Recapping ‘Life Size’ Starring Tyra Banks & Lindsay Lohan [Saturday Flashback]

Tips On Feeling and Looking Great In Your SwimsuitTips On Feeling and Looking Great In Your Swimsuit
Christina Aguilera and CeeLo Green are Back! Christina Aguilera and CeeLo Green are Back!

life size

IMDB describes the plot of Life Size as, “A widower’s daughter accidentally brings her doll to life while trying to cast a spell to resurrect her mother.” Based on the plot description it sounds like this is going to be a horror movie with zombies, witches and voodoo dolls. Unfortunately, it’s not. It’s a movie, starring Tyra Banks and a young Lindsay Lohan, that’s about the struggles of being a doll.

The movie was weirdly also about being perfect or something deep like that.

tumblr_lo96i07aaR1qe89eno1_500

And how hard it is to be perfect when you’re a girl and everyone expects you to be.

tumblr_m3vqf7ZAiX1qelbi6o1_500

It starred Tyra Banks as a doll that came to life to help Lindsay Lohan.

tumblr_lxwv4o59yI1qlc6t6o1_500

Lindsay Lohan was super emo in the movie because she wanted to play sports and not be “girlie.” 

tumblr_mcvr4pcAY51qhcrb0o1_500

Lindsay is pissed at her dad because he hasn’t been showing up to her football games or whatever because he is working at his law firm. Bitch, the only reason you even have the privilege of playing a sport is because your dad works so hard. SOSRY grownups have to go to work and they can’t bear witness to all of your mediocre life achievements. You’re a child, nothing you do is important. 

tumblr_loizyeCNlx1qkjkvco1_500

Lindsay tries to bring her dead mother back to life but instead gets Tyra Banks/Eve because witchcraft is real.

tumblr_mm1xto3ubp1qgwqw9o1_500

After becoming human Tyra had some struggles fitting in.

tumblr_m2lyy4A6V31rt5chko1_500

Food was great though. Which we all know is true. I wonder how she felt after learning food makes you gain weight and fart.

tumblr_lxyu2yDWcr1r777xho1_500

Computers were haaaaaaaaard.

tumblr_mb55p0FWcA1rwah6go1_500

tumblr_me3wgujtlY1qanz49o1_500

Eve/Tyra made a lot of sexual innuendos that were inappropriate for Disney children but all the grownups in the movie understood anatomy including Lindsay Lohan’s dad who wanted to bone this doll.

tumblr_lpfzmk0a2T1qc3o5po1_500

It was sort of weird that he wanted to bone a doll since all she ever said was stupid shit that didn’t make any sense because she was mentally a plastic toy made for children. I guess this is some gendered subtext about how men like dumb/pretty girls which is what dolls actually are????????? So deep, Disney.

tumblr_lwsg1uOwMc1qzl1oeo1_500

Once Lindsay noticed that Tyra was maybe trying to bang her dad and vice versa, she got pretty pissed because A) She was missing her dead mom mad much. B) Her dad shoulda-coulda-woulda been missing her dead mom too. C) Tyra was supposedly her friend. WHAT’S GOING ON?!!!!!!!!

tumblr_loif4kwETN1qe89eno1_500

But Tyra’s mission in life was to do good by Lindsay and GIRLS ALL OVER THE WORLD

tumblr_lwsntnzlu61qzl1oeo1_500

So I guess Tyra apologizes, sings a song, Lindsay’s dad suddenly has a less trying work load, they all dance and Tyra goes back to being a plastic doll that alienates girls’ by creating unreachable beauty standards, glamorizing wealth and social status with her ‘Fun N Splash Hot Tub’ thus making them dissatisfied and ashamed of their own material position in the world and lastly, by making girls believe witchcraft and the half-hearted apologies of sexist men are real.

tumblr_m0krlbp5pT1rp77yvo1_400

IN THEN END LINDSAY SHONE BRIGHT, SHONE FAR AND WAS A STAR ALL ALONG! Get it? 

Comments