10 Types of Douchebags You’ll Meet in College

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Ever since my parents told me the story about how they met in college, I’ve been on the lookout for a chance at my own undergrad romance. At a university with a rumored 5:1 female to male ratio, men – available men – are few and far in between. And unfortunately, they usually take advantage of the numbers that are in their favor. Dating is one big battlefield and with douchelords roaming freely around my campus and in D.C., I’ve learned to spot these land mine lovers from a distance. Luckily, I haven’t dated every single douchebag on the list, but I know people who know people who’ve gone on the dates and been in the relationships. Here’s what I’ve heard:

The Conscious Guy

You’ll see him on the front lines of a protest, heading up some grassroots organization, passing out fliers about modern day slavery and unapologetically bogarting classroom discussions. He’s usually so busy minding everyone else’s affairs that he can’t tend to you and yours. So fight the power, my sister. And stay away.

The Musician

Yeah, you got applauded on “Showtime at the Apollo” or made it to the audition round of “American Idol.” No, you are not getting a record deal because of it. The Music Man is taking his higher education opportunity to try and further his fledgling music career. And sure, he probably gets a little bit of buzz on the campus radio stations and variety shows. But his self-spotlight is so bright that it probably can’t and won’t shine on you.

Mr. Smarty Pants

He’s on scholarship, is a Golden Key Scholar, makes the Dean’s List every single semester and probably has had a 4.0 since his days at a private preschool. The Smarty Pants, clad in his sensible Kenneth Cole loafers and neatly-pressed khakis, is essentially a good catch at heart. He’s the kind of go-getter that will definitely end up with a solid career after graduation. But his tunnel vision and serial study habits leaves little time for a relationship.

Mr. Student Government

If your school is like mine, election season is pretty paramount. Come mid-January, it gets as serious as if President Obama and former candidate Romney were neck and neck again. Mr. Student Government – the self-proclaimed voice of the people – is always pushing his platform wherever he goes. Can’t even lie – SG is eye candy in his tailored suits, fresh haircut and eloquent elevator speeches. But his political agenda doesn’t leave much time for yours. Vote “no.”

Mr. Too Cool for School

You barely even see dude. Short of coming to class for the syllabus, tests and quizzes, Too Cool is busy doing something supercool like tweeting about how he’s too cool to go to class. He’s as much of a waste of time as the time he wastes, girlfriend.

Professional Graduate

The polar opposite of Too Cool, the Professional Graduate is holding on to his first four years for as long as he can. Though he’s smart, able-bodied and perfectly capable, he somehow has the hardest time meeting those last few gradation requirements. So as he finishes up his degree, you’ll catch him at every party, speakout, probate and org meeting on campus. Too much of a good thing, IMO.

Mr. Turn Up

Mr. Turn Up is probably a party promoter or really good friends with one. You’ve probably already unfollowed him on Facebook and/or Twitter since he posts statuses like “PARTY @ OPERA FRIDAY, ROLL THRU!!!! GIRLS IN FREE BEFORE 12, DRINK SPECIALS ALL NIGHT!!! #ohweinthere #badbishesonly” every chance that he gets. All of his profile pictures are club shots that probably consist of him holding bottles of Moët and some unfortunate, unassuming girl backing that thang up on him. Unless you want all of your dates to be at the bar and on the dance floor…back away, boo.

The Athlete

Mmm, mmm, mmm. The Athlete, to put it plainly, is fine with a capital ‘f.’ He rises early to prepare his protein shake and to jog (usually shirtless, thank goodness) around campus and heads home early to do it all again. Heath and fitness is paramount to him and his scholarship, so the Athlete feels pressure to stay in tiptop shape. His eye is on the prize – that end of senior year recruitment deal from the NFL, NBA or MLB. Not on you.

Mr. Campus Pharmacist/Resident Stoner

His eyes are so low that you can barely make contact with him! The stoner hates being sober. His clothes always reek of smoke and he’s just so annoyingly mellow – even in the midst of job hunting, lame group projects and final exams. He took “take a chill pill” to a whole ‘nother level…and offers them to anyone willing to buy. His lax attitude and slightly illegal activity doesn’t give off good vibes, man.

The Frat Boy

Sigh. I hate that I love them. I’m a sucker for the pretty boys and good dogs. I love the “blu,” and black and gold is literally my favorite color combination (these are all NPHC – or historically Black fraternity/sorority – references, btw). But one thing that was impressed on me at an early age was to stay away from letters and numbers. Generally, frat boys have everything that’s desirable in a guy – the grades, the looks, the smarts, the dedication to community service and the ability to recite “Invictus” at will. Part of his unofficial community service platform, sadly, is sharing his talents to anyone who seeks them…so stay away from Him Phi Him.

When she’s not watching for Blue Ivy sightings or doing some serious Facebook creeping, Khalea moonlights as a print journalism major at the REAL HU, Howard University. Follow her on Twitter at @letsbeKHAlear, or feel free to Twatch. Whatever works for you.

[Lead image via EugeniaFF/Shutterstock]

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