On Self-Judgment and What You Really Want [Dear DBN]

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We are our own harshest critics, judging ourselves for harmless actions and run-of-the-mill human emotions. This week, ease off on the self-judgment and give yourself the room to think about what you really want, and then act on it.

I really like this guy, but he is about to move away so we are being platonic (he reciprocates the like). Last night I got a little drunk and wildly made out with/brought home a different guy. No sex was had, but I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong. In reality I just wanted a cuddle. How do you make yourself remember that a cuddle from the wrong person isn’t worth it? 

Was anyone injured? Heartbroken? Arrested? Accused of treason? You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t punish yourself for something that literally has no consequence. You’re never going to know for sure that you think canned asparagus is disgusting until you try it. You tried the sloppy make-out and it wasn’t your thing. But remember, it is a lot of people’s “thing” and it isn’t wrong – it just isn’t your thing. But how do you remember that it doesn’t make you feel good? Well first of all, drink less. You’re not wildly making out with guys in the grocery store or at work. It only happens with alcohol. And, secondly, write down and really explore what you didn’t like about that experience and how it made you feel. You might find that “a cuddle from the wrong person” is only a crappy experience when you know who the right person is.

I have a bit of a dilemma on my mind, and I need someone to lay it to me straight. When you’re seeing someone, what are the expectations for communication? Like, are we to talk every day and when it doesn’t happen something is wrong? Does it matter who initiates what? I feel like weeks ago he texted me more often than now, but maybe I just need a hobby. Ugh, I hate to think I am clingy.

There are no expectations for communication. Some couples speak every day and some don’t. If you want me to lay it straight, the truth is that no one can set the expectations within your relationship except you and your significant other. And when you’re uncomfortable or concerned, you talk about it. Healthy communication begets more healthy communication.

Also, let’s be very clear: wanting to openly and regularly communicate with the person you are having intimate relations with does not make you clingy. Clingy is when you have no friends of your own, no hobbies, no life and in addition to that, have no desire to fill those absences with anything other than your lover. That is clingy. Wondering why your person didn’t speak to you for an entire day does not make you clingy…but not reaching out to the person you’re seeing on your own when you want to talk to them does make you insecure. Remember through all the power plays in relationships, honesty and vulnerability are the most powerful in the long run.  Be true to yourself and your needs so you can get the relationship you want.

CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!

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