I was scouring the web looking for inspiration for this week’s column, and after the billionth “How to Blow Your Man’s Mind” article, I reached the zenith of irritation. Not only are all of those articles redundant (the answer is always anal or BJs), heterosexist (not all ladies date guys, and lesbians do read mainstream media sites), but they’re so disempowering. While yes, it’s important to be a skilled lover, sex is also about your own pleasure. Articles about sex that are directed at women often subtly reinforce the idea that the most important part of sex is the mans orgasm, but screw that. You have to be an advocate for your own enjoyment.
What that means is being active, rather than passive, in all aspects of your sex life. If you’re single, and you’ve identified someone you want to hook up with, take initiative. Flirt in person, be the first to send provocative texts or tweets or Snapchats. If you’re together and you’re feeling the vibe that both of you are down to kiss/make out/get it on, be the first to initiate touching. Waiting around for someone else to take the hint is an unjustifiable waste of life. The worst that can happen if you put yourself out there is a lack of reciprocation. But the sooner you find out someone is not interested, the sooner you can move on to the next one.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, once you’ve gotten to the point where you’re in a sexual dynamic, don’t just wait for your partner to figure out what turns you on and what doesn’t. If you’re into being on top, get on top. If you don’t like breast play, tell your partner. If you’re into dominant/submissive play, have a straight-forward conversation about boundaries and expectations, no Anastasia Steele helplessness included. If you like toys, don’t be afraid to introduce one. If you need clitoral stimulation, guide your partner’s hand/mouth there – likewise, if you’re not into that, let your partner know. A good partner is going to be receptive and respectful if your desires. People are not mind-readers. You need to assert yourself and stand up for what you want.
I generally am not one for regrets, but I do regret my pre-LTR tactic of hoping and wishing for guys to notice me and initiate contact with me. It was so weak and I missed out a lot of potential opportunities because I kept expecting clueless boys to notice me, instead of making my presence and interest known. It was totally ineffective and the only thing that came from that approach was me settling for incompatible guys who didn’t treat me with respect. Some people can get away with being passive and still attracting quality – I’m confident in saying that the majority of us can’t. So don’t settle and start using your agency to go for people who will enhance your life and libido.