On The Pain that Comes With Wanting More [Dear DBN]

By Datebynumbers

Perception is all it takes to see dead flowers as potpourri.  How you frame a situation in your mind can trap you there, or it can catapult you forward.  This week, is it you who’s holding you back?

I’ve never been in a relationship before and I am really looking to meet someone. I’m not shy when it comes to the guys I like at all. I’m outgoing and I always manage to stir up good conversation. However, guys tend to see me as more of a “friend” type than “girlfriend” type. Even if I try to be flirtatious, it never seems to move in the direction I want it too. How do I change this pattern? And how do I get someone who sees me as buddy in the cafeteria to someone he could be with.

You need to drop that frame of mind.  Play pretend with me here.  Watch characters like Jessica Rabbit, Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Eva Green in Casion Royale, but watch those characters and match their attitudes.  I’m not saying slither across a table, but you need to walk into a room framing yourself as sexy, cool and smart, not as one the bros.  You’re clearly confident, but you’re allowing yourself to believe that guys only see you as a friend.  Quit it.  Re-frame how you see yourself and they might start seeing you differently.

And if I’m going to be blunt and politically incorrect, a little lip gloss, cleavage and shiny hair can go a long way.

I’ve been in an FWB situation for a few months and while I know it’s holding me back because he doesn’t want to date and I do…I can’t seem to be bold enough to walk away. I was able to find out how he feels, which felt very bold to me…but now I’m stuck still trying to decide if I want to see him anymore. What do I do?

Agreeing to settle for “friends with benefits” with someone you are emotionally invested in is a soul-crushing deal.  There’s no nicotine patch for love, and your faith in others will only continue to decay the longer you show no respect for yourself.  You are actively denying yourself happiness.  You’re going to be wrapped up in his arms at midnight cloaked in hope and wishing for more, and when he asks you to leave because he’s got ‘things to do,’ you’ll be wearing nothing but your coat and your heartbreak when you walk home alone.  And you’ll have done it to yourself.

The nights you lie in bed wishing he was there will seem worse than this, but you must remember, they’re a cumulative action.  That kind of pain has a growth rate.  And without the ointment of self-respect, it will leave you saddened in ways you do not deserve.  To not be wanted is invalidating, but it’s only devastating if you continue to open the wound.  Walk away, or fall prey to the humiliating inevitability of looking back and thinking, “what the fuck was I doing?”