On Being Yourself…For Better or Worse [Dear DBN]

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    Posted in Dating, Love

Are you completely out of touch with yourself?  Is what you’re putting out there different than what you imagine?  This week, it’s time to have a good long look in the mirror and remember you’re not the only person in the room.

I’d like your perspective on something: so all my friends say I can’t go past the first or second date because I’m too much of myself! See, I don’t try to get a guy to like me, I act like myself just like I would around anyone else. I feel like if you try to change, the relationship will obviously not work out as you let your true colors out further down the road. So I’m myself. Not rude or abrasive, just me. I don’t get the second or third date, but why should I change?!

Let’s do some quick rephrasing here… “I don’t try to get a company to hire me, I act like myself.”  It sounds a little ignorantly phrased like that, doesn’t it?  You don’t lie about who you are at an interview – you just convey what makes you an excellent candidate.  Just like an employer doesn’t need to know I like partying on Tuesdays, future boyfriends don’t really need to know I have full conversations with my cat. Being yourself is a good thing, but it sounds like you’re not very cognizant of there being a person there with you. This date is not just a show about you and someone else fitting to it.  You’re playing off each other, trying to make the other person comfortable and at ease, the idea is to make each other have fun.  You’re not there to slap them in the face with your personality.

Your friends are hopefully good friends, and are thus saying this because they want you to be happy.  Dating is about getting to know someone; maybe don’t put all your cards on the table at once.  What’s the fun in a riddle if the answer is written below it?

What would your advice be for a girl who wants to put herself out there, but has a lot of body image insecurity? It tends to put a damper on things when I want to ask someone out but the thought of shedding clothes makes me nervous.

You’re aware you’ve already made strides by just wanting to put yourself out there, right?  Body image insecurity is nearly inevitable these days.  You know those duck-faced mirror shots so many girls take?  You ever noticed how they angle the camera from above, lean forward with their chest out, and take the photo at a ¾ shot?  That’s because despite knockers and abs, they too have body image insecurity.

If you’re in a room with someone and the two of you are about to take your clothes off, that person is into it.  Unless you’re wearing an invisibility cloak, they have a general idea of what they’re about to lay their paws on.  And they’re there because they want to.  You don’t need to worry about what they think, because all they’re thinking is, “let there be an orgasm involved.”  What you need to focus on is your relationship with your physical self.  You need to spend some time naked appreciating this amazing piece of biology you’ve got.  How ‘bout them calves?  The small of your back?  Softness of your skin?  Gleam of your hair?  Baby, you’re a piece of science that has the opportunity to feel particularly electrified when those clothes come off – learn to love yourself so you can let yourself be loved.

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