" is rearing its head, but I feel that is a cop out. The fact of the matter is that women and men can becmone irrational in times of strong emotion, be it anger, sadness, or betrayal. While I support the coping mechanisms listed in this article, I do take issue with the term crazy. Also, this term is demeaning to those who truly do have a mental illness. I just wish that more women would stand up for the fact that responses to emotional triggers are a human quality, not a feminine one, and certainly does not make us crazy.

    1. Jenny University of Texas says:

      Thanks for the feedback, Jaimee! I agree… the word is unfair and demeaning. I should have been more cautious using it. I just wanted to call attention to the fact that it is used and acknowledge how it is used…however unfairly.

    2. Jay says:

      Think it's more of a problem of being irrational, not necessarily crazy, though they're just as frustrating as each other.

  5. damaskaren says:

    What a great list!! i really have to work on the "don't run to the girls right away" and the "make the change you want him to make" departments. I usually overanalyze a bit too much with my friends and in the end it just makes me feel worse…

  6. Jacey says:

    This article was so refreshingly non-superficial/shallow; thank you!
    Lately I've been disappointed with CC for having sooooo many fluff articles, but this one was actually well-written, and included helpful tips. My favorite tip was the last one–make the change you want him to make. Definitely something I can work on!

  7. Guest says:

    This was a wonderful article. Very frank and genuine. All of your advice was spot-on.

  8. Abby says:

    Such a beautifully written article, it was like you were narrating my thoughts!

  9. HBomb says:

    Great article! Went through something like this a few weeks ago. Like you said just be honest with him and yourself and sleep on it a night before exploding and don't drink the problem away… it never works. If you don't have a little crazy in you, that's weird (to me at least).

  10. kate says:

    great article! bookmarking this! thank you so much :)

  11. Jelly says:

    Great article, Jenny! I definitely recognized my own behavior as well as the methods I have used to deal with it. It feels good to know I am not alone in having these feelings, and it feels DAMN good to look back on the way I used to behave a few years ago, and how much calmer I am now. Maturity helps you to deal with those negative feelings in less…explosive ways. I'm not perfect but I do try hard and it makes me feel awful when I slip up. Overall, Jenny, you've done a wonderful job articulating how many women feel and your tips are actually very helpful and insightful. I've used most of them myself.

    However, I do agree with Jaimee L that it's not fair that when a woman has a strong emotional reaction to a situation that she finds hurtful, unpleasant or inappropriate, she is labelled "crazy" because it's not only insulting, but dismissive. I do believe that girls need to develop a strong sense of self-worth, take a moment to breathe when they're upset and try talking things through in a calm manner BUT guys need to do their part as well!

    My current boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and NOT ONCE has he called me "crazy", even when I probably deserved it. His attitude is, "If you're upset with me, don't just yell, tell me how you feel and we'll work on it." The fact that he took me so seriously and didn't just dismiss my anger (like previous boyfriends had done), made me realize that since he was willing to listen, I owed it to him to explain myself, without raising my voice or crying or whatever. He refuses to call me crazy and I am losing the impulse to act crazy, if that makes sense. I already know he will take my concerns seriously and all I need to do is tell him, so I'm not coming out with guns blazing.

    1. Jenny University of Texas says:

      Does your boyfriend have a brother?! He sounds amazing, and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that he's worth holding onto. Thank you so much for the feedback. I agree, crazy is an unfair word. And I also agree that men need to do their part! Great insight!

  12. […] However, if you are looking to be a more laid back partner, here are some steps you can take, via College Candy. 1. Avoid Alcohol I’ve never heard of alcohol making someone more rational. When […]

  13. Frank says:

    I don’t even know what to say. I read your article, because I have been dealing with my girlfriend’s “C” behavior, and out of frustration landed here after searching for info on Google.

    I’m about at the end of my rope. I’ve done some foolish things, like had telephone contact with my ex and sms, which my current girlfriend found out about 8 months after the fact. I had already stopped, because I guess I came to the realization that that wasn’t cool. Either way, it was plutonic conversation and never talk of getting together, or “I miss you”, just talk. I could go into more detail as to the why and wherefore, but this is already getting longer than I had plannned.

    Anyway, my found the messages in my old phone that had been laying dormant in a drawer of hers for quite a while, and when she found it, all hell broke loose.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, this is all understandable. I shouldn’t have had this contact with my ex, but anyway, I did and I apologized perfusely. It fell on deaf ears. Then a few weeks later it seemed as though things were getting back to normal, and I was doing my best to work things out, and make up for my screw-ups. I even went along with her wanting to go see her friend for a week long holiday, using my money.

    While there, even though I was told otherwise, a lot of club going ensued. At which point I later found out she exchanged phone numbers with some guy, who, according to her, she said she told,”Don’t hope, because I love my boyfriend”.

    When she came back there was one day in particular that she started a fight with me over some trivial thing, that ended with her storming out after cracking me across the face over some bullshit thing I realized later was just a way to get an excuse for going on a fling with this guy she gave her number to. She had her friend lie to me, but I figured it out.

    On the way back, she cried on the phone telling me what a mistake she had made and she knew I was the guy for her. I wasn’t too interested in any reconciliation at that point, but over the course of the next few weeks we came to an understanding, and I basically accepted the fact that she did this because what a betrayal she considered my staying in contact with my ex. I realize this was my choice, and although friends thought I was an idiot, I love her and went along with it.

    Now, as I said, I realize that was my choice, but tell me honestly, after her going on holiday with some strange guy that she just met, and admitting to me, that she just did it because she wanted to end our relationship. Then even coming back with an STD from this clown, she now is still continually throwing everything I’ve ever done in my face, and we argue on pretty much a 4 days of the week basis about everything I did to her over the last 2 years (95% of which has only taken place in her mind), but anyway, and when, out of sheer frustration, I bring up the fact that she actually had sex with someone outside of our relationship, that is my fault too!

    It’s like I’m guilty of everything I’ve done; everything she’s ever thought I’ve done; everything I could possibly do; and I’m also responsible for everything that could in any way be construed as something wrong!

    What the fuck?!

  14. Rox says:

    Hi so I have been in a long distance relationship for 6 months And I love him! but I am being a crazy girlfriend! I don’t like the way I am anymore :/ I don’t want to be the crazy girlfriend I am turning into.. but I don’t know what to do anymore I need to control my emotions I just don’t know how.. I need help!

  15. Jade says:

    I am going through the roughest break-up ever. Yesterday put the cherry on top. It had been 2 1/2 years.
    In the beginning, when things got serious I questioned our status not even sure of myself if I was ready for commitment, but this was the first time I fell deeply in love with a guy, EVER! He didn’t want a relationship at the moment as he said and i respected that! and that’s when I started to fall back But not quiete. We continued hanging out everyday hard. At this time, i was living with my cousin but I was at his crib for the summer.
    1st incident
    My phone got cut off so to keep in touch with my mother I used his phone for emergencies. Suprised! He trusted me enough to let me play a game in there too. Never nothing too long tho. One night, we was watching a movie and I didn’t notice that he had been texting the whole while Until the movie was over. He had his phone face up on bed and I was on my knees kneeling on the bed and a text popped up “Shay” i said nothing. I noticed his dead give away by him following me to the bathroom and asking me “what?” As if I was to blow up At him. I didn’t. I recored it in my head and took a long hot shower ALONE. So when I got out I asked to use his phone. And he must’ve bought how I had played it kool. So I did what I had to do as well as looked at their conversation. I saw that this girl was a big deal even though, she was far away they was talking heavy. Heavy enough that I got jealous because he was on some shit we on, minus the time/sex. But trust me dhe would visit and they’d meet up. So I played it well…. feelings hurt!! Lol I sat on his lap and whispered in his ear “if u fuckin shay, u better use a condom” he looked crazy af because he knew what I was talking about. I explained to him that now I understood why you didn’t want a relationship but if we move forward its gotta get better. He agreed!! Now, why I didn’t trip hard was because I had done some shit already too. So it wouldn’t be fair to blow up especially when we good. So next night I was over my cousin and he called her phone saying he needed to talk to me. So he came over and we talked. This fool asked what I did at my friends house the other day. (My friend, a guy from my hometown…very few of us from Vegas so we stuck together so that’s why it was never an issue with him.) So he went ahead and confronted me about having sex with him. Yes I know ! I was messed up I guess but for him to play like he had been perfect, no it blew me! So once I figured we needed to settle this at his place i asked to use his phone to tell my cousin to lock to door. I see the same girl on the call log he had just talk to her on the way to confront me. So I got out the car and he grabbed me and I shook from him. He followed me in the house and we argued! But was good after!!
    If he was innocent of doing nothing he would’ve left me alone but since he was guilty of it all we looked passed it.
    Now, we were both in college, broke, in love. The semester came around quickly.We was so good He actually ran into some issues and he started staying with me the spring semester, so he could get his stuff together. Now, this is where things got confusing. We playing house. Everything was fine and I didn’t even have to bring up a title because there we were, together happily and never at a challenging moment. Until, he came home at a ridiculous 3am. I hadn’t spoke to him or nothing. He apologized for it and we made love. lol Few days later he did it again not that late but he explained where his whereabouts be so i was good. at this time i started going out with my co workers. Cool! I believe when my best friend came to visit he looked in my phone at some point when it was down and seen a guy that he knew texted me and it was a bit flirtatious but not really. The guy was in a frat and always sent me party invites and after that I replied “thanks cutie” and that is what started the madness in what lead me to believe that we are in a relationship because first off if we aren’t in one why even let the spirit move u into going thru my phone first and then questioning me about if I would flirt with guys? And he’d make a big deal of it knowing damn well I’m his. Idk but getting passed problems and things of that nature made our relationship stronger and after while I got tired of not knowing if it was official or not. So I just cut all ties with straggler-text buddies all together just to focus of my relationship that he obviously shows that he wants to be in now. I go by actions.
    Once he got his own place with a roommate we pretty much still rocking.
    Incident 2
    About the 4th month staying his roommate. It was around graduation time. The area he stayed in I rarely would visit unless I took that way to campus or I was in the area. So I went to a grad party and it was near campus. Mind u we hadn’t talked in 3 days. So if I call u why not answer? It was almost 3 am and I was on my way back home which I had to pass his place. So I told myself if he doesn’t answer let him call back…. But I couldn’t! He didn’t answer my 2nd call and I just hit the corner. Before I turned into his place I saw a car there. My heart dropped but maybe they had company… So I drove passed. I bust a U and went over and it was a girl there…. I was crushed first that he didn’t answer the phone. And two that I had been accused in between times but never would he ever find another guy at my house. Better yet if so I’d answer just to keep you where u was. But when I went in it was quite comfy and I pulled him outside and his first words were ” we are not together!!!” Meaning me+ him= no relationship but of course it made no sense so I mushed him.
    I should’ve stopped fucking with him then. Because he pissed me off enough for me to strike him. And he tried to downplay us. But the next day he was sooo sorry and shyt Bullshyt!!
    We made up.

    Incident 3
    So 2 years go by and he had to move in with me again and this time I had my older sister and another roommate. We all was good until one night a co worker was over and we was all conversing and she mentioned him and some chick on Instagram. She did not know me and him was dating. She figured we were all roommates. I’m not that open about who I date and really it is no ones business. I confronted him about the chick and he denied even knowing the girl which was a lie. He finally told me the next morning during a confrontation. I was forced to confront him again about another chick my home girl told me about that morning. This whole time he had been on my back about other guys but he had the nerve to deny me to this chick and at this point when it get backs to me that he did not even acknowledge that not only is he living with me I just so happen to be his girl as well. When I confronted him he had the nerve to say that me and him was not together so it was okay and that he was not wrong. No! You wrong because u can’t just say we aren’t together whenever you gets caught up and saying that it will make feelings go away. Also to mention, he never paid a dime. He wasn’t made to either. Simply because you was my boyfriend to me and I was helping you out soo that he could save up and get things he needs. Putting myself on hold! I never tripped until he tried to play games with me. And things he told this chick made me believe that he was using me taking advantage until he got his own place…. Mind you he has not been focusing on moving in fact he was quite comfortable. And he was just lying to me and I feel so broken and used And embarrassed…. The day I confronted him I spoke with the chick and she told me everything. He said things like “we not even together ” and that “she just a girl I stay with until I get a new spot and we pretty much do our own thing”. I feel soo played! So sense I could never get to the bottom of it. Because he kept throwing old shyt in my face tryna make me feel bad. He couldn’t admit it and apologize really. So I put him out! We decided to give us a break. His shit was still at my house dog too… If u don’t want us or put forth effort to this relationship, then take everything and if the new girl is your girl now then Yu should not be my concern anymore. Instead! That wasn’t the case he left everything. A week later I seen him at her job in her face. To hear things is 1 but to see it was something totally different. Especially if he planned on coming back to me. He had all energy to continue fucking with this girl still. So I showed out in the store….. I know I looked completely ridiculous and to many, out of character. I would’ve never done it if he hadn’t took so long to come talk to me. He put her on hold and asked what I wanted rudely as if he “The Man” and we didn’t have unfinished business. So I hit him and he slammed me and my sister came in a broke us up. I kept getting to him after because he kept mentioning the shit I’ve did in the past. So we left and I pulled in front of his job which was right across from hers and I got out and we started to talk. He was not making things better but for worst. He had already shared a few words with my sister which lit her fire. So while I’m talking to him she kept riding past and yelling out the car. Me trying to calm her down… He kept telling her to roll the window up. So she stopped. And I thought went and parked. So she came back around and said lets go!! So I wrapped it up and we left…, On my way home she told me she put his tires on flat. I immediately screamed and yelled at her. Because why she got that mad over what he was telling her idk why … But she did and Even though the shot he did was wrong I know that I would never do such thing. She did it! Now he is really done because I have to take the rap for it…

    One week later, he was seen at the movies with her….. He moved on and I’m here hurt!

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