A wealthy mother of a soon-to-be Harvard student would like you bone her son. Don’t worry according to her he has like, “zero body fat.” The wealthy mom, who will presumably make all your money troubles go away, has a master plan: she will purchase concert tickets for you and her son. The seats will be next to each other but he won’t know it’s a setup. You’ll flirt your way into his good graces and then eventually you’ll move onto taking his virginity and teaching him new “sex positions.”
I didn’t think of it, but it seems very obvious now, this is clearly written by the dude himself pretending to be his mom. But who knows, helicopter parenting has gotten pretty strange.