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Should I Apologize For Not Being A Sex Goddess? I’m Thinking No. [Sexy Time]

Apologizing probably makes up a solid 15% of all my communication with other people. Between repenting for my own foibles and expression of sympathy to others regarding life’s inconveniences, I throw around “sorry” quite a bit. The other day, I found myself giving my boyfriend an apology because I didn’t want to have sex the night before. When he accepted it, I was slightly annoyed. I realized that it probably sounded like I felt bad for not wanting to have sex with him when it was really intended more to be more, “Sorry for denying your penis the privilege of my vagina. Sucks to be you, bro.”

If I’m being completely honest, though, there have been times where I’ve apologized for not wanting to do certain sexual things because I have felt guilty and wrong about it. And that’s just not acceptable. No one should ever apologize for having expectations that conflict with someone else’s.

I’ve postponed sex for a variety of reasons – because I’m sleepy, because I’m watching Gilmore Girls reruns, because my period is going to start soon and I feel like the most repulsive creature to have sex, because I’m full…basically, because I’m just not in the mindset to commit to having really good sex. I mean, I could get undressed and just lay there and get penetrated, but what a snoozefest.

My mind would wander to things I’d rather be doing (ie: absolutely nothing) and I would be really agitated the whole time. Sometimes I do worry that my lack of interest in having sex all the time makes me a bad girlfriend – but why? There’s no doubt that physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship, but it’s not like sex is the only way to achieve that. Cuddling, massages, hand-holding and activities that usually serve as foreplay for p-in-v are all just as sensual as intercourse/oral. But I get that, especially in long-term relationships, sex is also a symbol of validation. When people agree to have sex, it’s like shorthand for “Yes, I still find you attractive and desirable and being exposed to your gross human habits on a daily basis hasn’t scared me away from you.” So gaps between sex can often start to make one partner feel like they’re not wanted.

But, is that really indicative of a moral failure on behalf of the partner who’s not as into sex? From my perspective, there’s nothing inherently wrong with having a sex drive that ebbs and flows. Life happens, you know? Saying “no” to sex doesn’t always have malicious intent, or have anything at all to do with the person being rejected. Not every action that leads to someone else feeling less than stellar requires an apology. Like, not wanting to have sex doesn’t strip anyone else of their dignity or reinforce oppression. The inverse is true as well – someone with a more aggressive libido has totally valid sexual preferences, and it doesn’t make them predatory or crazy or whatever.

In regards to my boyfriend and myself, whatever minor friction that comes about when one of us wants to have sex with the other isn’t anyone’s fault, and I don’t believe either of us should ever feel guilty about drawing our boundaries or wanting something that the other one doesn’t. But am I totally off-base? Does being in a relationship mean I should suck it up, get over myself, and have sex even when I don’t want to? The thought offends my sensibilities, but I’ve been known to be oblivious to social norms before…

[Lead image via Studio10Artur/Shutterstock]

  • Related TopicsGuys Love libido Love Sex Sex Education
    Jasmine R.COLLEGECANDY Writer
    Mariah Carey's closet is what I see when I dream at night. Email me at stilettosandpearlnecklaces [at] gmail.com!