How To Not Be The Crazy Girlfriend

May 2, 2012 10:41 am     Posted in Advice, Relationships, Rotating Marquee  Jenny University of Texas g+ page


By Jenny University Of Texas

Yeah, I said it. The ‘C’ word that girls hate most: Crazy. And guess what ladies, we’ve all got a little bit of it. I don’t mean serial killer, collect people’s teeth crazy. Just that crazy we’re called when reason gives way to emotion and impulse. Those moments when we react without getting to the bottom of how we’re feeling, without really getting to the source of our frustration, and it all comes out as a disconcerted mess that makes us look more than a little foolish. Funny how that C word leads to that B word. Maybe I’m the only one?

I’ll level with you. I consider myself a confident and reasonable woman. I believe self reflection is important and a crucial part of growing into a mature individual, and that self awareness is a human responsibility. I try to judge situations fairly, and I’m generally pretty hard on myself. And you know what? I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was really making some progress away from those emotional impulses that dominated my teenage years. I was even so bold to figuratively pat myself on the back a few months ago thinking, “Man, Jenny, you’ve really come a long way. Good for you. That silly seventeen year old version of yourself? Long gone.” I think figurative pats on the back are just begging for trouble. I’m pretty sure the universe gave me a look that said, “Oh, that’s cute. Real cute.” Because avoiding situations that provoke the crazy isn’t the same thing as maturing beyond the crazy. If only I didn’t have to learn lessons the hard way. But I do, and I’ll explain.

I dated a guy very seriously in college. Thought he was the one and that we would grow old and happy together. Surprise, surprise, we went through a really ugly and painful break up. Womp, womp, we all have a similar story. I was crushed, and experienced the hardest 6 months of my life–during which I was an unrecognizable version of myself. And it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because after 6 months of hell, and another 6 months of recovering from that hell, I emerged a much stronger ‘me’ than the girl who first entered the relationship. I finally got a point where I could look back and see how unreasonable I had been, not only in the relationship, but during the break up. No, it wasn’t all my fault. He was unreasonable, too, but at least I was able to see my shortcomings. It’s been three years since that break up, and I vowed to move far beyond that silly girl with unbearable control issues and severe sensitivity. Ever look back and think, “Why in the world did I ever get upset about that?” Yeah, I did that a lot. But I really have made progress, dammit!

Progress be what it may, sometimes that crazy rears its head in an ugly way. Or maybe it rears its head, and we choose to react in an ugly way. What I’m saying is that my crazy recently reared its head in an ugly way, and I reacted in an uglier way. For whatever reason I was feeling a bit insecure (hey, I said I was confident, not perfect!), I was on my period, and my brilliant plan to counter those things was tequila. Talk about recipe for disaster. Sometimes I’m the dumbest smart person I know. There may be no way to ever rid yourself completely of insecurities that make you uncomfortable in a situation. And ‘perfect’ is boring anyway. Am I right? You can, however, learn to control your reactions to those insecurities. Here are my “learned the hard way” tips for avoiding that crazy girl in us all!

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    • 18 Comments on "How To Not Be The Crazy Girlfriend"

    1. Amarie says:
      Wed, 2nd May 201212:01 pm 

      Thanks for this! This has happened to me more than a few times bc I’m the type that tells you if something is bothering me! lol. And of course my boyfriend will pull out the ‘C’ word, I loathe for a few hours and then I feel sorry bc it wasn’t a big deal at all. I have been doing MUCH better lately :) and this post made me feel like I’m not the only crazy! Haha.

    2. Jenny University of Texas says:
      Wed, 2nd May 201212:22 pm 

      Don't worry girl! I think it's safe to say there are plenty of 'crazies' in the world! Thanks for the kind words. They're much appreciated!! xx

    3. @zombie_porno says:
      Wed, 2nd May 20126:00 pm 

      Eff it. If they don't want you, crazy & all, find someone who does.

    4. Jaimee L. says:
      Wed, 2nd May 20129:35 pm 

      While I can see some very valid points to this article, I take issue with the label "crazy". I suspect that you anticipated this response and I am in no way trying to undermine the point of your article. My only question is, why, when a female becomes emotional, confrontational, or frustrated, is she deemed "crazy"? These are normal human responses, women and men alike will face times of intense emotions. In this article, you state that your "crazy" is rearing its head, but I feel that is a cop out. The fact of the matter is that women and men can becmone irrational in times of strong emotion, be it anger, sadness, or betrayal. While I support the coping mechanisms listed in this article, I do take issue with the term crazy. Also, this term is demeaning to those who truly do have a mental illness. I just wish that more women would stand up for the fact that responses to emotional triggers are a human quality, not a feminine one, and certainly does not make us crazy.

    5. damaskaren says:
      Thu, 3rd May 20121:31 am 

      What a great list!! i really have to work on the "don't run to the girls right away" and the "make the change you want him to make" departments. I usually overanalyze a bit too much with my friends and in the end it just makes me feel worse…

    6. Jacey says:
      Sun, 6th May 20122:41 am 

      This article was so refreshingly non-superficial/shallow; thank you!
      Lately I've been disappointed with CC for having sooooo many fluff articles, but this one was actually well-written, and included helpful tips. My favorite tip was the last one–make the change you want him to make. Definitely something I can work on!

    7. Guest says:
      Sun, 6th May 20122:06 pm 

      This was a wonderful article. Very frank and genuine. All of your advice was spot-on.

    8. Abby says:
      Mon, 7th May 20126:13 am 

      Such a beautifully written article, it was like you were narrating my thoughts!
      http://www.onestilettoatatime.com

    9. HBomb says:
      Mon, 7th May 201211:54 am 

      Great article! Went through something like this a few weeks ago. Like you said just be honest with him and yourself and sleep on it a night before exploding and don't drink the problem away… it never works. If you don't have a little crazy in you, that's weird (to me at least).

    10. kate says:
      Wed, 9th May 201212:10 pm 

      great article! bookmarking this! thank you so much :)

    11. Jelly says:
      Wed, 9th May 20121:47 pm 

      Great article, Jenny! I definitely recognized my own behavior as well as the methods I have used to deal with it. It feels good to know I am not alone in having these feelings, and it feels DAMN good to look back on the way I used to behave a few years ago, and how much calmer I am now. Maturity helps you to deal with those negative feelings in less…explosive ways. I'm not perfect but I do try hard and it makes me feel awful when I slip up. Overall, Jenny, you've done a wonderful job articulating how many women feel and your tips are actually very helpful and insightful. I've used most of them myself.

      However, I do agree with Jaimee L that it's not fair that when a woman has a strong emotional reaction to a situation that she finds hurtful, unpleasant or inappropriate, she is labelled "crazy" because it's not only insulting, but dismissive. I do believe that girls need to develop a strong sense of self-worth, take a moment to breathe when they're upset and try talking things through in a calm manner BUT guys need to do their part as well!

      My current boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and NOT ONCE has he called me "crazy", even when I probably deserved it. His attitude is, "If you're upset with me, don't just yell, tell me how you feel and we'll work on it." The fact that he took me so seriously and didn't just dismiss my anger (like previous boyfriends had done), made me realize that since he was willing to listen, I owed it to him to explain myself, without raising my voice or crying or whatever. He refuses to call me crazy and I am losing the impulse to act crazy, if that makes sense. I already know he will take my concerns seriously and all I need to do is tell him, so I'm not coming out with guns blazing.

    12. Jenny University of Texas says:
      Wed, 9th May 20121:55 pm 

      Does your boyfriend have a brother?! He sounds amazing, and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that he's worth holding onto. Thank you so much for the feedback. I agree, crazy is an unfair word. And I also agree that men need to do their part! Great insight!

    13. Jenny University of Texas says:
      Wed, 9th May 20121:58 pm 

      Thanks for the feedback, Jaimee! I agree… the word is unfair and demeaning. I should have been more cautious using it. I just wanted to call attention to the fact that it is used and acknowledge how it is used…however unfairly.

    14. Frank says:
      Tue, 29th May 20122:59 pm 

      I don’t even know what to say. I read your article, because I have been dealing with my girlfriend’s “C” behavior, and out of frustration landed here after searching for info on Google.

      I’m about at the end of my rope. I’ve done some foolish things, like had telephone contact with my ex and sms, which my current girlfriend found out about 8 months after the fact. I had already stopped, because I guess I came to the realization that that wasn’t cool. Either way, it was plutonic conversation and never talk of getting together, or “I miss you”, just talk. I could go into more detail as to the why and wherefore, but this is already getting longer than I had plannned.

      Anyway, my found the messages in my old phone that had been laying dormant in a drawer of hers for quite a while, and when she found it, all hell broke loose.

      Now, don’t get me wrong, this is all understandable. I shouldn’t have had this contact with my ex, but anyway, I did and I apologized perfusely. It fell on deaf ears. Then a few weeks later it seemed as though things were getting back to normal, and I was doing my best to work things out, and make up for my screw-ups. I even went along with her wanting to go see her friend for a week long holiday, using my money.

      While there, even though I was told otherwise, a lot of club going ensued. At which point I later found out she exchanged phone numbers with some guy, who, according to her, she said she told,”Don’t hope, because I love my boyfriend”.

      When she came back there was one day in particular that she started a fight with me over some trivial thing, that ended with her storming out after cracking me across the face over some bullshit thing I realized later was just a way to get an excuse for going on a fling with this guy she gave her number to. She had her friend lie to me, but I figured it out.

      On the way back, she cried on the phone telling me what a mistake she had made and she knew I was the guy for her. I wasn’t too interested in any reconciliation at that point, but over the course of the next few weeks we came to an understanding, and I basically accepted the fact that she did this because what a betrayal she considered my staying in contact with my ex. I realize this was my choice, and although friends thought I was an idiot, I love her and went along with it.

      Now, as I said, I realize that was my choice, but tell me honestly, after her going on holiday with some strange guy that she just met, and admitting to me, that she just did it because she wanted to end our relationship. Then even coming back with an STD from this clown, she now is still continually throwing everything I’ve ever done in my face, and we argue on pretty much a 4 days of the week basis about everything I did to her over the last 2 years (95% of which has only taken place in her mind), but anyway, and when, out of sheer frustration, I bring up the fact that she actually had sex with someone outside of our relationship, that is my fault too!

      It’s like I’m guilty of everything I’ve done; everything she’s ever thought I’ve done; everything I could possibly do; and I’m also responsible for everything that could in any way be construed as something wrong!

      What the fuck?!

    15. Jay says:
      Thu, 15th Nov 20122:36 pm 

      Think it's more of a problem of being irrational, not necessarily crazy, though they're just as frustrating as each other.

    16. Rox says:
      Fri, 21st Dec 201212:52 am 

      Hi so I have been in a long distance relationship for 6 months And I love him! but I am being a crazy girlfriend! I don’t like the way I am anymore :/ I don’t want to be the crazy girlfriend I am turning into.. but I don’t know what to do anymore I need to control my emotions I just don’t know how.. I need help!

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