Is Distance a Deal Breaker? [Confessions of a Twenty-Something]

July 18, 2012 2:49 pm     Posted in Post-Grad, Reality, Relationships  Katie G. - North Central College g+ page


By Katie G.

Howdy ya’ll! If you’re wondering where that friendly southern greeting came from, I just got back from Nashville, Tennessee! Four of my girlfriends and I packed our bags and drove south for the weekend. I would recommend a road trip with your best friends to any twenty-something. You guys all have to check that off your bucket list! There is nothing better than laughing and talking the whole way to a great city with people you truly love.

Now, I could bore you with how amazing Nashville is, but I don’t even think my words or descriptions could do the city justice. The people, the scenery, the music—the whole city just pulls you in like a magnetic force, and you have absolutely no choice but to fall madly in love. Speaking of, I should probably confess that I had some ulterior motives for this trip other than “roadtripping” with my friends, and that reason is a guy.

There’s always a guy, isn’t there?

I took my first trip to Nashville about a year and a half ago and met someone who has remained quite special to me. Our relationship has never been specifically defined, because we’ve been wary of the distance, but we are both well aware of how much we care for one another. Before this weekend, it had been five months since I’d last seen my manfriend. (Side note: I have decided to use “manfriend” instead of his real name to spare him embarrassment of being written about on a public website. You better appreciate that, Manfriend.)

A big reason why I wanted to take this trip was because I felt it was time to figure out just how I felt and what we should do about “our relationship.” After spending the weekend together and coming back home (which is 485.9 miles away from his but who’s counting?), I have learned many things, but one stands out the most:

Long distance relationships are the worst.

There is really no denying that. I am not saying that they don’t work ever, because I’m sure many of you could prove me wrong if I did claim that (though almost every person I have ever known that was in a LDR is no longer in one, because they suck). I know if you really do work hard, make a firm commitment to your partner, and love each other enough, the distance is just another little mountain to climb and not a deal breaker for the relationship. But I have to believe that it’s different for every couple. Some have what it takes; some don’t.

After spending such a wonderful weekend with my manfriend whom I love and is wonderful in more ways than I can explain, the car ride back was 20 different kinds of sadness and misery (plus I was hungover, so make that 21 kinds of sadness and misery). I got a little taste of the good stuff just to have it ripped away right when I got comfortable and secure with where we stood as an “us.” I could see myself there. I could see us actually being a couple, living in the same city.

With 10 hours in a car to wallow in my self-pity, I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what a long distance relationship was like on a daily basis–short weekends with fleeting moments of romance and rushed goodbyes followed by missing your boy/girlfriend so much your heart hurts. I couldn’t help but ask myself what the hell I had gotten myself into.

Is it worth the pangs of loneliness? Or the jealousy that comes from seeing other couples holding hands while you’re waiting on a text or phonecall? Is a “LDR” something worth doing if there is no end in sight to the to the “LD”? Is distance a deal-breaker for me? Is it a deal-breaker for him? Ah to be in your twenties—a time when you have a hundred million questions and zero answers.

As twenty-somethings, all we’re trying to do is figure out who we are and where we belong, and I would be a liar if I said the journey we’re all on is a breezy and straight path to happiness and contentment, especially when it comes to being happy in a relationship. When people come into our lives in the most inconvenient of ways, we have to make a decision as to where they belong (if they belong) in our lives. Though a LDR is daunting and scares the life out of me, this is also the time in life to take risks and be brave. So as a true Nashvillian would say, “Wish me luck, ya’ll!”

Are any of you in LDRs? What do you think it takes to make one work?  Let me know in the comments!

Katie is finishing up her undergrad at North Central College in Naperville, Illinois. She enjoys wasting hours on Facebook and tweeting things no one cares about. When asked the question, “Do you do marathons?” She promptly responds, “Of course! Which show?” Follow her @KatieGarrity! Or read her personal blog where she talks about Ryan Gosling and hummus a lot here! 

18 Comments on "Is Distance a Deal Breaker? [Confessions of a Twenty-Something]"

  1. Islander5 says:
    Wed, 18th Jul 20125:38 pm 

    I think a long distance relationship can totally work, mine has. But, there are certain criteria:

    1. There must be an end date in sight. If there's no realistic chance that you'll ever live within at least an hour of one another within the next five years or so, there's no point.
    2. Trust cannot be an issue. if you're the type of couple that is constantly clinging to each other 24/7, to the point where you know you'll experience jealousy/constant fear of being cheated on every time one of you gets drunk , then an LDR isn't for you. You have to both be mature enough to want to be monogamous despite the distance.
    3. Both partners must see the relationship being long term. This doesn't necessarily mean marriage or being together for eternity, but it does mean you both truly care for one another and envision being in a serious long-term relationship. If one or both of you doesn't feel this way, it won't last. LDRs aren't something you do for the F of it.

    Bottom line, if you love each other enough and you are both committed, distance is only a number of miles. That's why we have skype, email, cell phones, etc. If it doesn't work, it's because you didn't love and/or trust each other enough to make it work.

  2. Natalie M. says:
    Wed, 18th Jul 20127:27 pm 

    My manfriend and I have been doing long-distance for 2 years, 3 months so far, looking at another 2 (most likely) if not 3. We're about 4 hours away, and as we are both Graduate Students (I'm in a duel masters program, he's a med student), there is unfortunately no way that we can see each other every weekend (it's more like every 3 or 4 weekends). It is HARD AS HELL, but since we are committed to making it work, it's worked so far!

    I credit it lasting this long to a few things:
    1) We always have our next trip planned before we leave one trip. I never have days of "OMG when am I going to see him?," even on the way home, because we ALWAYS have our next trip planned.

    2) We have little traditions we do no matter what: we texted first thing in the morning to say hello, we FaceTime every night before bed, and I send him a cheesy card every time we are apart. It sounds so silly to type it out, but it gives us "us time" even when we are really far apart.

    3) We are 100% on the same page, and 100% agree that this LDR thing is a means to an end. If I had any doubts that I wanted to be with him, then I don't think it would work. By ensuring that we are each 100% committed, neither of us worries about the other cheating/straying, and that cuts out about 78% of the stress associated with an LDR.

    I won't pretend like it doesn't suck, but I always pick an LDR with him to a in-town relationship with someone else EVERY DAMN TIME. <3

  3. MacyJane says:
    Wed, 18th Jul 20129:53 pm 

    I'm in South Korea teaching for a year. My manfriend is at home in the US. I am coming back in two months, and I think we survived a year apart because:

    1) We both knew it was only for 1 year. Having a set date for my return gave us something to look forward to, like a light at the end of the tunnel. He also visited a few months ago, which broke up the time apart.

    2) We Skype at least twice a week with e-mails in between. Being able to see one another is awesome, and Skyping helped us remain a part of each other's every day lives. But we never made it obligatory to send emails every single day or Skype every day, because we wanted to make sure there was still some mystery and new things to talk about in each other's daily lives.

    3) We trust each other completely. I know he's the guy for me, and visa versa. We didnt want my leaving for a year to mean we couldn't continue loving each other. We were never half-assing it. I know we have a stronger connection because we were long distance.

  4. Katie Garrity - North Central College says:
    Thu, 19th Jul 201212:46 am 

    I think you're right on! There definitely needs to be some Skyping going on. He's not really into Skyping much, but I try to push it when I can. The only hard thing for me is that there is no light at the end of the tunnel at this point in time which makes it super hard. Eventually, one person will have to move. Thank you for your comment!

  5. Katie Garrity - North Central College says:
    Thu, 19th Jul 201212:47 am 

    This helps me believe it can work! And I love the card idea, thanks!

  6. ReeseUKanna says:
    Thu, 19th Jul 20128:08 am 

    My LDR lasted for three years before he moved to be with me. We always sent each other funny little gifts for holidays and birthdays. Nothing too expensive, because I'm in London and he's in Spain, but it was good to have something tangible to remind us of one another. He used to leave me little notes in hidden places, like my car, for me to find after he'd left. They'd say sweet little things like, "Counting the days until we're together again" and "I'm thinking about you right now",

  7. Will says:
    Thu, 19th Jul 201210:08 am 

    Naked Skype. Naked FaceTime.

  8. Katie Garrity - North Central College says:
    Thu, 19th Jul 20122:05 pm 

    That's so sweet! Three years is a killer. Glad you guys made it!

  9. Katie Garrity - North Central College says:
    Thu, 19th Jul 20122:06 pm 

    I definitely agree with your bottom line. It's about trust and commitment and love.

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  13. Jessica says:
    Mon, 6th Aug 20123:42 am 

    I think there are two distinct types of long distance relationships: relationships that develop long distance and relationships that become long distance through circumstance. The latter seems a whole lot more difficult to me! My Manfriend and I live about eight hours away from each other and began talking to each other through e-mail a few years ago after connecting at a camp where we both volunteer. As the years went by we gradually began texting, g-chatting, talking on the phone, visiting each other for weekends and visiting each other for extended periods of time. Without intending to, we ended up in a relationship!

    To me, developing a relationship across a long distance has been a truly special experience. We both feel as if we were really given the opportunity to get to know the other person gradually and in our own time. As a twenty-something college student, it was amazing to be able to do my own busy thing during the day and know I had an incredible support system just a phone call/text/a few more days away. Now that I've graduated, I am very excited to be moving to the city where he lives in just a few months. Here are a few things that definitely contributed to our successes:

    1. No pressure. At no point do we communicate out of obligation, only out of genuine desire to speak with the other person. We also never pressured each other to label the relationship in the early stages. I think it helped ease the fear of entering an LDR knowing that the other party wasn't pushing for answers.
    2. Communicate in a variety of ways that are personal and unique. think this helped keep things fresh so we didn't fall into a rut.
    3. Always have the next visit planned. While it always sucks when I/he leaves, it's helpful knowing when we'll be seeing each other again so we can start the count down. One of our favorite visits was randomly picking a place halfway between us and spending a weekend there.
    4. Maintain an assured, positive, trusting mind frame. After (and even several months before) we had "the talk" we each have been very confident in the stability of our relationship and the fidelity of the other person. If we are having moments where we're feeling distant or not feeling the love, we tell the other person so we can give each other a little boost.
    5. After establishing the relationship, find an end to the LD.

    I never ever thought I'd be the type of person to commit to a LDR. And despite the crazy amounts of missing him that happen between visits, I think there are some amazing benefits to developing a relationship across a distance if both people are truly committed.

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