Recap: The Vampire Diaries Season 4, Episode 5 [A Bro's Thoughts]

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(Preface: Sorry about last week. I had some #Sandy problems. Natural disasters are bitches.)

Let’s get this out of the way before the real recap: Way to be generic, CW. Even though we knew Connor The Vampire Hunter (I see you, Buffy!) couldn’t make it that long into the season since, you know, there needed to be plot progression: WAY TO KILL THE BLACK GUY. (Okay. I just needed to get that out.)

In Which The Salvatore Bromance Is Back Because Trying To Literally Rip Out Each Other’s Hearts Is A Therapy Session

While I’m glad that Stefan and Damon have seemingly put the nail in the coffin of their bickering over who gets to take Elena to vamp pound-town first, I think Damon has an alarmingly honest point. This whole “cure” thing might not even exist. It is Klaus who is pulling the strings after all. Last week’s episode was really strong due to the fact that everything the First Vampire Family does is incredible. So incredible that it might have put blinders over our eyes that it is some bazillion year old story getting told that might not have all the details straight. You heard it here first: Incoming plot twist about this whole “cure” thing.

Props to Damon though for not being awkward post heart-rip-out attempt. At the end of the day, Stefan’s just been one shady dude as of late, and Damon was all like,”Bro I thought that was my job. So I’ll fix that by putting my hand through your chest.” Afterwards, the brotherly moment that they had together might have been heartwarming for Salvatore stans worldwide, but it was kinda like a symbolic fist bump that they’ve got their shit together and are ready to make sure Elena doesn’t lose her mind.

In Which Elena Loses Her Shit Because She Became A Badass For A Hot Minute And Couldn’t Handle It

How HBIC was Elena when she broke Connor’s neck? Seriously. Her friends have always been hotter than her in just about everything ever, but Elena’s little action moment in this episode had me thinking: Do you think if she turns off her humanity she’ll just act like her doppleganger Katherine? THAT would be awesome. Katherine was not only sex on wheels, but just slaughtered mad heads to pick at Stefan and Damon. To me, it’s the character progression Elena needs. This whole,”I’m trying to hold on to my humanity,” thing was tired when she was a human and is even more tired now that she’s a vampire. It seems like Nina Dobrev is really stretching her talents by overacting every emotion ever to get it across that she’s some kind of weirdo emo vampire. Bitch, get it together. You got your first kill! She needs to celebrate, not cry in the shower and then trip balls in the bathroom because she’s ‘oh-so-guilty.’

In Which Bonnie’s New Witch Tutor Is Super Creepy and Probably a Sexual Predator

In the simplest terms: Professor Shane (David Alpay), what are you doing in your dimly-lit office with a chick as hot as Kat Graham across from you hypnotized for SEVEN HOURS?

Think about it. He got her to drink some like weed-tea, then mentally gets her to take off some jewelry, and then we don’t come back to the scene until she’s been there for seven hours. That’s 420 minutes. You could watch the entire Transformers trilogy in that timeframe. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN THERE? Not that Bonnie can’t take care of herself as a character. I’m glad she’s getting her magic groove back, and there’s a need to develop the Professor since he knows about The Five and seems kinda evil; but there’s just something not right about that whole situation this episode.

In Which Tyler Lockwood Can’t Keep His Bitties In Check

Tyler, word of advice, if you’re going to attempt to have multiple supernatural ladies all over your d*ck in your house at the same time, don’t talk on the phone. Supernatural hearing is a bitch. If you’re gonna be a hybrid player, learn the supernatural pimp game, son.

While it didn’t amount to the cheating scandal that we wished it would, the fact that Caroline has a little bit of annoyance towards Tyler is a good thing. She needs to get rid of him quick and let him keep huzzy Hayley. (Who for like the bazillionith time, had her accent break blatantly in a take. Geez. I thought these were professional actors!)

In Which Jeremy Gilbert Can’t Catch A Break

After playing through a modified diner Die Hard scenario in the morning with his future pastor’s daughter slam piece and future-dead-person Matt, Jeremy finds out that the mystical tattoo that Klaus is after just happens to wind up on his arm like an hour later. Seriously, this kid just gets the brunt end of the stick every season. Either kill him off already or just let him be.

These last two episodes of TVD have been pretty clutch. There’s been some awesome plot lines, great character development and it seems like we’re moving towards a story shift away from “Elena’s-A-Whiney-Vamp” into “Let’s-Find-A-Cure-So-We-Can-Stop-Elena’s-Whining.” We even had a character death this episode! Sweet! Let’s keep it going, Mystic Falls. Check out the preview for next week’s episode below (Looks like I’m right about the whole Katherine thing. Sex on wheels is back!):

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