Recap: The Vampire Diaries, Season 4, Episode 1 [A Bro's Thoughts]

By Theo Jones

Before we begin, an introduction: I’m Theo, the CC Nerd/Bro/TV Junkie-In-Residence. I got hooked on The Vampire Diaries when I was sitting around cruising Netflix one day (and frankly, couldn’t get into Downton Abbey). I binge-watched all three seasons in about a weekend, granting the guilty pleasure slot in my life to the CW’s supernatural teen-vamp sex romp insanity that resides in Mystic Falls. I justify my fandom due to the amount of beautiful chicks on the show, but let’s be real: this show sucks you in and doesn’t let go. (I lose a bunch a bro points for saying that, but whatever. YOLO is dead, but it’s never been more appropriate.) With that, I’ll be here every week to recap each TVD Season 4 episode, acting as your guide through fangs and fur and everything in between. Fair warning: these recaps pick up as if you’ve seen the show and are full of SPOILERS. Let’s begin:

In Which Elena Has The Worst Case Of PMS Ever And Decides To Over-Dramatically Slurp Up Blood

Okay, so the big finale twist in the previous season is that Elena (Nina Dobrev) was in the final process of becoming a vampire. It was bound to happen, but even entertaining the idea that there was a chance that she couldn’t turn all fangy is like saying Lady Gaga won’t get naked on the internet anymore. It’s a nice sentiment, but COME ON. Plus, her ‘transformation’ moment = LAME. Blood on the fingertips? Bitch, that wasn’t even like a medicine dropper half-drop of blood. That’s supposed to change you into some all-powerful blood sucking monster? Get real.

The episode instead used all these shifty and out-of-focus sequence with Elena grabbing her teeth and craving some medium-rare steak to get across the point that ‘Oooh, she’s changing.’ I guess no one on the TVD staff got the memo that no one cares about how Elena changes as long as you change her.

But nothing hits harder though than Elena’s mood swing in the kitchen as Stefan (Paul Wesley) tries to comfort her. While I guess this is the most Nina Dobrev has stretched her acting chops since her teen slut Degrassi days, I’ve got to be honest: I’ve dealt with girls angry at me for getting the wrong flavored hummus from Trader Joe’s that have got a greater emotional range than this chick. Yeah, her emotions are heightened because she’s all vampy now, but that doesn’t really come across. The extreme close ups on her teeth and eyes were overkill as well. Let’s hope those sequences only last for this episode. Also during that whole “Oh-An-Evil-Pastor-Captured-Me-So-I’m-Running-Away-Sequence”, am I the only one who noticed how bow-legged this girl is? But that’s for another time.

In Which Damon & Stefan’s Bromance Ends So They Can Be All Wussy

At the end of season 3, it seemed like the Salvatore brothers were getting along pretty well by ascending to the top of the vamp food chain and killing the whole Original Vampire family. But now, since the chick that they both want to bone (even though it seems like Stefan only has once) has got fangs, they’re all conflicted and want what’s best for Elena. Boo-f*cking-hoo. Um, is this show really going to repeat season one’s love triangle storyline but with Elena as a vampire instead of a human? I thought you dudes were badasses. I thought the Salvatore brothers brought hard drinking and master plans to rule the vampire world into complete focus.

Instead, these guys are putting some skinny bitch’s p*ssy on a pedestal. Damon hasn’t progressed as a character yet in the series, but I’m down for him drinking heavily and ripping some people apart while maybe banging Rebekah again. That would be cool. It’s way more entertaining than Stefan being a big baby and crying all the time about how much Elena loves him and why he’s the reason she doesn’t mind becoming a vampire. The dude cries like every episode. Grow a pair, man. You can officially start ripping people apart and sucking blood with your girlfriend as a date night. In fact, that might be the best date night ever. You should be way more excited than just going for cuddle time on a roof to end an episode.

In Which Caroline Stays a Smokeshow Slampiece For Klaus/Tyler (Kyler?) and Is Needlessly Topless (Which Is Cool)

Let me state this clearly: I think Candice Accola is a hidden gem for all men to find. The girl is gorgeous. So the fact that she needlessly takes off her top in the middle of the episode while referencing “hot hybrid-vampire sex” as Caroline is easily the highlight of the episode for me. Props to the Klaus character though for locking her down by stealing Caroline’s boyfriend, Tyler’s (Michael Trevino), body. Total bro move right there. Can’t get the girl you want with the normal wine-and-dine swoon but have supernatural powers? Just steal that chick’s boyfriend’s body. That works.

In Which The Original Family Stays A Bunch Of Babies But At Least We Got The Real Klaus Back

As if we didn’t have enough hot vampire blondes, Claire Holt as Rebekah adds a British accent to the mix and all I can do is swoon. Even though she plays a big baby on the show, her cuteness more than makes up for it. Klaus (Joseph Morgan) is definitely the most wussiest of the wussy in terms of characterization of the show, but he gets so many one-liners and wants to bang Caroline, so I can’t really hate on him too much.

He’s back in his original body and was ready to start a new family of hybrid monster things, but Rebekah crashes his escape plan, throws a temper tantrum and ruins all of that. Suffice to say, for being the first vampires ever created, this crew has acted like a bunch of babies the past two seasons. Cry me a river, you’re immortal and your family’s got some dysfunction. Go see a counselor or watch the travesty that we now call True Blood, don’t smash bags of blood in hissy fits.

In Which Kat Graham Kills Jasmine Guy As Her Crazy Ghost Witch Grandma Because FORESHADOWING

While the first thought at the end of last season was that resident juju/voodoo/hoodoo witch Bonnie Bennett (Kat Graham) was going all dark side to be the big bad for this season, the ‘darkness’ in the magic that she’s been using decided, ‘Eh, f*ck that, we’ll kill her grandma instead of making her a villain.’  But come on, if this wasn’t the biggest preview into Bonnie throwing a major rage fit and getting all big and bad to destroy all magic or something by the end of the season, then I should probably stop watching. (Also, Buffy Season Six potential ripoff much? The BFF witch that goes evil and wants to destroy the world? Try picking a plot line that isn’t 10 years old, CW.)

In Which TVD Really Does Rips Off Buffy And Goes For A Pastor/Religious/Cult-Like Big Bad

So this whole new pastor ready to rid the world of all evil sounds kind of familiar right? Yeah. Because Buffy did it in their final season. I’m not angry. I just want to get the facts out there. Anyway, with the ending of the episode resulting in the entire Mystic Falls Founder’s Council going up in flames after being referenced as “The Beginning”, color me intrigued. With the Founding Families gone, Mystic Falls is up for grabs for the most powerful being, and who knows what kind of crazy that’ll bring around.

In Which Every Other Human Character Is Now Rendered Obsolete And Is Only Good For Things Like Getting Beat Up, Acting as Bait For Monsters, or Dying (I’m Looking At You, Matt)

Yeah, I think my over-long, wordy title handled this one.

Even though the Salvatore brothers are going to be arguing for at least half of this season which one will get to take Elena to vamp pound town, we’ve got a clear trajectory that if you’re not human, you’re pretty much gonna die since every main character is some kind of creature. I can work with that. Overall, we’ve got Elena as a vampire, the Salvatore love triangle reestablished, the teen angst high school plot lines removed, and every human character seeming as pointless as ever. While there’s no clear villain just yet headed to Mystic Falls, all of the previous plot lines have been resolved and we’re ready to move on to bigger, better, and hopefully crazier things. The Vampire Diaries may have either gone off the deep end, or will be setting up for their best season yet. Only time will tell, and I’ll be here every step of the way.

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