A few weeks ago my girlfriends and I were sitting around the house drinking wine. We were talking, as girls do, about boys and breakups. We all got a little drunk and giggly and discussing how we love being independent (all the single ladies) we really missed the constant…uh…little pleasures…that come with having a significant other. Someone threw around the idea of having a sex toy party to celebrate our singleness, and help us out, and we all agreed. We found a company and booked a party for the next Sunday night.
Sunday rolled around and we had all gathered in my living room, not really sure what to expect. Bottles of wine were opened, bean dip was made (and I’m really proud of myself for actually cooking) and the house was cleaned and ready to go. We were ready for some debauchery and dildos.
The consultant arrived a little before 7 and things got started.
7:15: – What the hell is a bath ball? Oh. It’s just like a fancy loofah. That’s kind of ne–oh it turned on. This thing is vibrating. Does anyone else feel awkward?
7:18 – Shut the front door. Shower gel that gets rid of bikini-line bumps? I actually want that.
7:35- So let me get this straight, this perfume is like a sex attractant? Like…will I get laid if I wear it? Pheromones or some shit. This is unreal. No way we all smell different. I don’t get it.
7:36- Oh my god. We all totally smell different. I smell good. I smell sexy. I’d do me.
8:00 – When are we bringing out the big guns?
8:15 – This goes on my where?
8:30 – This is what I’m talking about. Hell yeah. It’s called Daddy from the Nati. That sounds…gross. I don’t like that name, oh my god. Oh my god. This is not real life. How is that pleasurable?! It’s twisting and thrusting simultaneously. That is terrifying.
8:35 – I am doing everything wrong sexually. What is this. What is life.
8:40 – Oh thank the lord, the ordering is private. Is she going to think I’m weird for wanting that? They have Jack Daniels flavored lube. I just feel like I need it. Is that weird? Am I weird?
9:00 – Annnnd I just spent $70 on sex toys and products. This is my life.
Molly is a senior Journalism/English major at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. She’s not very good at small talk or high fives and obsessed with Matthew Perry. You can follow her Midwestern ramblings on twitter @gwacamolly.