On our first date, my current boyfriend told me that he had dominant proclivities – it sounds a bit creepy, but it made sense in context. I was pretty unfazed and slightly excited about what that meant. For as long as I can remember, my daydreams/fantasies regarding sex always featured me in a mildly submissive role while the guy was always the more experienced/dominant one. That dynamic ultimately carried over into real life, without any work on my part. Men are generally socialized into being leaders, into taking initiative, and into asserting their own strength and knowledge, so it stands to reason that a lot of them would display the same traits in sexual contexts. I’ve always kind of taken for granted that any guy I meet would be willing to take a dominant role. But obviously, that’s not the case. Male submissives are very much a thing, and honestly, I’m not sure I would be comfortable having sex with one.
Part of it has to do with the fact that I don’t have to be comfortable with it. Society has cultivated a specific mold for men to fit into, and it rewards dominance and assertiveness. So guys are basically groomed to be what I find appealing in a man (or, more accurately, society has helped shaped what I find most appealing in a man). It’s like if your favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate or vanilla and you’re perfectly content with those two flavors, you don’t feel compelled to seek out lavender-raspberry or other rare flavors (sidebar: I tried lavender gelato once — A++, would recommend wholeheartedly). It’s completely lazy, unadventurous and not really justifiable. An argument could be made, however, that you shouldn’t have to force yourself to like things that naturally don’t come to you, which is totally fair, but it’s ignorant to deny that society does have a serious impact on everything that we think. We come out of the womb pretty much as blank slates and so we have to learn and unlearn things all the time. But, we all draw lines, create boundaries and refine our tastes, and unfortunately, that means being exclusionary.
Also, I’m just not sure how appealing sex between two submissive people would go. Maybe if I were more into slow, amorous, relaxed sex, the prospect would be more appealing. But I’m definitely more into aggressive, “recline appreciatively while he puts in work” kind of dynamic. This works with a dominant guy, but I think it would beyond boring for a submissive one. I believe I lack the versatility to satisfy another submissive. Being a good top requires a legitimate skill set and a certain level of charisma that I don’t think I could ever master. You have to be extremely communicative, creative, and the perfect mix of selfish yet thoughtful.
Luckily, there are so many ways to meet people now that I think everyone should be able to find someone they’re sexually compatible with. It’s 2013 – you don’t have to settle for prolonged unsatisfying sexual encounters. No matter where you fall on the spectrum, there is someone out there you’re perfect for. I think it’s awesome when someone who falls outside of mainstream norms is comfortable enough with themselves to embrace it and go after what they want. So whether you’re super dominant or extremely submissive, what you’re into is totally valid and worth pursuing in safe and consensual encounters.
So, ladies, have you ever dominated a guy? What was it like? Did you love it? Tell me everything!