I confess, sometimes I’m an immensely slothy person. At work, in life and even in the bedroom, at times. Sometimes I just want to lay back and not exert any effort. No reciprocation, no getting on top, nada. Does this make me a bad lay? I know the “dead fish” routine is not alluring, so I always make sure my boyfriend knows I’m appreciative of his efforts. But, honestly, one of the perks of being in a relationship is that I can slack off at times because the cumulative sum of my sexual efforts is high enough (ie, I give a sufficient amount of head).
It wasn’t until recently that I realized what a perk that is, a perk that generally isn’t seen in casual arrangements. I totally admire everyone who makes casual sex work for them. I don’t hold the belief that sex in a relationship is intrinsically better than any other kind of sex – that’s such an intimate preference. For me, however, I really like the comfort and relative security that being in a relationship provides. When I was unattached, the prospect of hooking up was as anxiety inducing as it was exciting. Because I wasn’t close to these guys, I was hypersensitive about everything – my underwear, my grooming, my scent and my skills. I was always so worried about being a turn off in any way. It was so exhausting. I was so desperate for their miniscule scraps of approval that I always felt like I was at their beck and call. I was always constantly around for a text or an acknowledgement, and I was always willing to drop whatever I was doing (usually pining pathetically) to hang out. And in the bedroom, I completely failed at achieving any level of empowerment. I was so wrapped up in my own neuroses to the point where I didn’t see myself an equal participant and treated these guys like they were doing me a favor. I always felt like I needed to be “on”, and it sucked.
But with my boyfriend, those concerns aren’t there. Some of that has come from becoming more mature and self-possessed. Part of it is because he’s not a sucky person and I trust him. Moreover, we live together, and there’s just not a lot of mystery left on either of our parts. So it’s not the end of the world if occasionally I’m not impeccably shaved / waxed or whatever. It’s okay that there are stretches of time when I don’t want to do my best porn star impression and I want to chill out, and it’s totally okay. I can say no to sex and it’s not a big deal, or I can implore him to do all the work and it’s wonderful. There’s just a certain level of flexibility that comes from making a long-term commitment to someone, and I couldn’t be happier with my decision to abort my failure of a promiscuous phase and settle into domestic bliss.
[Lead image via Peter Bernik/Shutterstock]