Do I Choose The Sex or The Companion? [Ask A Dude]
First off, I’m not exactly a one-guy type of a girl. Just not how I’m built. I’m 20, and I don’t want to limit myself to one guy when I feel like I want to be having fun. So now here’s the problem: I’ve got these two guys that I’m kinda going back and forth with. One totally gets me, he’s all about keeping what we have casual and not asking for anything, and somehow we’ve ended up to the point where I’m totally falling for him. Like, it’s pathetic, I think about him all the time, whenever we’re hanging out it feels like we’re in our world for just us and the sex is really, really good. But he’s told me he doesn’t want anything serious. But there’s this guy I’ve been seeing who’s really sweet, and treats me better than this other guy and you can check off every box on the good BF list with him…but the sex is terrible. Like I can’t ever finish with him and end up faking it (and I’m not sure if he can tell). But he gave me an ultimatum: make it official or end it. So how do I handle this? I don’t really want to lose either, but the one I would want to be with doesn’t want me, and the one who does want to be with me, I’m not sure I’d want to be exclusive with. Who do I choose, the sex or the companion?
Stuck in the middle
Dear Stuck in the middle,
Who knows why we change gears from wanting to keep out of a relationship to wanting to jump right in…or vice versa. It can definitely go both ways. Sometimes when you get exactly what you think you want, you end up wanting something different. The grass is always greener on the other side. And sometimes, just sometimes, because you let your guard down, you leave yourself open to a possibility you’ve been actively working against.
Right now it sounds like you’re caught in a situation you don’t feel like you can control. You’re telling me that you’re being forced to choose. Well, why? Why give in to an ultimatum with a guy who’s no better than a friend? It’s a no brainer: Just say no. It’s great that he’s got a great personality and cares about you. Maybe a year from now you’d be in a different place and be open to it. But it sounds like on a primal, basic level-yes, sexually-you’re not compatible and it doesn’t sound like you’re going to be compatible. Don’t get me wrong, you can train a lover, teach each other, but it doesn’t sound like you’re all that invested in what you could have, just scared at what you might be passing up. And that’s not solid foundation to build a relationship on.
Meanwhile, you got your boytoy that you want to alchemize into a boyfriend. That sounds, probably a bit unhealthy? If he’s made it clear what he wants and doesn’t want, then you make it clear, too. Tell him what you want and don’t want. You can’t force him to change his mind, but you can make sure he’s aware of what’s in your mind. It keeps you from bottling anything up and maybe you open up a possibility for him. Maybe you don’t. But at least you’d know you didn’t hold back. On the other hand…
Choose yourself. Choose your own damn happiness and peace of mind instead of letting these two guys pull at you in different directions to the point where you forget where N is on your compass (no, I didn’t get that from a self-help book, but expect me to copyright it, just in case). There’s no wrong choice here except the one that causes you to torture yourself. It’s okay to want a relationship. It’s okay to not want one. It’s okay not to settle. And it’s okay to get rejected. None of those things should make you feel like less of who you are.
We all find ourselves in circumstances we swore we’d never get into. Mine involved a tattoo and a drunken skydiving instructor named Lotzy (no, I’m not f*cking with you). For you, it’s in a position where you feel like you can’t win, and you’re squeezed into a choice you don’t want to make. There’s a third option, and it’s giving yourself permission to move past these momentary distractions that feel gargantuan but really aren’t (especially at age 20).
My best advice, take a few nights to yourself where these two guys aren’t involved. Get back to listening to the voice in your head that sounds like yours. Then, say no to the companion and talk to the sex.
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]