What a Real Craigslist Man Wants for Father’s Day…

By Alexandra Gehringer

Working on the internet is usually pretty awesome. We see countless pictures of baby animals, funny videos of people getting hurt, endless memes…but perhaps the best discoveries we make are the ones we kind of regret finding. Take for example this man’s Father’s Day wishlist.

He posted the following to Craigslist on the off chance his wife would see, and maybe she did…because thousands of other people sure as heck saw it. Now, be warned — it’s not exactly appropriate for the workplace, so we’ve taken the liberty of editing it. Girls, if you’re wondering what your (future?) baby daddies really want this year, behold:

Dearest Wife, this is what I want for Fathers Day.

Every year you ask what I want for Father’s Day with the kids (conveniently?) sitting right in front of us, and every year I provide G-rated suggestions because (call me a prude) its sorta not appropriate to ask for sexual favors in front of the kids. So in the off chance you’re reading the rants or looking for a poolboy, even though we don’t have a pool, here’s what I really want:

I want to wake up to you sucking my [unicorn]. Defined, this means that I’m asleep and you go down on me while I’m asleep, not after 45 minutes of me pretending to be asleep and dreaming of winning the [chocolate chip cookie] lottery. Please skip the requisite if-I-have-to sigh and eye rolling for one day.

I want a breakfast including eggs, bacon, and fresh fruit. No carb-packed wheat-byproducts, nothing frozen, nothing out of a box, and especially nothing in individually wrapped servings.

I want to have a fun day doing anything except what is on the honey-do list. Anything on the do-honey list is perfectly OK.

Examples:
Giving me grief while watching Nascar Sunday is not a good idea.
Giving me [hugs] while watching Nascar Sunday is a great idea.
Asking me to dig some holes in the backyard is not a good idea.
Asking me to plug your [milkshake] in your backdoor is a great idea.
Taking the kids out for a while and letting me nap would be nice.
Taking my [giraffe] out and sucking it after my nap would be nicer.

For dinner, I want a slab of red meat. Fresh, premium, not shrink wrapped. BBQ’d, not nuked or broiled. Rare. So rare a good veterinarian can revive it. A tall, cold beer. And fresh vegetables on the side, although it’s unlikely I’ll eat them, so I don’t know why I bothered mentioning them.

After the kiddies are asleep, I want sex. Uninhibited, sweaty, porn star sex. Gone for the night is the bored housewife in boring clothes reading a boring book, I am going to be the dominant male and you to be my submissive anything-to-please-daddy [ummm...].

I want you wearing something erotic. Defined, ‘erotic’ includes leather, lace, high heels, crotchless, racy, etc. ‘Erotic’ probably includes that thing you bought for Valentines Day two years ago that never made it out of the drawer. ‘Erotic’ does not include baggy jammies, grandma underwear, furry slippers, sweatpants, sweatshirts, sweatsocks, or the asexual garments you wear the other 364 days.

I want my [bicycle] sucked again, deep throated, like you can’t get enough, and when I [play baseball?], I want you to savor it like it’s Godiva white chocolate. Don’t give me that ‘it tastes funny’ crap; lick it up and suck it up and smile all the way.

I want you [value] me like its the last [jungle gym] you’ll be getting for a while. Acceptable positions are on your knees, on top, doggie style, bent over, hanging from the ceiling, pretty much anything except missionary on the bed. Slap your [pony], rub your [zebra], pinch your [turtle], talk dirty, [laugh at] me often, and most importantly, [oh my] your [god]. [Is this] your [real?] until its ready for my [stop!], then beg for my [gross] up your [gross] and [gross] it like you did with your [gross].

[Omitted paragraph]

Because Dear Wife, it’s Father’s Day, my day, and that’s what I really want.

Unedited version here…if you dare.

[Lead image via Goodluz/Shutterstock]