Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends? [He Said/She Said]

May 10, 2012 7:15 pm     Posted in He Said She Said, Homepage Exclusive, Relationships, Rotating Marquee, Sex  Alexandra Gehringer g+ page


By Alexandra Gehringer

I’ve had my share of really good guy friends. You know what I’m talking about. The ones who sleep in your bed, who know your favorite beer and bring a six-pack over just because. The ones who text you when some random, funny thing happens and call you to rant when they’ve had a bad day. The two of you probably share the same taste in movies and music and the same sense of humor. You advise him on his haircuts, he helps you assemble your Ikea furniture (or, in my case, reach whatever’s on the top shelf).

But at the end of the day, you flirt with other guys at the bar, he dates some girl he met on the subway, and it all works out. You’re just friends. You don’t care where he’s sticking his P, and he has no rights to your V. Friends. Awesome, wonderful, totally-not-having-dirty-thoughts-when-he-looks-at-you-that-way friends. Isn’t it great?

Yeah right.

You can tell yourself it’s platonic. That neither of you has feelings for the other. And at first it might be true; it can definitely work…for a while. But all that time spent sharing beds and jokes and take-out boxes of vegetable fried rice are bound to amount to something. Feelings.

Drunk feelings are the first sign that your happy friendship is sinking. One night after you’ve both taken 73 shots to the face and sang your hearts out to the timeless Jagged Edge hit, “Let’s Get Married,” one of you will most certainly toss out the idea of getting hitched for realsies. This will be followed by the phrase, “Can I tell you something? No, I’m being serious. Stop laughing. You’re still laughing. We need to talk.” Then, before you know it, you’re in the back of a cab and someone is pouring their heart out, claiming they loved you all along and their face is inching closer to yours and, to quote Xtina, your body’s saying “Let’s go!” but your heart is saying “No!” So what happens? You get to second base in a yellow Ford Taurus speeding down 2nd Ave. While the fallout may prove to be irreparable, at least the experience makes for a good story should you one day write a post like this one.

The next scenario you’re likely to encounter with your “just friend” is the jealous significant other. Those are some angry feelings bubbling, let me tell you. How exactly do you explain to your boyfriend or girlfriend that you have another boy friend or girl friend (note the spaces)…except when you share a bed with them, it’s just for a snuggle sesh? No one wants to know that the person they’re exclusively dating is kinda-sorta emotionally cheating. Fights will ensue, hearts will break, perfectly good things will go very bad. Bottom line: You can’t have your cake and be BFFs with another cake, too.

Now, brace yourselves for this one. The last potential outcome is probably the worst one here: You’re the one with the feelings, but you don’t say anything. Pleading the 5th, playing the bud and watching him go through girlfriends and hookups is probably the worst experience ever. If you’re like me — a girl in possession of a big mouth and sub-par communication skills — just run in the opposite direction. You’ll blurt out some partially-formed sentiment at the exact wrong moment and live to eat your words. Trust me. Been there, not fun. Lots of stuttering and backpedaling involved. I get that emotions are scary, and you have this mental image of confessing your love only to be met with a long silence, followed by him saying, “So don’t take this the wrong way, but I just don’t think of you as more than a friend…” To tell you the truth, that’s probably how it will play out. #ForeverAlone

In summation, men and women cannot be friends. Not for very long, at least. Someone’s eventually gonna wanna tap that. End of argument.

Agree? Disagree? Have a totally platonic guy friend? How’s that working out for you?

And don’t forget to see what He Said over at COEDMagazine.com! (For the record, we’re totally not friends.)

[Lead image via Yuri Arcurs/Shutterstock]

21 Comments on "Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends? [He Said/She Said]"

  1. Maggie says:
    Thu, 10th May 20128:25 pm 

    Arg not this again. Just because we have different pieces parts doesn't mean we can't hang out. Sometimes, if you are heterosexual and you are good enough pals to be best friends, maybe you want to ramp it up. Seriously, a good relationship is like a best friend with benefits but that doesn't mean every person that finds you entertaining and likes females wants to sex you.
    Same way just because you had sex doesn't mean they want to be your friend, or boyfriend for that matter. I have three super good guy friends, we talk, share feelings, occasionally have hot tub parties and no sexy time. 10 years going strong. I'd say that how you meet is important though- that is what people never consider. Known him since he was five? Yeah… try and get hot and heavy while thinking of the time he stuck straws up his nose and danced naked on the slip-n-slide. Good friend's boyfriend who turns out to be awesome? Well at least for me that ship will never sail after it was in her harbor. Seriously people have more on their minds than sex despite what the media tells us.

  2. LoveAddict says:
    Thu, 10th May 20128:26 pm 

    I agree! I have a guy best friend–and sure we have our moments of "platonic", but we also have our counter moments of "feelings".
    Then again, I might just be a whore. We have slept together, and it brought us closer in friendship. Weird? Probably.
    He now has a girlfriend, and I have my own dramas… but at the end of the day we love each other and are there for whatever the other needs.. Whether that need is a 3 am waffle house run, tampon buying–or the occasional orgasm (not while he has a girlfriend though….)
    Also… we have vowed to marry each other if we hit 29 still single.
    Made for t.v movie?? Prob not.

    great post.

    xoxo Love Addict

  3. Katie Garrity - North Central College says:
    Fri, 11th May 201212:08 am 

    Alex, have you been stalking my life? Such a true and real talk post!

  4. Emma - Minnesota says:
    Fri, 11th May 20123:59 am 

    Ugh, so close to home!

  5. Lisa says:
    Fri, 11th May 20129:16 am 

    I have nothing but guy friends, and I have nothing but guy friends. They are the best ever. It's them I sing the most dirty songs with. I respect the boys night out, but they are the ones I drink beer with, have hangover with, watch movies and eat pizza with.
    I have always been more comfortable around boys. I went to high school with 5 girls, rest of my class were boys, and now I'm in a college where I live in a dorm/house with 15 boys and 3 girls (one of them hardly there).
    But I really have the problem, that I am always awkward around girls, and boys always consider me one of the guys.

  6. Carly says:
    Sat, 12th May 20122:17 pm 

    Agreed, I definitely have guy friends where there are mutual "i would never have sex with you" feelings. I hate that everything says one of the friends has to like each other, you can enjoy being around someone and never want to have sex with them!

  7. Kate says:
    Wed, 16th May 20122:36 pm 

    I don't think it's possible unless you don't find the other person attractive. The only guy friends I've ever had are ones that I have found awkward and unattractive (but fun!). Now that I'm older, I would say all of my guy friends are work friends or my (female) friends' boyfriends (whom I don't even look at in terms of attractiveness).

  8. shoenice says:
    Wed, 16th May 20122:36 pm 

    I wanna work for shoe nice

  9. Ranee says:
    Thu, 17th May 20125:22 pm 

    I have male friends but none of them I have dated prior or slept with. I can be friends with a guy if I don't have any attraction for him other than a friend. One of my male friends just met a woman so I saty away. I never call him or text him.

  10. Ayesha says:
    Sun, 20th May 20122:16 am 

    But at the end of the day, you flirt with other guys at the bar, he dates some girl he met on the subway, and it all works out.

  11. farhanae says:
    Mon, 21st May 20126:46 am 

    While I completely agree there, I do understand why girls and guys can never be "best" friends. Being friends and being the kind of ride-or-die friends is 2 different matters. I have tons of guy friends and it's cool too, only platonic, no crazyness. But the sexual tension arises when guy friends become closer than jus guy friends, they start becoming the ppl you hang one on one with late at night and stuff like that. That kinda ish you have to keep at arm's length or else FEELINGS start developing. So this notion of girls and guys cannot be friends is BS I feel like. They can be friends but with boundaries, just not too close to where the lines of friendship gets blurred.

  12. Sam - Emory University says:
    Wed, 23rd May 201212:01 pm 

    You pretty much hit the nail on the head with this one! No matter how hard you try, let's be real, SOMEONE has to have some sort of feelings for the other one. Realistically, (and sorta sadly) how much time would a guy really invest in you if there wasn't SOMETHING there?

  13. Bethany says:
    Sun, 27th May 20125:35 pm 

    totally disagree!

    I am happily married, and my best friend is a dude. I actually casually dated both of them at the same time, and eventually we made a choice, all together! and i dont regret anything, i dont want to sleep with my bestfriend and he has a wonderful girlfriend of his own!

  14. ParadigmShift35 says:
    Mon, 28th May 201211:29 pm 

    This can all be explained using "Ladder Theory"

  15. stephanie says:
    Wed, 13th Jun 20127:11 pm 

    I met my best friend about a year ago and at first I had no feelings for him. We would hang out a lot and we would tease each other and just talk and be with each other. but after 4 months, he was leaving for a month. He is from Guatemala and was going to visit his family and friends for the winter break. I knew i would miss him but did not realize how much i would miss him. the next day when i woke up and couldnt call him to see if he would save me a seat in the cafeteria for breakfast (we met at university and we have similar class schedules) I missed him, and then saturday when he didnt come over for the normal "family dinner" at my apartment, i felt very lonely even though i had 5 other friends with me. we talked online and skyped a few times but i was still missing him. I attributed it to just being his friend and that it was normal to miss people you are really close to. then one day i was on facebook and realised he had changed his relationship status. to in a relationship with one of his best female friends from when he was in highschool and living in Guate. So i liked the status change and walked home in tears. not knowing why i was so upset about it. about a half hour later i get a message saying that it was a joke. Latin america celbrates a day similar to our april fools on december 27 or 28th called dia de los inocentes. and that it was a prank. And thats when i stopped and thought about it. I didnt just miss him. I loved him. in more than a platonic way. And that has been where i have stood since december. Afraid to admit how i feel because I am so afraid of losing him, and hating it. but loving the moments that we have together that make me believe, if only for a moment, that one day we could have a relationship.

  16. Jordan says:
    Mon, 18th Jun 201212:01 am 

    I disagree. I have a close friend that is a guy. I've known him since the 3rd grade and although we weren't always close, we've become closer in college. We call each other for relationship advice mainly and it's good to have the opposite sex weigh in on your scenario. I have nothing but platonic feelings for him and I know he feels the same for me.

    Maybe it's just a proximity thing. We certainly don't sleep in the same bed with each other on a normal basis, we don't go to schools that are very close to each other (4 hrs difference) and we don't share every intimate detail to every situation. I don't know. It works for us and I'm sure it would work for others too.

  17. Anne says:
    Tue, 19th Jun 20122:27 pm 

    I totally think girls and guys ca be just friends, no one is join have feelings for everyone

  18. lorianne says:
    Fri, 6th Jul 20129:47 pm 

    Yes, yes, yes! This article is completely spot-on. Having just gone through a similar experience myself, I can attest that men and women can't be just friends.

  19. Kishona says:
    Sun, 14th Oct 20124:51 pm 

    NO! They cannot be friends. My boyfriend is so called “bestfriends” with this chick. They were cool before me and first meeting him i always felt REALLY uncomftable at how close they were. He told me they had kissed once n it never went any further than that and that by age 25 if neither of them has a significant other and no kids they would have a child together. Imagine being the new chick that likes you and hearing that! Hurt! So time goes on and i grew terribly uncomftable. They would sit up on one another n whisper in each others ear n just bluntly disrespect me. He wanted to get serious with me and me seeing through all the BS i had to protect myself so i said no because the of the so called bestfriend and he had just got out of a relationship of three years. I didn’t want to be a rebound. The uncomftable interactions continued and i decided to give him a try. Told him i was ready and he says he wasn’t now. So i gave him ALOT of time n He didn’t budge.I was hearing that he was messing with the bestie still n another bestfriend (female too) of his. I got sick of waiting n broke it off. Big mistake. I was in love with him then but was just sick n tired of getting played. So hooked up with another guy n he cheated. Ended up back with the previous guy. And we’ve been together since. BUT…the bestfriend n him had sex while we weren’t together. He lied n said he didn’t. Had to find out from a cousin of his. Got over that n thought things were fine. Til i found pictures of this skinny ugly chick that is friends with his brothers wife. Naked pics n pics of her posing in skimpy crap. I WAS SO F’N pissed that he decided to keep these pics. Got over that n ended up finding a text from him to the bestie that said. “Come over here early so i can f you hard.” Her response “i know i know sex in the mourning sex in the mourning!” he says it was a set up because he knew i was gonna go through his phone. I feel like they slept together! He felt no remorse for it and she neva appologized so i did the same to him…except for i really didn’t sleep with the dude! I just wanted him to know how i felt. He flipped out. He knew how i felt! BUT…it didn’t stop there! I walked up on him pinching her nipple! He says he was SO called trying to get her to take a pill because she said she had a headache. Then i find text where she’s saying we argue so much because of the was we feel about each other right? She wud tell him i love you n i love you more than words can express. He would go places with her. Take her to his cousin n grandmothers house.Get off work n hang out with this girl til three n four am leaving me home with the kids. Left me n the kids one Christmas to hang out with her family. I’ve NEVA cried over a man this much in my entire life. I found her at his house him n her alone twice while his parents were on vacation. Had been calling him since 8pm that evening til two the next mourning. He says he had drank so much til he passed out. At eight in the afternoon? THAT WAS BS. IMy cousin had asked to use his phone n she found a picture (later on found out it was a video) of a chicks hand wrapped around his manhood. BUT it was just a coincidence that the girl had the same skin tone. The same color, length, answer nail style That i seen the bestfriend with two days prior. Didn’t know it was a video n he deleted it FAST. Last thing…..i didn’t have to work one mourning so went back home. Her car is sitting across from my house. I go into my bedroom n she’s on one side of the bed n her head looks like she just getting outta bed. His boxers are in front of my closet door n not on the side of the bed he sleep on as usually. He’s butt a** naked. …NOW YOU TELL ME WAT YOU THINK? EXACTLY……GIRLS N GUYS CANNOT BE FRIENDS!!!!!!

  20. Pip says:
    Wed, 17th Oct 20125:36 pm 

    I have a male best friend. We've known each other for 7 years now. The way we describe it to people is that "we're so far in each other's friendzones that we don't want to get out". Neither of us is sexually attracted to each other at all. I really am "one of the guys" when I hang out with him, and it's great.

  21. stephanie says:
    Wed, 28th Nov 20124:06 am 

    I agree with what a lot of you say. In my case, I have 2 best guy friends, well I had :/ one of them had been my best friend for almost 12 yrs. We lived close to each other then I moved away. He still went out of his way to visit me. He was thoughtful, sweet, nice, played the electric guitar for me and wrote letters. A couple of weeks ago all of that went away because of feelings and stuff. Now he says he doesn’t want to see me anymore or talk to me ever again. The other guy ive know for about 3 yrs. We had our fling lol but like you said, it kinda brought us closer. We slept in the same bed and enjoy watching movies together while we drink. Awesome friendship and he never forgets to say I love you. I have feelings for him but rather not say anything.

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