Amanda Bynes Wants Drake To Murder Her Vagina, But Who Else Should Go First Degree On Her V?

By Emerald Pellot

Amanda Bynes has been on a bit of a bizarre spiral lately. Last night she tweeted at the rapper Drake that she wanted him to murder her vagina. Amanda has been cozying up to Drake via Twitter for a while.

Is “rocking that incest face,” a good thing? Annnnnnywaaaaaay. It’s plain to see,  Amanda doesn’t know what “murder” means otherwise she would not want her V to be murdered. It’s a very sensitive area. Wearing chafing underwear can ruin my day, I cannot imagine what full out first degree would look like down there. But who am I to deny a woman what she really wants? Over here at CollegeCandy we got to thinking: if Amanda Bynes really wants her vagina murdered who should she date? 

Kim Jong-un

Let’s be honest. Kim Jong-un would go nuclear on Amanda Bynes’ V. He’d have to cloak all the oppression and despotism of North Korea but Amanda is so unaware of her surroundings she’d probably think she was in Japan the whole time anyway. He’d give her lavish gifts, decadent meals and send her back to America with nothing but good publicity for North K.. Eventually Amanda would realize the entire triste was just a PR stunt and she’d tweet out something ridiculous like, “sumtimes the real tyrant is ur heart .”

Jigsaw

Jigsaw knows a thing or two about murdering the V. He’d torture the V. He’d make the V think about its life choices. He’d make the V nostalgic for a time when it was innocent. He’d make the V long for its humanity, good nature and desire to make the world a better place. Then he’d really, actually, IRL murder the V.

Alf

Alf is a pro at hunting Vs . . . sort of. The 1980s alien from another planet arrived on Earth with a strict diet of felines. We can agree that extraterrestrials who loves to eat cats synonymously love to eat pussies. He’ll know what to do with the V.

My Creepy Landlord

My landlord is a pro at murdering my bank account but by the looks of his creepy demeanor and his constant rummaging through my garbage he’s probably a serial killer. He’s definitely a serial killer. He’d go third degree on Amanda then get her a nice loft in Brooklyn.

Jack The Ripper

Jack The Ripper is a pro when it comes to murdering vaginas. He absolutely revels in finding a nice vagina and strategically, deliberately tearing it to shreds. If Amanda wants anyone to murder her vagina this is the guy. I mean, Drake? Come on. Has ever even been arrested? Let alone murdered any female body part. This girl needs to tweet @JackTheRipper ASAP or just walk around at night with her ankles exposed and her knickers undone.