For many of us, this may have been the first weekend we were really able to be in our bikinis. In honor of this emotionally trying time for many of us, I have compiled a list of the most ridiculous weight loss trends of all time. Don’t feel guilty if there’s a voice in the back of your head mumbling “Well that’s not TOO ridiculous….” It is bathing suit season, after all.
The Martini Diet. This diet is literally about eating the finest foods (because they come in small portions) going to the spa daily (because you can’t eat with a mud mask on your face) and becoming SUCH a food snob that you wouldn’t even be bothered with things like popcorn or friend chicken. That’s peasant people food. On this diet you’re sure to lose weight and also, I’d imagine, all of your money… And friends.
Foot Patches. My favorite, and perhaps the most confusing. You put this detoxifying patch on your foot, and throughout the day it will remove all of the toxins from your body, and increase your metabolism. It basically claims to suck all the bad and fat from your body through your foot. The dream.
The Diet Fork. Theory: if you can’t pick up food with the fork, you won’t eat food. But upon looking at this fork I realized it would actually be perfect for pizza and macaroni and cheese. And then I realized I don’t need a fork for cookies or chicken wings. Joke’s on them!
Prayer. Apparently in the 1950s, prayer was the biggest weight loss inducer around. Many popular books preaching this trend (pun intended) were released such as: “Pray Your Weight Away,” “I Prayed Myself Slim,” and “The Devil Wants me Fat!” Essentially, this trend uses God as a deterrent from eating, and most of these books provide guidance for a 10 day fast. These 3 books were published in the 1950s, but as late as 2002 a book entitled “What Would Jesus Eat” graced the bookshelves. I mean, whatever works.
The Twinkie Diet. This one was also big in the 1950s, and I’m sure given the option I would have gravitated more towards this than the Prayer Diet / Fast route. Anyways—you only eat Twinkies. That’s it! Twinkies only have 150 calories each, so even if you eat 10 you only have 1500 calories. Not to mention, Twinkie overload—you’d probably eat a lot less because after day 3 like, come on I can’t eat another Twinkie.
The Cigarette Diet. Instead of eating, have a smoke! That is all. Also see the more effective Cocaine and Meth Diets. JK!
The Sleeping Beauty Diet. The idea behind this one is genius: if you aren’t awake, you can’t eat pizza! On this diet, you are recommended to use sedatives to sleep up to 20 hours a day, and when you are awake, to eat only small meals. I won’t even talk about why this is crazy, because, come on. Also, ain’t nobody got time for that.
The Cotton Ball Diet. You just can’t make this stuff up. With this—you eat cotton balls (amount not specified) before each meal. Your belly fills up with cotton balls and then you eat less food! There are some pretty serious side effects though, most notably, it will almost certainly clog your digestive system. Since it’s a cotton ball.
Diet Sunglasses. In my personal opinion, the premise behind this fad—we only eat food if it looks good—is just wrong. I rely more on smell than appearances personally. Perhaps because most things I cook tend to not always be visually appealing. But I digress. This diet is simple: wear blue tinted sunglasses at all times so that your food looks moldy, and thus, you don’t eat.
Master Cleanse. Here is one that is more recent, and perhaps the most common. I have several friends who have attempted this, and I myself have incorporated this into a few Juice Cleanses I’ve done in the past. However—I still think it is crazy. On this cleanse, you eat ONLY—I repeat, ONLY—this drink: water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. After 3-4 days you reach starvation level and get this feeling of extreme happiness and you don’t feel hungry anymore. But that’s because you are actually starving. Not recommended.
It’s hard to believe that all of these “diets” not only exist, but that they have a following. Every single one of these has a cult of people behind them that believe in them. Starving yourself or substituting your food with cigarettes may help you lose 10 pounds in a week—but trust me, it’s all going to come back. In terms of diets that actually work—it is all about eating healthier, and allowing yourself indulgences from time to time so you don’t starve or go crazy. Also helpful: exercise. It’s all about balance– not about eating cotton balls.
[Lead Image via The Mavesite]