Releasing the Ghosts of Bad Dates Past [Diary of the Undateable]

I didn’t dress up for Halloween. Didn’t go out, get sloppy drunk or watch scary movies. I was, however, encountered by a ghost. Three of them. Carlos, Tonio and Brian…and basically every other guy that I’ve ever talked to.

I ran across this story about “ghosting” and immediately recognized the signs – when two people are talking or dating and the other one disappears out of thin air. No more texts. No tweets. No calls. Facebook messages, emails, smoke signals? Gone.

Relationships end. Duh. But when someone disappears out of thin air with no warning – that’s something that I’m still trying to get used to.

After this summer, Tonio stopped talking to me even though he promised we’d hang when I came back to D.C. And Brian melted off the face of the earth after our first and only date…after he said that he really, really wanted to see me again.

And Carlos. Carlos and I are really over now. He’s only called me once since I’ve been back in the States – and my flight landed a month ago. The one time we talked, he had to jump in the shower and said he’d hit me back later on that night. I’m still waiting on that call.

Nothing puts a damper to your confidence like being ghosted. It’s not like I did or said anything bad…did I? I thought I was doing the right thing with all three dudes – I never ignored their calls and texts, I was willing to hang out, I was flirty at the right times and appropriately mysterious at others. So wtf is the problem?

Ghosting is like the easiest and lamest copout ever. Instead of stepping up, being a man (or woman!) and saying that you’re not interested, you just say…nothing. Brad told me that if he’s not interested in a girl anymore, the texts are unanswered and the calls are ignored in order to make sure that she gets the point. Yeah, that makes it pretty clear. But why. Can’t. You. Just. Say. It?

After my latest haunting, I hit my BFF Bernard up for advice. He said that despite all of my dazzling efforts, the disappearing acts are essentially my fault.

“Women have ego problems and are emotional and always think that there’s another woman. When a guy tells a girl that he’s not feeling her anymore, she thinks it’s another woman when that’s not the case,” he said. “She thinks she can change something when she can’t. So by not answering calls and texts, it’s avoiding all that dialogue and gives her a clear picture of what the guy wants.”

I wish that my girls and I could get back the time that we’ve spent trying to decipher this stuff – all of our worrying, crying and frantic “why he didn’t call” Google searches. I’ve been so tempted to confront my ghosts – to call them up and figure out what went wrong. But maybe it’s just best to release these demons of dates past. If they aren’t worried ‘bout it, I probably shouldn’t be either.

CollegeCandy, have you ever been ghosted? How do you deal?

When she’s not watching for Blue Ivy sightings or doing some serious Facebook creeping, Khalea moonlights as a print journalism major at the REAL HU, Howard University. Follow her on Twitter at @letsbeKHAlear, or feel free to Twatch. Whatever works for you.

[Lead image via Annette Shaff /Shutterstock]



  1. Ariel says:

    I haven't been in that situation before, but I totally understand what your friend Benard is saying…too many of my friends have time and time again come to me asking why some guy has stopped talking to them. Being a girl I sympathize with them…but I also would say I'm not the typical girl. I tend to play the same games guys play when it comes to relationships. It's fun and why not. Sure there may be some casualties along the way but welp, i'm living my life young, wild, and free for the time being. ONE THING i must add though is I never think no is an answer, I always like to get what I want…you just need to learn how to work people to your advantage.

    1. ReeseUKanna says:

      Wow, that's mature. Play mind games with people. You don't always "get what you want". That's not how life is. And it's attitudes like that that will keep you from ever finding a truly meaningful relationship. Spend less time trying to "work people to your advantage" and more time acting like a normal person.

    2. Ariel says:

      I don't see the immaturity in what I said at all. What you see as mind games, I see as playful banter that makes life an equal playing field. You have to work to get what you want. Sorry I'm not sorry that everything that I want in life, I strive to get it and almost always succeed. Yes I work people to my advantage but who doesn't?! The casualties I mentioned are the guys who didn't keep my interest. Again sorry i'm not sorry that I refuse to settle? The way I choose to live my life has allowed me to experience many different types of relationships, truly meaningful ones included. The last thing i want to add is that I never live my life in the standard of what's normal. And you shouldn't either. Go beyond that.

  2. Straightup08 says:

    Its seems so unfair doesn't it. It just doesn't make any sense to many why guys think that lying to you, leading you on and sending you off is soooooo much better than actually telling you the truth. ATTENTION MEN Telling the truth eliminates all questions! its not fair to lie to a girl about how you feel about her. Now she is given false hope and for a few short moments living in pure bliss then suddenly it is snatched from her. I don't think men understand how that feels. I know so many guys that are too worried about being the nice guy and not hurting her feelings but what they don't understand is they are hurting her ten times more when they lie and lead her on. Maybe its me but I prefer to be told the truth so I can move on quicker rather than lied to and left wondering if what he said to me true or not. I think I just got totally wrapped up in my feelings now lol…This topic hit a soft spot. I am currently going through this and it SUCKS

  3. […] know that last week I talked about ghosting and how it sucks to be on the receiving end of it. I hate to eat my words – but just like that, I […]

  4. […] it was because of an amazing date that was supposed to call you the night after and never did. These guys that ghost us vanish without warning…and we deserve to know why. […]

  5. […] it was because of an amazing date that was supposed to call you the night after and never did. These guys that ghost us vanish without warning…and we deserve to know why. […]

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