Popping the “What Are We?” Question [Diary of the Undateable]

Even though I’m single and always have been and probably always will be, my friends still love to ask me for boo advice. Lately, I’ve been living vicariously through my homegirl Tasia. We’ll figure out clever-but-artfully-vague text message responses and date night outfit ideas, and I’ll pretend not to be at home alone watching “Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta” during the weekend. It works perfectly.

One night after last-minute drinks and dinner with Jared, the guy she’s been crushing on forevs, she sent me the text message that no one EVER wants to get from their G4L: “Totally found out he’s dating someone else LOL.”

There was nothing LOL about the situation, though. Jared and Tasia were SUPPOSED to end up together. This was NOT a part of our carefully calculated plan.

When J and T were hanging out at their friend’s birthday party, he casually mentioned the new girl – Janice. “Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?” she asked boldly.

“Whoa,” he laughed, taken aback. “Well I mean…yes. We’re dating. It’s all really new. She’s nice to me and I like that.”

Now keep in mind that Jared said that he’s not – or wasn’t – looking for a girlfriend. He just got out of a serious relationship a few months back and told Tasia that he was just chillin’…even though he was sending more-than-just-a-friend vibes her way.

How the heck did Jared change his mind so quickly? We did some deductive reasoning via iMessage and came up with the conclusion that she popped The Question…the one that Tasia didn’t want to ask: “What are we?”

Talking, courting and dating is all fine and dandy – until you try to put a label on whatever it is that you’re doing. In my limited scope of experience, I’ve found that the “What are we?” question can either make or break a relationship. It seems like guys feel pressure when we ask them about our relationship status.  But it’s not cool to walk around in fauxlationship limbo wondering who or what or when.

When Carlos and I were still a thing, I popped The Question to him. “Just tell me. What am I to you? What are we even doing?” I slurred after a night of DNC speeches and SkinnyGirl margarita consumption.

He couldn’t even give me a straight answer. “I feel comfortable around you. I like talking to you. But I think you like me more than I like you…”

Asking him what he thought about what we were doing after almost four months of talking and hearing his answer did hurt – but it helped me finally see that I was wasting my time on him.

In my opinion, titles are necessary. Without them, there’s too much leeway allowed, especially if you’re really getting serious about somebody. You’re not my girlfriend so I don’t have to be honest with you. You’re not my boyfriend so I don’t have to hit you up on a consistent basis. I think that titles – or at least verbal understanding about your status – are completely justified after a few weeks. What’s the point of wondering?

CollegeCandy, how do you guys feel about popping The Question?

When she’s not watching for Blue Ivy sightings or doing some serious Facebook creeping, Khalea moonlights as a print journalism major at the REAL HU, Howard University. Follow her on Twitter at @letsbeKHAlear, or feel free to Twatch. Whatever works for you.

[Lead image via Foonia/Shutterstock]



  1. ME TOO says:

    I completely agree with this. The problem is guys freak out about it no matter how you approach the question or how long you wait to ask. It is NOT a hey, are we going to get married? Despite what guys think, it is actually to see if we are on the same page that we BOTH agree we are a bit of a thing. Not a serious thing, that’s a conversation that you may not get because I could dump you before then. I have options sir, so don’t flatter yourself thinking I want BF/GF commitment.

    I usually don’t get this far in my casual dating escapades because the sex question comes up first (Always from him.) and I am a happy little virgin and I don’t see a point in lying about it. If that’s all you wanted, you aren’t getting it from me. Really? Please tell me how big you are, and how great you are in the sack. Please, I know I’m beautiful and funny, but you aren’t talking me into it tonight, so deal. We can makeout, I promise I’m excellent at that. Everyone says so.

    WTF though really? It’s okay for the guy to ask ME about my sex life after a week or even a day in some cases, but I can’t ask if we are a maybe after an entire MONTH? That’s totally hypocritical, you horn-dog. Sometimes I wish I were a guy so I could punch them in their faces.

    Men are pigs girls. Seriously.

  2. mary says:

    guys are too stupid, and i completely agree with you, what's the point of wasting time with someone who doesn't even take you seriously.

  3. Yanger says:

    That's totally hypocritical, you horn-dog. Sometimes I wish I were a guy so I could punch them in their faces.

  4. Reblogged this on la del tic Toe and commented:
    Yeah sometimes we, a.k.a teenagers, hoping for something that do not really happen. but, it’s naturally become your part of life to keep it on your brain without realizing the reality. and now, I’m talking in the terms of opposite sex.

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