I’m 23 years old and have known this guy for about 4 years. I’m pretty sure he was into me for a while, but I only recently started to like him. Figures, now he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. What I do know is that he’s sexually attracted to me. Besides that, we’re still good friends. I know, confusing. I don’t get it either.
Anyway, we’ve been FWB minus the actual sex for a little over a year. Friends tell me it’s a bad idea, and I see their point. But my feeling is that I already like the guy and we’ve been doing this for a while now, so stopping now won’t cause any less heartache than if we keep going. Besides, if he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend right now, this is the next best thing — when we’re together, either with or without the benefits, we have a good time.
Sounds pretty self-destructive, no? The one thing I’m not doing is having sex with him — I like the idea of keeping that much for myself, if we’re not dating. But I want to be dating. He likes me as a person, thinks I’m attractive, we have a history of intimacy, and we live pretty close to each other. Suggestions for how to change his mind?
Mother of all dragons
Dear Mother of all dragons,
First off, great to see you in a badass season 3 premiere last night.
Secondly, what’s the B to being FWB if there isn’t any sex? When you say sex, do you mean crossing the finish line or are you including everything up to that point, too? Just wondering, doesn’t really affect what I’m about to tell you.
Look, your situation’s harder to navigate than figuring out who, what, and how is Clara Oswald. You’ve been blurring the lines for so long that clear boundaries are practically an obsolete TARDIS control room. Irrelevant though fondly remembered. It does sound like you’ve kept one main boundary: no sex…unless of course you’re engaging in everything BUT (one “T”) penetration. Then it’s not so much a boundary and more of a DMZ. There’s only one way to change his mind: change the rules.
And let me be perfectly transparent, you’re in no way going to change his mind, you’re going to put him in a new place mentally where he’ll confront the choices he has made and the choices he can make. That’s all. You can’t make someone commit. You can’t force a guy to figure out you’re the perfect partner. You can’t create an epiphany for him. He either already thinks of you that way but doesn’t act on it because of how things are, or he just doesn’t think of you that way.
The reason he hasn’t felt the need to take things further might have to do with the fact that he gets all the benefits already. Take them away from him. Rewrite the rules. Change the choices. You make yourself less available and he’ll be forced to react. And there’re only two ways he can react…
Is it risky? Maybe. He’s your crutch, too. Time to stop leaning on him after four years. One way or another, you’ll give both of you the opportunity to do one of two things: move on or move closer. Either way, it’s moving time!
Don’t think, just do,
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]