Why Does Sex Ruin The Friendship? [Ask A Dude]
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
So I recently hooked up with one of my best guy friends. I was ridiculously drunk, and he was leaning towards being sober from what I heard. We talked about it and agreed it was a case of drunken horniness. We even joked about it! It’s been made clear that I am his best friend. He tells me everything, even very private things. Problem: we hooked up again, although this time we were both pretty much sober…. he called me his ex’s name and I did the same to him! We tried to brush it off again, joking again, making it clear that there are no romantic feelings on both sides. What bothers me now is that he treats me differently. We are no longer as close as we were, and he is very cold to me. What did I do wrong/what’s the problem?? And what can I do to make it right??
Friendless and Pantiless
Dear Friendless and Pantiless,
You’re friends? You’re FRIENDS? You’re not just friends. Once you engage in the horizontal mating dance (or vertical if you’ve got the balance) you’re no longer JUST friends. You’re FWB. And if you’re FWB who didn’t necessarily mean to be, then you’re flirting with reverting to becoming even less than friends.
Hook up once? Blame it on the booze. Hook up twice? Blame it on the moods. But call out the names of your exes in the throws? A third time may never cum.
If you two did anything wrong, it was done by both of you. This isn’t a situation where you can claim the blame for his cold shoulder. That’s his choice. But let’s face it: you’re in an awkward spot! You both tried something and, for better or worse, it changed the nature of what you were: strictly friends. Does this always happen to every pair of pals that part with their pants and panties? No. But this is what happened in your case. And now you either reach out or hold back. Them’s two of the main options you’ve got.
One time is one time. Two times? Well, it’s more than one time, ain’t it? When you blur the lines, you got to redefine where the lines are. It’s all about communication. If you pretend it didn’t happen or minimize it then that’s a statement. What’s the statement? It could be trying to preserve the friendship, it could be staving off possible weirdness, or it could be an attempt to deny delving deeper with something that’s developing. You’ve got to determine which it is for you. But right now, he sounds like he’s a bit freaked out by what happened and doesn’t know how to deal so he’s distancing. Which is a legit action, except that he’s not communicating to you that that is what he needs. Or he’s just trying to pull away, because it got weird calling each other your exes names! But he’s not telling you, so you don’t know…OR he’s a bit freaked that this could lead to something he’s not ready for…but same issue: he ain’t communicatin’!
So if he won’t communicate, that means you’ve got to step up, if you want to step up. If you feel like this is something you don’t want to fester and build into something bigger, then grab it before it gets too far gone from you. Call him up or call him out and say: “This happened. Then this happened. I kind of get the first thing, but I’m not understanding why the second thing. What’s going on and how we can move past it together?” But in your own words and with more specificity.
Or you could let it play out and be passive instead of proactive. Choice is yours. But choose soon and choose wisely, because the longer you let it ride, the harder it’ll be to get back on the track you want to be on.