Kate Upton Lost Her Top: What I Learned From This Month’s GQ

By Tiffany

This month GQ reminded me that they ARE a men’s magazine. When I walked up to the newsstand, the first thing I noticed was Kate Upton’s boobs face and the popsicle she had suggestively placed next to her mouth. Personally, I have nothing against the girl, because she’s obviously trying to hustle and pay her bills with her umm, talents. But I’ve seen GQ’s other sexy lady covers, and I prefer the Jennifer Aniston January 2009 cover where she only has a tie and a smile on. Somehow, that cover still seems more girl next door and wholesome than this one. Despite not being in love with the cover image, I actually liked the cover story accompanying it. Instead of those pieces in women’s magazine that try to convince the reader to love the beautiful model/actress/singer/dancer/model, GQ took a more tongue-in-cheek approach to Ms. Upton’s success by giving a how-to-guide to becoming an Internet and model sensation. The rules to becoming a bombshell are surprisingly simple:

GQ Says: “Turn on camera. Any camera. Shake body. Repeat.”

Tiffany Says: I would suggest having a bit of rhythm. You run the risk of looking like you’re having a seizure if not.

GQ Says: “Never bury the lead.”

Tiffany Says: Basically, this rule means that you shouldn’t take the Kim Kardashian approach to explaining why you’re famous with some long winded BS like answer. Instead, Kate Upton proceeded  to tell a story about how her bathing suit fell off at a shoot. She knows what she’s famous for, and she’s not ashamed. Kudos to her.

GQ Says: “Create faux controversies…”

Tiffany Says: Kate Upton created faux controversies by being too sexy in her television ads for Carl’s Jr. and doing the “Cat Daddy” in a bikini. She’s basically a hyper-sexualized version of herself, but since we aren’t all dripping in sex, just become a hyper version of yourself until people talk about you. Zoey Deschanel is a good example of this, seeing how she took the quirky girl to a whole other level. I mean, the girl’s bangs have multiple articles dedicated to them.

After learning how to follow in Kate Upton’s path, the rest of the issue kept me equally entertained with the “50 Things America Does Better Than Anyone Anywhere Else.” My personal faves included making Canadians famous (Drake, Justin Beiber, Ryan Gosling…), Kim Kardashian’s booty, “getting mad as hell articulately,” and “badass prepsters.” Like reading every other issue of GQ, I realize how naive I am. Did you know that there is a restaurant in New York where weed is included as a main ingredient in every dish? Well, there is, and menu items include parsley cake with weed butter, weed pizza, and weed cocktails. I’m not sure if that’s a restaurant I would frequent, since I’d probably end up eating twice as much as I usually would. How are customers would never be satisfied ever satisfied?

The best thing about this America themed issue would have to be Nick Offerman. Nick Offerman plays Ron Swanson on Parks & Rec, and he’s probably in my top 5 favorite Americans. Offerman contributed this gem of an article, “Nick Offerman’s Proud List of the 25 Most American Things You Can Do Today That You Can’t Do in Socialist Europe Or Some Other Backwater.” The title alone had me cracking up.  Most of the list included carrying a firearm to various places, but another favorite has to be “become obese, then immobile, and get famous for it.” I don’t think that happens anywhere but the US, so go America!

One more thing: The next big slang word should be “slick.” Just put it in front of anything to emphasize your meaning. Example: The July issue of GQ was slick entertaining!