Is He Going To Dump Me For His Ex…Again? [Ask A Dude]
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
So I met this guy over spring break, had an amazing week getting to know each other and really connected. But, he had a girlfriend. After we got back we continued to talk and in a few days he broke up with her. Clearly our feelings for each other were mutual, but then another few days passed, and he decided he’d made a mistake and he wanted to get back together with her.
After this we tried being friends, but that didn’t work. Our chemistry is insane, and we just couldn’t keep from flirting. He broke up with her a second time, and for the past three weeks we’ve been seeing each other. Things have been great, until the other day when he saw his ex. It was the first time they’d seen each other, and they talked and agreed to try to be friends. He was honest with me about seeing her, but it wasn’t until last night that he told me he wasn’t completely over her.
I asked a few questions, and he admitted he regretted breaking up with her, but he also knew he couldn’t get back together with her (and he wasn’t trying to). When I asked if he could, would he, he said he wasn’t sure. But reassured me he did have feelings for me. To complicate things, he is graduating and moving back home in about two weeks. Neither of us want long distance, or to start something serious under those circumstances. Which he said would potentially be different if he wasn’t leaving, and I feel the same. How do I approach the situation now? Neither of us want a serious relationship, but I don’t want to be with him right now if he wishes I were her.
Dear Spring Fling,
WOW! This is a riddle wrapped in an enigma packaged by a Sphinx. And yet the answer’s actually pretty plain: He wants you both, but he can’t have you both, but he’s probably ruined having anything serious with both of you.
Unfortunately, and I understand this isn’t necessarily the case with you but bear with me, most people aren’t built to only be attracted to one person at a time. Even in committed relationships, one partner or the other, sometimes both simultaneously, develop little crushes on other people. Doesn’t mean they act on them, some do and most don’t, and for some it’s allowed (love to the polys), but nonetheless it happens. What you’ve got here is a whole other kind of complex equation: an (e)X factor to the nth degree.
The big question I put to you is this: What are you willing to put up with? Okay, a second question: How much do you like him? Because really we’re talking about severity here. This isn’t going to last long-term according to what you’re telling me you’ve both decided. He’s leaving soon, and that takes care of all that. So until he leaves, can you put up with the doubts for the benefits? If you can, you can make it last short-term. Sounds like you don’t want to have to. And that’s what I’d advise.
You’re in a situation with a guy who’s got feelings for someone else. And props for admitting it to you. He’s also got a track record for hopping back and forth between girls he likes, a history you’ve been a part of. It’s tough to put trust in him with all that baggage. It’s asking a lot, IMO. Could you handle it if tomorrow he says, “Turns out I do want to try and get back with her?”
Chemistry’s dangerous. It can cause potency, but if used recklessly, can also poison. Especially in a situation where he’s willing to switch formulas, forgive the metaphor, whenever he feels a strong enough urge. That’s what bothers me about your dilemma. Up to this point it sounds like he’s the one with the power, and you’re at the mercy of his decisions. That’s not fair to you.
You have to exert your rights in this situation. You have to make it clear what you’re willing to forgive or not forgive, lay some ground rules, and make it clear that you’re not an ice cream flavor that can be his favorite one day and his second choice the next. You’ve got power in all of this…sounds a bit like a relationship though, doesn’t it?
A boy in his blue box,