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Recapping ‘Life Size’ Starring Tyra Banks & Lindsay Lohan [Saturday Flashback]

IMDB describes the plot of Life Size as, “A widower’s daughter accidentally brings her doll to life while trying to cast a spell to resurrect her mother.” Based on the plot description it sounds like this is going to be a horror movie with zombies, witches and voodoo dolls. Unfortunately, it’s not. It’s a movie, starring Tyra Banks and a young Lindsay Lohan, that’s about the struggles of being a doll.

The movie was weirdly also about being perfect or something deep like that.

And how hard it is to be perfect when you’re a girl and everyone expects you to be.

It starred Tyra Banks as a doll that came to life to help Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan was super emo in the movie because she wanted to play sports and not be “girlie.” 

Lindsay is pissed at her dad because he hasn’t been showing up to her football games or whatever because he is working at his law firm. Bitch, the only reason you even have the privilege of playing a sport is because your dad works so hard. SOSRY grownups have to go to work and they can’t bear witness to all of your mediocre life achievements. You’re a child, nothing you do is important. 

Lindsay tries to bring her dead mother back to life but instead gets Tyra Banks/Eve because witchcraft is real.

After becoming human Tyra had some struggles fitting in.

Food was great though. Which we all know is true. I wonder how she felt after learning food makes you gain weight and fart.

Computers were haaaaaaaaard.

Eve/Tyra made a lot of sexual innuendos that were inappropriate for Disney children but all the grownups in the movie understood anatomy including Lindsay Lohan’s dad who wanted to bone this doll.

It was sort of weird that he wanted to bone a doll since all she ever said was stupid shit that didn’t make any sense because she was mentally a plastic toy made for children. I guess this is some gendered subtext about how men like dumb/pretty girls which is what dolls actually are????????? So deep, Disney.

Once Lindsay noticed that Tyra was maybe trying to bang her dad and vice versa, she got pretty pissed because A) She was missing her dead mom mad much. B) Her dad shoulda-coulda-woulda been missing her dead mom too. C) Tyra was supposedly her friend. WHAT’S GOING ON?!!!!!!!!

But Tyra’s mission in life was to do good by Lindsay and GIRLS ALL OVER THE WORLD

So I guess Tyra apologizes, sings a song, Lindsay’s dad suddenly has a less trying work load, they all dance and Tyra goes back to being a plastic doll that alienates girls’ by creating unreachable beauty standards, glamorizing wealth and social status with her ‘Fun N Splash Hot Tub’ thus making them dissatisfied and ashamed of their own material position in the world and lastly, by making girls believe witchcraft and the half-hearted apologies of sexist men are real.

IN THEN END LINDSAY SHONE BRIGHT, SHONE FAR AND WAS A STAR ALL ALONG! Get it? 

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