Own Your Sexuality [Sexy Time]

By Jasmine R.

A depressingly common thread among women is that phase in our sexual journeys where we don’t own our sexuality. Sometimes it’s because of trauma, but often, the root of this is a lot more nebulous – societal influence, insecurity, or general lack of self-empowerment. Nevertheless, the result is the same – we see our sexuality as something for other people to take from us or something that we give away to others (rather than a mutually pleasurable experience). Our society constantly reinforces this idea that women don’t like sex that much anyway, or that it’s normal to be ashamed of our sexual desires, so we don’t always challenge our passive approach to sex.

When I first started getting intimate with guys, I was driven by a need to be validated. I needed external confirmation that I am attractive, so I was receptive to advances that, had I had more self-esteem, I never would have entertained. Which isn’t to say the guys were gremlins, or that I didn’t derive any pleasure from it, because they weren’t and I did, but my pleasure was pretty irrelevant at the time. What I sought to get out of these interactions was confidence (surprise, that didn’t work). That desperation made my experiences a lot less fun and a lot more anxiety-inducing and even shameful, because I was doing something that didn’t feel good for me.

Relatedly, I’ve also noticed this unfortunate phenomenon of ladies doing sexual things that they secretly enjoy, but when they talk about it, they distance themselves from it. For example, instead of saying “I had anal sex”, it’s phrased more like “I got talked into having anal sex.” If you say something like the latter, it ends up sounding like you’re either trying to absolve yourself from taking any responsibility for your actions, or like you were almost coerced into doing something. If you’re being pressured do things you don’t want to do, that’s absolutely a red flag in a relationship, and it’s not something you should tolerate. However, if you’re not engaging in your hookups, or if you feel the need to present yourself a quasi-braindead entity when you’re talking about your escapades, it’s time to re-evaluate why that is.

You shouldn’t be ashamed of your sex life. That doesn’t mean you need to be comfortable sharing the details of it with everyone you meet (or anyone, for that matter), but at the very least, your experiences should sit well with you. Whether that means upgrading your taste in sexual partners or recalibrating your own perspective on sex, take the steps to improve your dalliances so that you can be proud and own your sexuality fearlessly.