With an episode title like “We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes”, you would think that there would be a little bit more action than emotion in Mystic Falls this week. Instead, we were dragged along for 40 minutes leading up to the breakup we all knew was coming. My overall conclusion? I’m stoked that for the first time in four years since TVD‘s been on, different people will be banging each other. Let’s get to the recap!
In Which It Looks Like Damon’s Finally Going To Get To Take Elena To Vamp Pound Town
In the most overly dramatic breakup sequence since Dawson’s Creek, Stefan and Elena finally called it quits in the front of her house. While I’m all for new relationships and new characters interacting with each other, does anyone else feel like this exact conversation should have happened last season? It was long overdue. Why Stefan kept going back to Elena, I’ll never understand. You’re an immortal bro with the ability to pretty much control whatever you want out of any person whatsoever. You were even the legendary serial killer vamp known as “The Ripper” for a bit. Your nickname was “The Ripper!”
Instead, he hooks up with Elena. She’s a whiner, always getting people killed, and walks like super bow-legged all the time, which is a loss of points. Major red flags there, bro. But ‘OHHHH true love always wins, right?!?’ Bullshit. If anything, Elena’s a lightweight if she can’t handle her first kill as a vampire without tripping balls so hard that she almost burns alive on a bridge. How many acid trips has Elena had this season already? Three? Four? Geez. She needs to get her vampire behavioral tolerances together.
The only downside to this entire process is that it’ll take a bazillion episodes before we have Elena and Damon going at it. Then she’ll be all conflicted about taking this supposed cure for vampirism because everything’s going so well with Damon but Stefan’s worked so hard to get her this cure and she has to pick between the two and that’ll be the cliffhanger and the season will end. Wow, I just figured out the story-arc for the remaining 17 episodes in a sentence. Pray we get some surprises. Let’s move on to more important/interesting people than Elena then.
In Which The Pedophile Professor Gives Us Some Major Foreshadowing Because The Writers Think We’re A Dumb Audience
Based on the whole monologue Professor Shane delivered, I guess some dude named Silas is coming to town pretty soon? Or maybe Professor Shane is Silas? Or is related to Silas? Or is, like, Silas’ boyfriend? Or maybe they’re ripping off Buffy Season 1 this time with the whole idea of The Master (I mean, Silas) returning to wreck havoc over Sunnydale…I mean, Mystic Falls. Who knows. Irregardless of how the whole Silas thing plays out, I really find this dude MAJORLY creepy. I mean who worships a rock like he did? It’s a rock, bro. Chill out.
In the meantime, creepster Shane is wearing like awkward wife-beaters under flannels to talk to high school kids. You’re a college professor, man. There’s no shame in trying to ‘connect with the youth’ but you don’t have to look like a serial killer while doing so. (Or maybe that’s the point?)
In Which The Australian Actress Who Can’t Keep Her Accent In Check Gets Flirty With Hybrids
Bad acting chops or not, this Phoebe Tonkin girl who plays Tyler’s dirty little wolf sex hound Hayley got attractive to me this episode. It’s all about the thumb suck and the ‘f*** me’ eyes she was giving. I understand the need to build up sexual tension and/or to ruin Tyler’s relationship with Caroline by bringing in Hayley as ‘the other woman’, but her death wish to Klaus because she can’t be with Tyler was a little bit of overkill to me. I mean the girl’s only been on for like three episodes, she’s a CW alum (remember The Secret Circle? Yeah, no one does.), and she’s white: they’re not going to kill her off THAT fast.
In Which Klaus Finally Gets Caroline To Gratuitously Take Off Her Jacket At A Bar
The only good part about this episode is that Klaus is finally going to get laid. Let’s be real, Caroline wants a piece of that Original Family. (Bonus Points: The relationship between these two has has every fan waiting for this hookup since they met. I’m glad it’s picked up some steam.) However, if we’re finally getting back to her actual personality instead of just how good she looks all the time, Caroline’s really superficial. She needs to be wined and dined and taking on lavish worldwide trips. Her hybrid sex binge with Tyler might have satiated those needs for a bit, but once she goes on this upcoming date with Klaus, all bets are off. (She might even put out on the first date! Looks like we’ve got a winner, Klaus. Good call.)
In Which Jeremy Can’t Catch A Break
In a 48 hour period: Jeremy Gilbert was tortured by Klaus, held hostage by Klaus, forced to draw a mystical tattoo that only he can see, had his mind erased by Stefan, taken hostage AGAIN by vamp hunter Connor, got shot in the stomach, had to drink vampire blood, lied to his future slam piece about everything being okay, had that mystical tattoo show up on his own arm, got stabbed in the neck/murdered by his own sister, resurrected from the dead by a ring that’ll eventually make him lose his mind, go to school like everything’s legit, then recruited by Damon to kill a vampire so he can keep this crazy mystical tattoo on his arm instead of figuring out a way to get rid of it. Whew. If this season doesn’t end in anything less than disaster for Jeremy, it’ll be a miracle. Right now, he’s the bro king of Mystic Falls.
While it will be super interesting to see how the whole Elena and Damon relationship starts and develops, The Vampire Diaries have finally put some backing into the supporting cast and made watching this show a little more interesting now that we’ve gotten past introduction fatigue. It wasn’t the strongest episode, but seems like a good base for future ones. Check out a preview of next week’s episode below!