Don’t act as though you don’t watch it either. The season premiere is tonight! Beware there are spoilers in this here text. Yeah the show makes absolutely no sense. Yes, so much happens in one episode and so little happens in the next that I can never remember what is going on. Yeah, they all have amazing hair and wear designer clothing to school everyday. Nevertheless, for every flaw on the show, the show remains flawless. Here are the reasons.
1.) Hot for teacher dramaz.
The show actually wants you to believe that Aria and Fitch’s relationship is appropriate. They never ever reveal how old he is, only that he is “older” because they don’t want the viewers to actually do the math behind the relationship between a 16-year-old and her J-crew wearing teacher boyfriend. It’s love, even though he treats her like a kid, never revealed he had a secret baby or that he came from a well-to-do, mega rich family. Aria never told him she is being stalked, manipulated and harassed because she is a part of a murder mystery (until she didn’t have a choice). I mean, how could it not be love? They know so much about each other! I would watch this show if it were only about their stupid relationship drama.
2.) Fat-Shaming Hefty Hanna’s Tortured Soul
Another ridiculous premise is that several years ago Hanna used to be “fat.” That was her secret, guys, she used to be, like, five pounds heavier. People called her “Hefty Hanna.” She was totally a capital L – loser – but now she is mega popular after losing, like, three ounces of weight. One of the show’s highlights is A forcing Hanna to eat a bunch of cupcakes with pigfaces on them. Too many cupcakes (six to be exact) = major tummy aches. Groundbreaking drama. I.will.never.stop.watching.
3.) Spencer, the “smart girl,” is of average intelligence.
Being really intense and assertive about everything does not a genius make. All Spencer really does is make out with her sister’s boyfriends then wonder why her sister doesn’t like her that much. If she were smart she would have figured out that making out with people’s boyfriends is sort of annoying. Spencer is the one who furiously tries to solve the mystery but doesn’t actually ever resolve anything more than anyone else does. Her romantic life – she makes out with everyone (I’m not slut shaming, I am pro-Spencer/girls-making-out-with-errybody) – is far more interesting than the writers trying to convince us that she is savvy because she allegedly gets straight As in all the classes that the series never shows.
4.) Some 4SRS Lesbian Drama.
Y U NO SMILE EMILY? Oh, right ’cause your girlfriend was mysteriously murdered then everyone thought your new boo was the evil genius behind A! Damn, you have such good friends. JKJK These girls turn on each other at the drop of a dime.
5.) Blind-Jenna was pretending to be blind, like, 50% of the time.
AND I QUOTE, “BITCH CAN SEE.” There was nothing like seeing Jenna eerily walk through the school hallways, swishing her stick back and forth as the girls quietly cowered in fear so that Jenna couldn’t sense their presence. Amazing television.
6.) The ole’ “loser-girl gets revenge on the popular girls” storyline.
The big reveal of the A team couldn’t have been better. Now that Mona, who was a mega loser back when Hanna was still called Hefty, is super evil, she makes all kinds of crazy ass faces into the camera.
7.) The ole’ “he only pretended to love you so that he could destroy you” storyline.
I can’t wait until Spencer finds out her boyfriend, Toby, has been plotting and scheming against her this whole time. She will surely go hella cray cray and go into Scooby-Doo mystery-solving overdrive. It will be epic.
8.) Adam Lambert was a guest star.
Adam. Lambert. Randomly delicious.