Can He Keep It In His Pants and Out of Our Texts? [Ask A Dude]
Why do guys send pictures of their dicks? It’s not like I’ve asked for this. It’s not like I WANT to see him with his jeans around his ankles and his business in his hand.
I know men have extremely fragile egos and I don’t want to hurt feelings, but come on. How can I tell him to knock it off without causing his manhood to permanently deflate?
Dear Cock Blocker,
Because his penis is his spirit animal.
We do it because for some stupid reason we think you love our cocks as much as we love them. Which is a damn near impossibility. Logical? Uh, no. Stupid? Uh, yeah. In this day and age I’m scared to look at my penis for fear the images my eyes make can somehow be downloaded by a government-sponsored third party. And if you do that sh*t while you’re under 18 and send it to someone then you’re technically distributing child pornography. And can be arrested by the FBI. Wait, his last name isn’t Weiner, right?
Look, I’m not saying taking sexy pictures of each other is a purely evil and sick thing. Some guys get off on the foreplay of it all. Sexy photos are all well and good. Seduction, yada, yada, yada…but his pants around his ankles taken with an iPhone isn’t exactly erotica. It’s playing with yourself and sharing it with others. Yes, it’s a form of masturbation. More often than not it doesn’t put your partner in the mood. It just creates a possibility that her mom or brother or roommate’s going to come in the room and see what your dick looks like. Which, by the average camera phone’s standards, means: not flattering.
There’s a really easy way to get him to stop sending you the pics. You pick up his cell phone and say to him: “Stop sending me pictures of your dick! And delete them off your effing phone, too.” That might be a subtle enough of a hint.
If he doesn’t stop then he’s an as*hole. You’ll have even more definitive proof. Whatever you do, DON’T send him any naked pics of you. Then you’ve got no ground to stand on.
Keeping it off my iTunes,
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]