What’s up Dude –
The guy that I am dating, like actually dating (none of that ‘it’s complicated’ business) does this really annoying thing. I think it’s mean, hurtful and degrading. He points out other girls’ flaws all the time. He’ll say something about a girl’s flat chest or crooked teeth. What’s worse is that the stuff he points out are often things that I am self-conscious about. I feel like he is making fun of me when he makes fun of them. Does he think that I’m ugly?
Dear Feeling Dissed,
Yeah, he’s being an insensitive prick. I’m gonna call mindf*ck on this one.
I think what he’s doing is callous. I think it’s degrading. I think it’s cruel. And if they are all things to which you are self-conscious about and he is aware of you being self-conscious about them, then it is some kind of veiled emotional abuse. On the other hand it could be a passive-aggressive expression of his dissatisfaction with his own body and your relationship. Either way, not really good.
Do guys scrutinize women? Sure. Do women analyze men? Sure. We all gauge how attractive we find other people, no matter how committed of a relationship you might be in. And if you’re scouting for thirds, then you do it together and it becomes a bonding exercise. Hell, try being a director for television, theater or any art form and you’re going to be picking at the tiniest details in a person’s appearance and comparing them to someone else up for the same part. So analysis happens. It’s not fair. But it’s not going to stop anytime soon either at this rate.
What he’s doing though, goes beyond the casual, “She doesn’t do it for me.” He’s being a d-bag. And he’s doing it in front of you and that’s no accident. And what he’s critiquing isn’t random either.
My suggestion? Tell him to STFU. Be honest and be firm. What he does is affecting you. What he’s doing is something you’re not cool with. And if he keeps on doing it? Then he proves himself to be the kind of guy you can do better without.
Encouraging you to channel your inner BAMF,
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]