On Staying the Course or Cutting Your Losses [Dear DBN]
Fake it ‘til you make it, right? Well, only when you want to make it. This week, when you find the course precarious, should you bail or take the helm?
I’m a college freshman and I’ve met this guy. We’ve become really good friends and are spending lots of time together. Eventually, spending lots of time together began to include lots of cuddling and making out. He’s a really great guy and super sweet. He almost definitely wants to be more than friends. As much as I like him, the physical attraction on my part isn’t really there. He kisses me and there are no butterflies, no spark. I absolutely love your blog and I’m looking for a bit of advice.
Woman, what are you doing. That’s a rhetorical question. Because the answer is nothing productive. Usually people make out with someone they do not find attractive because they really like them. Do you want to be with this dude or not? I’m an advocate of the spark, but I also know there are plenty of people who found love by letting it grow and develop over time under the lights of perseverance and kindness.
Let’s put your lack-de-spark to the side for a moment. There’s a person who is compromised in this situation, and you are leading him into a rabbit hole of confusion. This is super simple: do you want him to be your exclusive boyfriend in a long-term committed relationship? If the answer is yes, hurrah! You’re on your way! If this answer is no, then stop making out with him. I know making out is fun, but so is drinking. Best to not let either spiral.
How do you handle that sudden and debilitating feeling of not being good enough? Not necessarily in relationships, but in work or school or life in general…
Not good enough for what? Not good enough to be in the school you are? Not good enough to have the job you do? Not good enough to grace that stage? Have you ever considered who decides if you’re good enough? Other people who wonder the exact same thing. That man who hired you struggles to connect with his five year old daughter on his weekends, feeling unfit and deeply saddened. That big personality who got the lead in the play is on vocal steroids, terrified of the first voice crack. And the total knock-out dating your crush, she reads his texts when he’s not around, debilitated by her own insecurities. Are we good enough?
People are terrified. Everyone feels like a sham sometimes. But it’s your job to twist the story. Have you ever snuck into a movie? Ever crashed a wedding? Ever feigned an accent for an evening? Are you not consumed with giggles and the high of success when you get away with it? You, I, we are getting away with life. We’re born totally inept before we become novices, hobbyists, practiced, professionals. Maybe you aren’t good enough, but you’re getting away with it. And the longer you get away with it, the more you become it. You are where you are because countless people along the way saw something. Trust them and trust yourself. And until security kicks you out, have the time of your life because that’s all the time we have.
CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!