True Life: I Hate Kids

This morning I walked into work, fast food and Starbucks in hand, severely hung-over only to see my boss and her brand new baby girl visiting from maternity leave. The entire office cooed at the baby asking to hold her and I stood there frozen, silently begging that she wouldn’t ask me if I wanted to hold her child…namely because, I can’t stand children

I hate that I can’t control them, which is hypocritical because I used to be one, but every time I see one I just think of how messy and sticky they are. Blame it on being locked out of the house by a five-year-old terror whilst babysitting back in the day, but the thought of being around children makes me shudder. I can’t interact with them. I am either too mature or too “coddling”, and they never, ever, ever do what I say. Not to mention their annoying, from toddlers to teenie-boppers, I can find a trait with every single one that literally makes the short fuse to the ticking time bomb that is my anger ignite.

My maternal instincts are crap too. Half the kids I graduated with are having babies and proudly displaying them all over Facebook. While I’m ecstatic that my peers are so excited that they went through the miracle of childbirth, I can’t help but think how much of a burden that child would be. I just KNOW I would resent it for holding my back from a few of my more lofty dreams. I know that’s wrong, it’s not the baby’s fault – but the thought of birthing children – or even spending 9 months with a bun in the oven all fat, and uncomfortable keeps me awake at night.

Maybe it’s because I’m still a kid myself, but children infuriate me. I can’t relate to them and they are frustrating. Maybe we both like Justin Bieber, but a relationship based on squealing over a boy three years younger than me just really isn’t my cup of tea. I can only feign excitement over Selena Gomez or play pretend with Barbie Dolls for so long before I am dying of boredom. Maybe I’m cynical. Maybe I’m completely void of imagination, maybe I’m just a bitch – but I really cannot stand your kid and please keep them in line when you are in public. I don’t really like their Dora the Explorer backpack, it’s not interesting, and my forced “cool!” doesn’t sound any more believable to them than it does to you.

Molly is a senior Journalism/English/Broadcasting major at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. She’s not very good at small talk and English Bulldogs are her only vice. Follow her @gwacamolly on twitter or on Tumblr.

[Lead image via Stefan Glebowski/Shutterstock]

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  1. emily1116 says:

    Whenever people tell me they hate kids, I tell them it's really the parents that they hate. Children have almost no real concept of the world except for what their parents have given them, so when they misbehave or don't follow directions, it's because their parents haven't set boundaries for them. If parents did their jobs right, children would be much more pleasant to be around! Also, not many people I know actually like babies. Theyre not cute and smell bad.
    Also, I'm having a hard time understanding how you got to be a writer when you obviously are incapable of differentiating between their, there, and they're?

    1. Molly - UNL says:

      I am capable of differentiating between there, their, and they're – and noticed that mistake as well when I was rereading it after it got posted, unfortunately I can't edit it. People make mistakes, please don't insult my intelligence – the editors didn't catch it either.

    2. Mary says:

      That was pretty rude Emily. Well, I guess I was being rude calling you rude. Maybe there was a better way to point out the mistakes.

      I get what the author is saying, and Melanie made the best point. It isn't the way kids behave that makes me uncomfortable, it is kids general. Personally, I have changed my view for what ever reason but when I was 15 I HATED being around children. And they could be awesome, smart funny kids and I just couldn't stand them anyway. And babies, oh my gosh. Just because I have a vagina does not mean I want to hold your baby. It is smelly and sticky and I am afraid I'll drop it- please stop assuming all women love babies!

    3. breathehiphop says:

      Just an FYI, Emily, children misbehaving doesn't always have to do with how their parents raised them. People often have high expectations of children and don't understand that kids may not fully comprehend social etiquette and norms like adults do. Kids misbehave because they are KIDS! Coming from someone who absolutely loves and relates to children, babies are supposed to smell bad. I'm sure your sh** doesn't smell like flowers, either. If every parent paid attention to every minuscule "wrong" thing their child did, nobody would be having children. As a parent, you learn not to let the minor details get to you. I'm not a parent yet, but I plan on being one in the future.

      By the way, people make mistakes. Judging by the way you describe babies as being robots who are not cute and smell bad, it's easy to see where your unrealistic expectations of judging others comes from.

  2. Melanie says:

    I hate children, too. For all these same reasons. And i would argue that not liking children has not as much to do with the actual children or parents as it does the individual. I personal can't even stand well-behaved children. They can be polite and mature, and I still will find myself annoyed, and probably disgusted, too.

  3. Sherbet and Sparkles says:

    I completely agree with you. I live in a city and don't come across kids very often since it's mainly workers here, but when I go for, say, Sunday brunch and there are kids running about, I want them to go away and leave me in peace!

    Like you, I think it's because kids can't be controlled. I was watching two little boys running after swans yesterday thinking what little monsters they are, and secretly hoping that the swans would just bite them so they would learn to not be douches to animals. They didn't. Sad face.

  4. Lisa says:

    I am scared of Kids. And Crazy moms!
    But I can enjoy their happiness.. Parents are so happy, I just don't need to hold your child. Probably I will by accident break it.

  5. Jackie M. says:

    Thank you for posting this! I'm just 19 but there's a never ending stream of other peoples baby pictures on my Facebook, I get invited to baby birthday parties and don't know what to do because 1.) I like kids for all the reasons you listed above and 2.) I don't want to have a baby until I'm 25. I live in a military town so I honestly cant go more then a few days without hearing about someone who's expecting.
    I always feel so alone my group of friends gushes over a baby at a restaurant or at the beach and I'm there thinking "whats the big deal?"
    Dont even get me started on when people take babies or toddlers to movies or restaurants.
    ANYWAYS, great job! I cant totally relate!

  6. Kimmie says:

    Hm, I always thought kids were human beings too.

  7. karol says:

    You're a horrible, horrible person.

    1. Cynthia says:


  8. Nah Cho says:

    It’s not that I necessarily hate kids, but I do share your sentiment on not wanting any.

    And I don’t think you’re a horrible, horrible person. This is your opinion for whatever reason and it can’t really be helped. As long as you don’t go around shooting kids in the head with a bb gun, you are like anyone else out there: not a horrible, horrible person.

  9. Glamour_23 says:

    Reading this made me feel sad for you. Your haltred of children is causing you to feel all kinds of negative emotions, which prevent you from enjoying life as much as you could. You seem to be a bit of a control freak, which is probably why you put so much emphasis on controling children. If and when you learn to let go of things (other than cleaning your place) these negative emotions will probably dampen.

    I admit that I don't like screaming children any more than you do, however, while I can't control children, I can control my perception of the situation and rationalize.

    As for the spelling mistakes, they are making it hard to understand your text for a person whose first language is not english. Although everybody makes mistakes, writting on this website is your job… maybe you could re-read before posting and avoid being hungover when you have to work???

    1. Molly - UNL says:

      I'm hardly a control freak, and if you could see my room right now you would find the cleanliness comment laughable. I haven't seen the floor of my room since March. I'm not saying that children are the devil, I'm just saying I'd rather not be around them or especially HAVE them. My main argument is that any interaction I have with them is so fake and forced that it just not really exciting or fun. I've never been the type to play pretend with a child and fully delve into it. When I was a kid myself, I was great at it, but now that I'm an adult…meh.

      Also, my job on campus and writing for this blog are not the same. I was not hungover when I wrote this piece. As far as I can tell there are no spelling mistakes besides the their/they're/there debacle.

  10. thefunkyjunkie says:

    Hahah I am exactly the same way. I hate hate hate when people at work bring their children in because I feel so awkward and have no idea how to react! Everyone else seems to know exactly what to say to a little kid to make them smile-y and bashful but I just say "hello….." and get a blank stare haha. Working with young mothers and hearing their stories is the best birth control there is!

  11. marie says:

    I totally ( to some extent) identify with you! I have a few friends on facebook who flood my newsfeed with pictures of their baby, my sister does it too. I have never been one to play with dolls, or gush over how cute babies are. Sometimes I fear that there is something wrong with my “lack of maternal instinct”, but then again, I am only 19. To me, babies are messy, loud, and annoying 80% of the time, and I am just not enamoured enough by them to not care. Someday I will probably think they are cute, but just not now.

  12. Amy says:

    THANK YOU for writing this. While I may not detest them, I freeze up around babies and want nothing to do with them. A friend had me hold her baby this past weekend, and as soon as the face went sour (a mere 60 seconds after it was in my arms) I handed it off to another friend. No interested in having one for my own and I take pride in the fact that I have made that choice selfishly. There is nothing worse than a person who does not actually like children and has no interest in giving up their life for one HAVING a baby. It's ok to feel this way, and no matter how many people tell me "when you meet the right person, you will change your mind and want to have a baby with him," I will not back down from the choice I am making today. It's possible to change my mind one day and want to care for another human being, but at this point, it would be the worst decision ever. Again, thank you for being brave enough to be so open and up front about how you feel! This is why I LOVE this website!

  13. Vandermark smith says:

    For what reason that teenager are hating Kids.

  14. Melissa says:

    LOVE this post. I feel the exact same way about children and never want to have them. I also hate how everyone constantly tries to convince you that eventually you will have children or that you should like children. Why do we have to like kids just because we are women? Also giving birth keeps me up at night too. I can’t stand the thought of it or having a child to burden me for the rest of my life. Sure I appreciate all of the great moms who enjoy their job, but it’s simply not for me. Excellent job.

  15. kitty says:

    some people hate cats, others hate dogs I hate children in the same way.

  16. Whatevs says:

    I can't stand kids either. For the same reasons you list, I never want any. And that's exactly how I react when I see someone with a baby in the vicinity: Oh, please, don't ask me to hold it.

  17. Cynthia says:

    People who hate kids are awful awful people., I hate them for all my heart. I was bullied by a bunch of kids hater when I was a little girl. And since that day I started to hate them SO MUCH,

  18. Lottelenya says:

    I was with you for the first few paragraphs and I HAVE kids. But you lost me in the last one. And you're a journalism major? Maybe keep pointless and rambling pieces like this in your diary.

  19. abe says:

    I agree, thoughtless rants on friviolous trivial matters, should be left in a diary. Fix your grammatical errors please I hate that more then children, at least with a child you know their frontal lobe is not fully developed, well apparently yours is still in the early stages.

    1. Than*

      You hate that more THAN children. Those with glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

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