Now that Pope Benedict has resigned we must ask the question, “Who should he hook up with?” I have no idea what happens when you resign from your job. I assume you feel a sense of freedom and delight then spend the rest of your days eating donuts and watching reruns of Who’s Line Is It Anyway? The Pope has resigned with much controversy about his sexuality so for the sake of this post I am going to assume he is a little bisexual. None of us will ever actually know what goes down in the church so I think it’s best to just have a sense of humor about it. Basically, this is Pope Benedict fan fiction in which I imagine he is an easygoing, fun-loving guy who’s single and looking for love. (Disclaimer: This is the weirdest thing I have ever written.)
Anderson Cooper – The journalist who recently came out would make a great fold to ole’ Benedict. The Silver Fox would call the Former Pope out on all of his bull, while Benedict would bring a little spirituality into Andy’s heart. Then they’d snuggle with some very expensive hot chocolate, in their very expensive underwear and run through their highs and lows of the day.
Queen Elizabeth II – A bond mostly held together by this couple’s ability to throw shade at those who stray from the pact, I think this one could work out. “That outfit is positively drab,” says Queen Elizabeth. “Yes, it needs more golden embellishments and your hat is not nearly as big as it should be,” the Pope sneers at Kate Middleton as she leaves for the gyno. Of course, it would be a semi-political arrangement. You know? It’d be like marrying the actually not-so-bad guy your parents think would be good for you instead of the dude you’re really into. It may not be a passion-filled relationship, but she’d do her thing and he’d do his and they’d be generally happy together.
Anna Wintour – These two would have a lot of fun together. I don’t think Anna would ever fully commit to Catholicism and they may run into some trouble there but I think Benedict would be so enamored with Anna’s aura of power. Having formerly been surrounded by men of stature at first he would be almost offended by Anna’s ability to take charge, to be stoic yet witty, to know exactly what she wants and to never bend to the attitudes of any man or woman. Then something magical would happen. She would say the most clever thing that would put him in his place so precisely, so humorously he’d feel great animosity and great passion. They’d go for brunch and she’d order for him. She’d tell him that no one finds his big, diamond shaped hat charming anymore. Anna would send a limousine for him, with a Zegna suit, a cigar and a DVD of Jesus Christ Superstar. He’d know the movie was a joke, a tongue in cheek gesture but one with sweet and empathetic intentions. Oh, Anna! You’re really something!
Matt Bomer – He’s just so pretty and charming, though! The Pope spends his free time making GIFs from all the Matt Bomer scenes of Magic Mike. Matt wouldn’t cheat on his husband so their relationship would have to be platonic. There’d be lots of sexual and romantic tension but neither of them would cross the line. Love sick, drunk on Tumblr, Benedict would make one of those, “Do you think I’m pretty?” youtube videos and become a viral video icon. The response would receive much backlash and negativity. Benedict would respond with great disappointment in the children of God, having reacted so callously in his moment of weakness. He and Lady Gaga will tour high schools of the world launching the most successful anti-bullying campaign in history.
Betty White – The jokes would not stop. She would have a field day poking fun at him. At first he would find her humor charming as he was a BIG FAN of the Golden Girls. Eventually, he’d find Betty’s comments mean. Is she using her humor as a defense mechanism? Can’t she express a sincere emotion for once? Is she really that into me? They’ll fizzle out but in the end they would have learned a great deal from each other.