On Small Attitude Adjustments That Make a Big Difference [Dear DBN]
Life is full of love, laughter and total a*sholes. Since there’s no legal pest control for people, sometimes you need to re-frame your situation and think of your enemies as pollinators of personal growth. This week, why adjusting your attitude might be more effective than addressing the problem.
Okay. So, I’ve been seeing my exboyfriend again for a while. And since I’ve known him, he’s had this one female friend who bugs the sh*t out of me. I just know she likes him. Recently (the past year), they have gotten a lot closer than ever before… He reassures me that he doesn’t like her, and she’s not really his type, I’ll admit. But I can’t help getting jealous. She doesn’t intimidate me, and I know I’m better looking but still… I’m scared he’ll leave me for her. Am I being an idiot?
You’re not being an idiot, but you sure are being catty. Retract the claws and reel back the hate brigade, because he’s with you, not her. You even broke up thus giving them a chance to Harry & Sally that shit, and they still didn’t get together. Look, your lovers, your friends and your family are going to include people in their lives that you’re not a fan of – that’s just the law of numbers. Unless those people they are including are hateful or disruptive, it’s your job to be a polite member of a functioning society and to have enough confidence in yourself and your relationship to play nice. And for the record, maybe you aren’t intimidated by her, but you sure are intimidated by their relationship.
Be forewarned – it doesn’t matter how good looking you are when your insecurities begin to show like a rash. This girl can be an annoyance to you, but you must not let her be a threat. Your jealousy of her will wedge a slab of discontent between you and your man, and he will choose the person who didn’t force him to make that choice.
What I’m saying is, get over it. This girl is his friend. Reframe her in your mind as his sister, a lesbian, his mother, his parole officer, whatever. But remember he goes to bed with you. Until you’re presented with evidence to the contrary, you need to be a good girlfriend and respect that your boyfriend has meaningful relationships with other humans. Does it suck if those other humans are people who piss you off? Well, yeah, but there’s a support group for that – it’s called everyone.
I don’t get it. WHY do guys get into relationships with girls, when they end up being unfaithful right from the beginning? If you want to be with one person, be with her. If you don’t want to be with ONLY her, then don’t be. Maybe you could enlighten me, I know you know lots.
Just so we’re clear – the ladyfolk do this, too. And I know they do this, because I have done this. Things about people that everyone should be aware of: they rarely give considerate thought to things when pheromones are involved, and they rarely give considerate thought to things when pheromones are involved. What I mean is, sometimes relationships escalate quickly, and sometimes situations outside of those rushed relationships escalate quickly, too.
You meet someone, you’re enamored with each other, you spend ten straight days together, you’re already talking about next year… people jump in so quickly sometimes, only to be caught in the net later on. Sometimes this works, but a lot of times it doesn’t. It would be amazing if people had the strength of character to just say, “we rushed in,” but the person with the strength to say that is rarely the person who rushes in. And it’s when you’re caught in the net that you meet the next “ten straight days.”
Guys aren’t scum. They don’t sit down and think, “I’m going to make this girl be loyal to me and then I’m going to spray my spawn elsewhere as a display of freedom!” Men and women can both be foolish, impulsive, and short-sighted. If this is a trend you’re seeing in the people you date, then it’s you who needs to date differently, because there are plenty of good seeds out there ready to flex their loyalty muscle. Take things slow, be honest and vocal about what it is you’re looking for, and even when things feel magical, remember that that’s a feeling – not a level-headed discussion between two adults.