On Self-Worth and Self-Doubt [Dear DBN]
To all my Plain Janes in the house – it’s time to realize that Jane is a pretty unique name these days and plain is a way to describe a wall. This week, we work on self-esteem and self-worth, because y’all seem to have some serious self-doubts and I will not tolerate that kind of attitude in the year of Bold Moves. On to the questions and the subsequent pep talks.
There’s this one guy that I LIKE SO MUCH. But he’s perfect and completely out of my league. We’re a perfect match personality wise. Our views, hopes for the future, taste in music etc. We clicked very quickly and have been talking a lot in the past few months. But he’s waaayyy more attractive than me. He’s also more of a social butterfly than I am. I feel like there’s no way I can ever get a catch like him. How can I get a guy like that to notice someone as plain as me?
Could you please present me with your chart of human leagues? I’m awfully curious to know where I fall. It would certainly help me obliterate my self-esteem and lead a life less fulfilling due to self-imposed limitations and made-up societal standards.
People are not plain. People are weird. So let me assure you: you’re not plain, and this kid isn’t perfect. I’d bet money that he chews funny and mixes up ‘to’ and ‘too’. I’d also bet money that he’ll never notice you if you continue to sit around thinking you’re not worth his time. The real issue here is the opinion you have of yourself. Why do you think you’re so plain? Do you really believe that? No obscure hobbies? No embarrassing favorite books? No curious birthmarks? Are you truly so plain I would not notice you if you walked by?
One, there’s no way that’s true, but two, if you believe it to be true, then you need to step up to the plate of life and do something about it. We’ve got bigger problems than Mr. Perfect, and it’s your self-esteem. Look, I’d love to tell you to seek out his hobbies, to invite him out places, to ask for his help on a project like building a bookcase or fixing your car, but screw that. I can give all the suggestions in the world, but if he doesn’t click with you (which, reminderville, most of the crushes in the world are unrequited), then I don’t want you to slip further into this state of thinking you’re not worthy of people.
You’re not plain. You’re just building a defense mechanism. Stop waiting for him to notice you and just pursue him. You might get rejected, but if you do, you won’t be plain – you’ll be courageous.
Hey. I’m coming to you for a little advice on how to better cope with a man’s lady friends… I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year now and every time I encounter one the gal friends in town I just leave feeling really inadequate. It’s very subtle — you know, the nice casual conversations but the quick judgers. It’s gotten so bad I keep having dreams of him leaving me. I’m not jealous, but maybe… nervous that they are right that I am inadequate, and that someday he will realize that too.
What? What are you smoking? You’ve been with him for a year. I don’t want to advise you, I want to smack you. Boss up and take control of your emotions. Have you ever seen a movie about a nasty mother-in-law? Well, watch one and be thankful you’re just dealing with his friends.
You are not inadequate. Don’t let anyone ever let you think that. Look, everyone’s got their own shit going on. People are frequently lost in their own world, and I can assure you, you are not a top concern for his female friends. Stop taking their seemingly condescending quips to mean that you’re any less than you are. He’s with you, and that’s that. If you were inadequate, you would find out from him, not them.
Go get your blood flowing, release some endorphins, and think about the kind of person you are. If you find yourself to be self-doubting, then start taking some risks to prove you’re not. If you find yourself to be insecure, then pursue a goal that makes you feel proud. And if you find yourself to be less than you ought to be, then study, read, run, practice, work, whatever you have to do to become the person you want to be. But change because you want to, not because some haters incepted you with a seed of worry that blossomed to a tree of self-destruction. I can tell you right now, you’re better than that.
CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!