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An Open Letter To Jon Hamm’s Bulge

Hey there (yes you, the one down there between Don Draper’s thighs),

How’s it going down there? First off, congrats on all the news headlines and publicity you’ve been getting lately. People really, really, really like you! Are you being restricted by briefs today? Or is it just an easy breezy day as usual? Do you prefer one over the other? I guess you don’t really have a choice, it is up to your owner. He seems pretty cool and lets you ‘hang out’ with your friends down there.

Speaking of your owner, he’s not too impressed with all the chit chat about you lately is he? He told Rolling Stone magazine, “Most of it’s tongue-in-cheek, but it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have — a prurience. They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for f–k’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a f—ing lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my c–k, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal [of fame].”

Was Jon really asked to cover you up with underpants on set? Did they really digitally minimize you for promo ads? Jon thinks we’re being rude by asking, but we just want to know the truth! Did Jon tell you that there are multiple Tumblr accounts dedicated to you? Someone out there is spending time every day blogging about you. Talk about a dedicated fan.

Jon seems to think every one should leave you alone. But we think that’s a little unfair. He can show you off while strolling down the street, but we can’t even say hi. It’s like seeing a cute puppy at the pet store and not being allowed to call it cute. We’re just telling telling the truth! Here’s a little note for you to pass to Jon: take a chill pill. Your privates are just the obsession of the moment. In a few weeks we’ll get back to talking about Kim Kardashian‘s booty and Kate Upton’s small bikini tops.

Yes, we know they’re called “privates” for a reason but you’re putting them on display. We know it’s not intentional and you prefer to go commando, but give us a break! If you were a female celeb, you’d be on headlines everyday about your tight yoga pants and low cut top. Everyone can talk about a woman’s privates but when it happens to a man you throw a mini tantrum? Boo hoo.

Either way, whether Jon chooses to hide you under undergarments or not, we still love you! We love you both.

[Lead image via]

DanielleCOLLEGECANDY Writer
Danielle like naps, hockey, confetti, and anything with a 4 wheel drive. @google+ @Twitter