How You Lose Your V-Card is Irrelevant [Sexy Time]

There’s a new study out there that claims the way you first cash in your v-card sets the tone for the rest of your sexual life. How utterly ridiculous can you get? The act of having sex, however you choose to define it, for the first time is not like unlocking some weird internal compass that will guide you until you die. The logic that going from not having sex to having sex is this huge milestone is such an utterly bizarre concept to me. That reasoning doesn’t apply to other activities. No one says that the way you eat ice cream when you’re 4 is the same way you’re going to eat ice cream when you’re 34. So rationality would indicate that the way you have sex when you’re 19 wouldn’t predict how you’re going to have sex when you’re 29. This study only reinforces the outdated (and silly) notion that “losing” your virginity has to be this huge milestone event when there’s no practical reason for it to have much meaning at all.

It’s more than a little sketch to me that there is even a word to describe a person who hasn’t had sex. It really seems like the construction of virginity functions primarily as a way to shame people into not having sex — by placing a high premium on it and linking it to purity and virtue. Or, likewise, it’s used as a slur, a way to code someone as a totally inept, undesirable loser. In reality, the act of having recreational sex is pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Even when I think of my most promiscuous friends, I wouldn’t consider their love of sex an intrinsic part of their personality, or indicative of their worth as people. Nor do I think my less experienced friends are such because they’re unappealing or frigid or whatever. To tie someone’s identity into whether or not they’ve had sex is so backwards. A person is so much more than their sex life.

Which leads me back to the “how you lose your virginity dictates the rest of your sex life” thing. Let’s say you have sex when you’re a needy, insecure 19 year old. Then you blossom into a self-assured, confident, comfortable 24 year old. There’s a pretty good chance that your sexual proclivities are going to shift. You’re going to have different boundaries. You’re going to feel pleasure differently. You’re going to be more dominant, or more submissive, or more versatile. You’re probably just going to enjoy sex more. Or, let’s say you first have sex with a guy you never see again, and then the next time you have sex, it’s in the context of a long-term, loving, romantic relationship. That’s going to be a totally different experience. To pretend that your sexual preferenes are static as the rest of you evolves and shifts is just hopelessly dumb. You are not doomed to a life of unremarkable, painful, awkward sex (because let’s be real, that’s how most of our first times end up going). The act of having sex for the first time usually ends up being pretty forgettable, and not at all life-changing, so don’t buy into the hype.

[Lead image via watcharakun/Shutterstock]

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  1. […] How You Lose Your V-Card is Irrelevant [Sexy Time] – collegecandy […]

  2. Tortilla says:

    Exactly my thoughts upon reading that study.. Great article!

  3. rosesformeg says:

    I agree, but I can also see that how you lose your virginity could be traumatizing for people. The way they deal with their feelings about the situation and how they move on from it will be more of a determining factor than the act itself.

  4. allforone says:

    I kind of think this article was an overreaction. I actually think the study makes perfect sense. your first impression of ANY experience will set the tone for at least your perception of the experience later in life. Loss of virginity may be hyped up more than it should be in this culture, but a young teen's anxiety and reaction to it is obviously going to be influenced by cultural perceptions. and any residual feelings of anxiety, or insecurity, or whatever could easily follow someone through the rest of their life. it could be a self-fulfilling prophesy. if after your first time, you were embarrassed or ashamed or uncomfortable, it makes sense that you would be more likely to feel that way about it later in life than someone who felt more positive about it the first time.

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