Why’d He Ask To Get Serious And Then Disappear? [Ask A Dude]
So I’ve been hooking up with this guy for about two months. After about a month and a half he confronted me at a party that he needed more out of the relationship and wanted to “get to know me better.” For the next week things were great. Fast forward one week and I don’t hear from him at all. I text him a few times and don’t hear back. I asked him to talk and when he called me he got very defensive. He said that he was not a guy that will text me or call me during the week and then he couldn’t be in any sort of relationship. I then reminded him that I was not looking for a relationship and that he was the one who initiated the original conversation. He’s out of town for the next two weeks and we left it that we would see each other when he gets back. How can I salvage the hooking up part of the relationship without seeming like I want a relationship (because I don’t)? And why would he contradict himself like that?
-Confused College Girl
Dear Confused College Girl,
I’m almost as confused as you. He begs for things to get more serious and then seemingly bows out? Douchey. Not going to sugar coat it.
Guys can be total tools sometimes. Alright, a lot of times. This is a case where he’s saying one thing and doing another. Or as we like to call it, being an immature and irresponsible human being. Why is he being an immature and irresponsible human being who deserves a Sarah Walker asskicking?
There are some guys who say they want more but don’t actually have a grasp of what “more” means. They think it’s a label and an exclusive contract on you whenever they want. It’s almost more about convenience and assurance than an actual emotional commitment, or a trial period for an emotional commitment. Then there’s the school of thought that a relationship consists of rules and obligations that suddenly squeeze out all the spontaneity and dulls your sex life dramatically (which happens if you think it’ll happen, otherwise known as The Secret). And then there are those who just think “more” means “marriage”. This guy definitely isn’t coming off like a member of the latter category.
He could be scared or he could just not have a clue. My vote’s that he’s clueless. Treat him as such. He has no idea what he actually asked for involves the two of you coming together and making an effort, changes the circumstances of your relationship, and implies certain commitments you determine to make to one another. He thinks a week is enough and then he’ll be on his schedule until you fit back into his. Or he’s just NOT THINKING. Either way, when you see him next you’ve got to set the record straight about what you want.
There’s no going back to the way it was. It’s going to be something new from here on out, one way or the other. You’ve now seen and experienced this side of him. Don’t ignore it and don’t dismiss it. Keep this in mind from now on whenever you deal with him. Because if you want to just hook up, then you make it clear that that’s all there’s going to be.
Just don’t expect his answers to make sense and you’ll give yourself less grief.
The Incredible Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]