Rough Sex is Feminist [Sexy Time]

By Jasmine R.

An article on YourTango posed an interesting question – “Can a lady enjoy rough sex and still be a feminist?” Yes. Absolutely. This is an issue that I struggled with for a while. I started actively identifying as a feminist in high school, and what that meant to me at the time was that women should not be denied opportunities that men have, and that one’s quality of life should not suffer because of their gender. I didn’t start having intimate relations with guys until years later. The first guy I ever kissed identified as a feminist and he asked me how I could fight the patriarchy without tasting it (I didn’t realize precisely how repulsive such a question was until after the fact, unfortunately). It wasn’t until I lost my virginity a few years later that I started to truly examine how feminism and my sexual proclivities would intersect.

I love rough sex. It is essentially the only kind of intercourse that holds my attention. I am very submissive and I love being degraded and dominated by my partner in the bedroom. I absolutely need the sex to be rough and demeaning in order to orgasm. Prior to having sex, I never thought that this would be my preference, but it was something that my partner and I started to explore organically, and it’s very fulfilling to me. The fact that I am able to explore my sexuality safely, determine what I want, and effectively communicate my desires and my boundaries to my partner are all very sex-positive, feminist actions.

However, I know that my preferences do not exist in a vacuum. Subjugating and dominating women is endemic in our culture. If I had grown up in a society where there was no patriarchy and no misogyny, where mainstream porn didn’t glorify female submissiveness, where women weren’t routinely and systematically objectified, would I feel so secure in my sexual proclivities? My performance in the bedroom pretty much mirrors how female sexuality is executed on a larger scale. So I am aware that, subconsciously, I am choosing to acquiesce to societal norms. It would be naive to deny that culture has influenced the way I approach sex.

Be that as it may, I don’t think any sexual act is intrinsically feminist or anti-feminist. I can never emphasize the significance of consent, open lines of communication, mutual respect and clear boundaries enough. As long as those elements are present, the sex is feminist. Feminism is not a rigid set of rules and regulations. It is fluid, evolving, and puts a lot of emphasis on personal agency and choice. Choosing to have orgasms the way you want to is very much a feminist act.

[Lead image via Margarita Borodina/Shutterstock]