Testing the “Friends First” Theory, Part I [Diary of the Undateable]

I’ve heard that the best relationships are the ones that start off friendly, no funny business. Friends first, love later. I figured that that’s where things might just end up with Carlos, my Plenty Of Fish boo thang.

We’ve been talking for a month and change now. There wasn’t anything amorous between us – he told me from the beginning that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, and I appreciated his honesty. We got to know each other’s personalities and preferences. I was attracted to his confidence and humor…along with his six-foot frame, high cheekbones and Haitian accent, but I knew that it wouldn’t go past that. And that was okay. He’d text me every single day even if it was just to say hello.

We were becoming closer and closer until he changed everything on a Sunday morning – said he wanted more than my friendship. We met up that same day and shared nothing more than a few laughs and hugs. I still didn’t have the required, undeniable butterflies, even after we met up in person. You know when something’s there. And nothing was there.

After we saw each other for the first time, he stopped talking to me altogether. Wtf? What did I do? It’s a scenario that’s happened plenty of times – the ‘ol disappearing act. My texts went unanswered and my calls were ignored. But instead of complaining to my girls about where he went and why he didn’t take me with him, I confronted him directly. I wanted my answer. Hell, I deserved an answer. After a few weeks of consistent conversation, why did he stop hitting me up?!

“I’m scared of you,” he admitted. “You’re a virgin. I don’t want to pressure you for sex or anything you don’t want to do. I love sex. I know myself and I know that I’ll end up hurting you.”

So since sex wasn’t going to be a part of the equation, Carlos subtracted me altogether. That’s not what friends do!

This is the part where I messed up.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I told y’all that Carlos is attractive. Very. Damn. Attractive. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about him in that way before. When you’re a lonely intern that constantly looks at steamy sex positions and relationship advice, and you’ve got six feet of delicate bone structure and chocolatey goodness that lives in the next borough over, you’re just asking for trouble. Or maybe that’s just me.

My decision about my virginity is ironclad. I do not want to give it up to someone who isn’t my husband, point blank. I’m really trying to do the right thing. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t do anything…right?

Stay tuned for part two next week!

When she’s not watching for Blue Ivy sightings or doing some serious Facebook creeping, Khalea moonlights as a print/online journalism major at the REAL HU, Howard University. Follow her on Twitter at @letsbeKHAlear, or feel free to Twatch. Whatever works for you.

[Lead image via Jason Stitt/Shutterstock]



  1. gina says:

    "I do not want to give it up to someone who isn’t my husband, point blank. I’m really trying to do the right thing."
    I really respect you for making that decision and sticking to it!! I know some people in my group of friends think of me as weird because I have the same philosophy when it comes to sex and relationship, but it's good to know there are other girls at this day and age who WON'T just do it with guys because they're cute or hot or… whatever!
    I want to wait until marriage. That doesn't mean I'll change my mind later on… you never know about these things. But all I know is that so far, I've made the right decisions…. I want a guy to date me because he wants ME, not just my body.

  2. […] more here: Testing the “Friends First” Theory, Part I [Diary of the Undateable] input, textarea{} #authorarea{ padding-left: 8px; margin:10px 0; width: 635px; } #authorarea h3{ […]

  3. Katie says:

    I really like your attitude :)

  4. […] a huge difference between sex and making love,” Carlos explained to me with his heavy Haitian accent. “Sex is just penetration. Making love is for people who care about […]

  5. SAndra Arroyo says:

    WOW, I TOTALLY RESPECT YOUR DECISION TO WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE!! I didn't wait and I wish I had; now my first is over and done with and while I don't regret it, I could have still been happy without it! Now, I don't say I'm waiting for marriage, but I am waiting for somebody special, who makes me feel loved with having to have sex!! I love to read your posts!!! much blessings !! and of course, what's nexT????

  6. […] According to the ladies at Cosmo, a guy is supposed to like you 10 percent more than you like him. I read the story and during my internship, I saw lots of Tweets from readers who wholeheartedly agreed. Apparently it creates this workable balance of emotions. The guy isn’t playing games about the way he feels about you – he just tells you. He’s not taking two hours to respond to one text message – he’s attentive. He might even call. He’s not dragging his feet to visit you – he’s willing to travel just to see you for half an hour. And I have that…well, had it. Everything was going so well. I should’ve been rejoicing! Jack and I could’ve made something work, but I didn’t have the same kind of feelings that he had for me. And I’d hate to lead him on. I couldn’t even reap the benefits of my 10 percenter because of one factor: Carlos. […]

  7. […] nonverbal action. We continue to mess with assholes that we should’ve left alone in…hmm, say…July. But instead of following our instincts, we keep carrying on with hopes that our influence will […]

  8. […] who attach themselves to the first guy that they hook up with. Unfortunately, this was my case with Carlos. I’m still a virgin, but Carlos was my first in many ways…and I didn’t want to let him go […]

  9. […] Carlos, my summertime friend-turned-fling, is bad for me. Everyone knows it. I know it, too. Even though he’s an as*hole, I always come back – he’s just so cool, charming and handsome. He’s my season two Mr. Big. I hate to admit it, but I’m really hoping for a happy, end of movie one-style ending with him. Carrie analyzed every single thing that her of-the-moment love interests did. It was her job. For me, it’s a bad habit. She chased Big around relentlessly until the cards worked in her favor. It made for good TV. For me, it’s just unhealthy reality. The rational part of me is starting to realize that love can’t be based off someone else’s story. […]

  10. […] my heart, I solemnly vowed to myself that I wouldn’t write about, talk about or even think about Carlos, my on again/off again summer fling, ever again. I lied. When I was home for winter break, I […]

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