Back to Square One [Diary of the Undateable]

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undateable

Technology turned its cold back on me this week. I should’ve known to never, ever EVER trust a computer or something digital…but I didn’t. Whenever I get an idea for a story or a project, I write it down in the Notes app on my iPhone. It’s a lot more convenient then digging out my mini journal and favorite pen. I’ve been doing this since March of last year. Imagine my surprise when all of my coveted, cherished ideas – like ones that I scribbled down on a train between Munich and Berlin and the ones that I secretly type while being hit on at the bar – were gone. I. Was. CRUSHED. I excused myself from the office at my internship, headed to an empty bathroom stall and gave myself five minutes to bawl out. And then five minutes later, I was back at my desk coming up with more ideas.

Lately, I’ve been trying to adapt a positive outlook about a lot of things…including the monument of nothingness also known as my love life. Someone asked me about the last date I went on. And it took me a minute to remember because it’s been so, so long – April 20, 2012, when a guy that I met online drove me to his house instead of the restaurant we talked about. Yikes. My experiences are few and far between, but they’ve all basically ended the same way – me goofing up and him never speaking to me again. And although I made a new profile on OKC, I haven’t been making any real effort to begin dating again. I’m tired of it. I’m hurt from it. I’m irritated by all of the games and secrets and the ins and outs and complications that make it so perilous to put myself out there. But at the same rate, I’m equally tired of being the girl who has to listen to everyone else talk about their boos, boyfriends and dates.

I turn 22 in eight days. 22 isn’t really that much of a milestone in my eyes…it’s just another bus stop before the über-depressing trip to my mid-twenties and thirties. Instead of staying in bed with a big bottle of wine like I want to, I’m going to challenge myself. I’m going to pretend like my love life is my defunct Notes app and iCloud and just start over again. Every day until the 16th, I’m going to challenge myself to do one thing that ups my dateability. So far, I’ve smiled at a cute Georgetown stranger, chatted with a guy at the bus stop and saw Walk the Moon, one of my favorite new bands, all by myself – dancing and drinking alone. And on Monday night, I set up a date with a guy that’s been chillin’ in my Contacts list since October. I asked HIM. I’ve never done that before! Small steps to you, maybe…but big steps for my single womanhood and me.

I think that one of the joys of being single is all of the messing up that we do. Yeah, we screw up with guys that we like and entertain sketchy ones that we don’t. And yeah, maybe we drink too much and send texts we shouldn’t send and call numbers we shouldn’t call. And yeah, sometimes it really does suck. A lot. But the refreshing part about all of that is the chance to do it all again and avoid the mistakes we made before.

When she’s not watching for Blue Ivy sightings or doing some serious Facebook creeping, Khalea moonlights as a print journalism major at the REAL HU, Howard University. Follow her on Twitter at @letsbeKHAlear, or feel free to Twatch. Whatever works for you.

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