Let’s Talk About Sex! Uh, What’s Normal? [Dear DBN]

By Datebynumbers

Sex.  Sex?  Sex!  When should you have it, when shouldn’t you, why haven’t you, why have you, why would she, when will they, how do they… lots of questions!  And seeing as there are this many questions even though we’ve been having it since the dawn of (wo)man, I’m assuming there will be countless questions in the future.  But for now, we’ll just tackle the following:

What’s the least amount of time you’d wait between having sex with two different guys?

Enough time to recover and shower?  Time doesn’t matter.  What matters are the people involved.  Are you having a consensual, safe threesome?  Well, then that’s virtually no time between having sex with two different people.  Have you and Partner 1 discussed that you are not exclusive, but you will be safe whenever you have sex with someone else?  Then go about your business with Partner 2 that afternoon.  Did someone just rip your heart out and break-up with you after three years of lousy sex and you just want to go to the bar and bang (with a condom) the hottest guy see that night?  Go ahead!

People who sets up an arbitrary rules like, “You need to wait at least two months between having sex with people,” set those rules for themselves because that structure gives them comfort, which is fine, so long as they apply those rules only to themselves.  It’s exactly the same as me saying, “I can have ice cream one night a week so long as I run three times.” Uh, no, pretty sure I can have ice cream whenever I want. As long as I don’t put myself into diabetic shock, it really isn’t a big deal.  And neither is sleeping around, so long as you’re being safe, respectful to the people involved, and conscious of your feelings.

Save the judgment for how the sex is, not when it’s had.

Hi. I’m 19 and I have never had sex before, or done anything much outside of making out. I’m not sure how the timeline of relationships works in terms of that. How long do people typically date someone until they decide to have sex? And if you agree to go to a guy’s apartment after a date, does that generally mean that you are indicating that you will have sex with them, or can you just make out and stuff? I’ve just been feeling really insecure about being inexperienced lately.

You date someone until you feel like you’re ready to have sex. This goes for the first and every time after that.  And it’s different for every person and every person that person dates.

Look, if you go back to a guy’s apartment, is he going to hope that means you’re having sex?  Of course he is!  Even if you bend over in a low-cut top, he’s going to hope he gets to have sex with you.  Should all boys be respectful and ask us what we’re comfortable with?  Yes.  Will they?  Not in this decade, so know how far you want to take things and be vocal about that. You CAN just make out and stuff.  Make your boundaries clear.  And do not go to someone’s apartment if you feel in any way threatened, even if it’s just an inkling. If at any point you feel like he’s pressuring you, leave. You are under no obligation to do anything just because you went to his apartment.  You don’t need to make excuses.  You don’t need to justify yourself.  You just say, “I’m not ready for that.”