Will He Cheat On Me Again? [Ask A Dude]
I was with this guy all through freshman and sophomore year, and things seemed really great. I never felt like this with any other guy I dated; it was just super intense. Fast forward to a couple months ago and there were a couple weeks where he acted really weird. He wasn’t talking to me as much as usual, and there was something off when he said he loved me too. He’s in one state, and I’m in another for the summer so we are doing long distance. Finally he told me why he was being so weird: he cheated on me with a girl at a party. They were drunk when it happened, and he was sorry and didn’t want to hurt me and promised it would never happen again. I’ve never been so into a guy before, and he says he’s never cheated on anyone else. I talked to a bunch of his friends and they said he never had either. My question is this: Can you ever trust a guy again after he’s cheated? Was it just a one time drunken mistake?
Dear Heartbroken Kid,
Will he cheat again? Only Sherlock Holmes (and NOT effing Johnny Lee Miller) could deduce the truth.
I’m inclined to say we’re certain he’s capable of cheating again. You do it once and suddenly you could be sliding down the slippery slope. It’s nice that he came out and admitted it and everything, but that don’t change what he did. And sure he might have been drunk, like a lot guys were back then but, that don’t change what he did (sorry, got all Joe Chill there for a second-BATMAN!!!!). The bottom line is his dick was in some other girl’s pants. Period. That’s what happened. Will he never do it again? There’s NO guarantee.
I’m not built to forgive or forget being cheated on. Oh, maybe one day I’d find the will to move on and not think of the person as a rotten sh*thole but it’d take A LOT of work. And even if I ever did come to a point of trusting that person again, the time we could have been together would be past (to paraphrase what Xena told Hercules). I’m not a believer in a 3 strikes rule when it comes to intercourse with someone who ain’t me. And I’d hope to be held to the same standard (Golden Rule and all that jazz). It’s one and done as far as I’m concerned.
Is it harsh? Maybe. I think it’s reasonable. Could you learn to trust him again? Possibly. But the type of trust will forever be altered and your relationship will forever be…different. A new sense of awareness, potentially paranoia, will exist, and the amount of work to get over this kind of betrayal could take a really long time.
Cheating’s not exactly a misdemeanor when it comes to a monogamous relationship. He violated your trust. He disrespected your relationship. He acted selfishly and destructively. He’s admitted what happened and (I’m assuming) that he was wrong. He might even own his wrongness. Now you need to decide for yourself if what you have is worth trying to make a new sandcastle out of, because you have to start from the first grain again, and it wont be the same as the first time.
If you do decide he’s worth it, come up with the ground rules. Things can’t simply be the way they were. He has to earn your trust again, and you have to relearn how to give that trust. But if you don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him completely, I’d recommend cutting ties now. Because it’s going to be Hell to get to Heaven, and there’s no certainty you’ll make it all the way.
“Falcone says hi,”
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]